Roger Dodger Page #7

- Yeah.|- Do you have a girlfriend?.

- No. Never.|- Have you ever kissed a girl?.

Yeah, a couple of times in junior high|playing truth or dare...

but they weren't like real kisses.

No tongue?.

I guess, but more than that.|They were just stiff.

Not like I imagined|that they should be.

Nick, come here for a second.

Oh, my God.

Now, don't fall in love with me|or anything, okay?.

That was just to get you|through junioryear.

All right.

I couldn't resist|being your first kiss.

That's right.

Forever and ever,|you will be his first kiss.

- Get away from me.|- Come on. For symmetry.

No, not a chance. Nick.

- How do you feel?.|- My heart is beating really fast.

- He knows just what to say.|- Is he a good kisser?.

Oh, he's gonna break some hearts.

How 'bout down below, Nick?.

Any, you know,|vertical displacement?.

Leave him alone.|How you doing, Casanova?.

- I'm okay.|- Sure?.

- Yeah.|- Okay.

Look, I confess. I'm married.|I keep my ring in my wallet.

Even ifyou were married.

Yeah, yeah.

So, Nick.

Take a moment to file this away|for later. You understand what I mean?.

Just think, Sophie.

In the next six months, every time|Nick jerks off, he'll be picturing you.

- Don't be an a**hole.|- I don't do that, okay?.

It's true.|Okay, so I'm not married.

What's important is|the emotional unavailability, right?.

- That's what you look for.|- I'm leaving.

And, Sophie, you've even provided|young Nicholas here...

with a particular image|to help structure his fantasy.

Fuckyou, Roger.|Do you have a place to stay tonight?.

- He's staying with me.|- You can come with us.

He's with me. Unless you're finally|ready to do something constructive.

Like help Nick have an orgasm,|huh, Sophie?.

- It's time to cut your uncle loose.|- You're disgusting. We're outta here.

- You take care.|- Andrea?.

- Oh, disgusting.|- Fuckyou.

Ladies?. I--

Was it something he said?.

A**hole!

But no. Don't I--|Okay, here's your chance.

What are you talking about?.|Why did you say that?.

Good cop, bad cop.

I planted the seed.|Now go and close the deal, all right?.

- I can't go--|- You thinkyou'll get a better chance?.

Go, for Christ's sake,|and remember the primary objective.

Go, go, go!

Run, Nick, run.

Sophie!

Hey, Sophie. I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.|It's not your fault he's a jerk.

I know. I wish it didn't|have to just end like this.

We're going now.

I suggest you|call offyour bet and go home.

The bet thing|was just bullshit, okay?.

I know.

You take it easy, okay?.

Look, I want us to--

Don't spoil the wonderful time|we had tonight.

You know?.

This is to remember me by.

Take care, Nick.

We need more men like you.

Hey.

What happened?.

What?. Nothing happened.

So you're oh for one.

She wasn't gonna go for it.|I couldn't ask her.

- You gonna sleep with Sophie tonight?.|- It was obvious. She was not--

Are you going to have sex|with Sophie tonight?.

- No.|- Then I repeat: you're oh for one.

You need to learn how to finish.|Anyone can get halay home.

We're switching to plan B. Hey!

I think a change ofvenue|will improve your luck.

Wait! Hold up! Stop!

Do me a favor.|Stay here till we're inside.

- So where we goin'?.|- Finish up.

- We're going to a party. Come on.|- Whose party is it?.

F***! Over here.|Over here.

Look at this.|Beautiful glasswork.

Whoa, whoa.

Why we running?.

That doorman has|a hateful personality.

Listen up. It's gonna be|a whole new dynamic up there.

Stay focused.

Don't talk to any guys.|That's a definite rally-killer.

Keep moving at all times.|No hiding in the bathroom.

Here we are. Hey.

- Look who it is.|- Hey, Chris. How are you?.

This is my nephew Nick.|Chris.

- How are you?.|- How ya doin'?.

Wait. Do you have|a bathroom I could use?.

- A what?.|- A bathroom I could use?.

A what?.

I've been trying to shake|this woman all night.

This is Donovan.

I'm the only one here|that's my age.

Where did you think we were going,|the junior prom?.

I think I'm drunk.

Come here.

Nick. Do you know|where we are?.

- I thinkyou said Greenwich Street.|- We're in winning time.

- Okay. Winning time.|- Right. Okay?.

It's a little harder to recognize|than when you're in a bar...

but the concept is the same.

There's an incredible moment|that happens when a party...

passes its apex, its peak.

As if by magic,|suddenly every person in the room...

is acutely aware of the time.

It is at that moment|that the fear hits.

- What fear?.|- The fear of the empty apartment.

Oh. Yeah.

That is more|than most people can stand.

Desperation creeps into the room|like a fog.

Eyes begin|to search the crowd anxiously.

Standards are drastically lowered.|I mean, it's palpable.

- You know what I'm saying?.|- Not really.

What I'm saying is,|you have a real shot here, Nick.

This is the moment|that separates a true champion.

You remember the reason|you first asked for my help?.

The primary goal?.

- Yes.|- Then let me help you...

to achieve it.

All right. So.

We need to scope out|who the drinkers are.

Every party needs a pace car,|a rabbit.

Always look for the girls who are|two drinks ahead of everybody else.

How do you do that?.

Listen for inappropriately loud|bursts of laughter...

or scan the crowd|for somebody spilling a drink.

Check the dance floor for somebody|working out of their zone.

How about them?.|They seem pretty drunk.

Good afternoon.

God, this is so embarrassing.|I don't know how this happened.

I'm so sorry.|I'm sorry.

Hey, Donna.

- Hi.|- How ya doin'?.

- Well--|- Good. Listen.

This is my nephew|I want to introduce. Nick.

- Hi.|- I saw you earlier at the office.

Hi, Nick. Donna.

- Nice to see you.|- You too.

- Roger's showing you the town?.|- Yeah, some of it.

Yeah, Nick's visiting.

Why don't you tell Donna|about the bet we got going.

- See you in a second.|- Huh?. Wait.

What bet?.|What's he got you involved in?.

- Oh, it's nothing. Really.|- What is this?.

Oh, that. I don't even know.

- It's cute.|- Thanks.

I don't even use it.

Eighty. Hot. Eighty degrees.

That is hot. Yeah.

We made a bet whether I can get|someone to fall in love with me tonight.

Wow.

- For how much?.|- A thousand bucks.

Get outta here.

Well, so, how's it going so far?.

Excuse me.|Thank you.

Thankyou. Cheers.

Yeah.

To love.

Oh, hello.

You're not the infamous Roger Swanson|I've heard so much about, are you?.

That's me. Yes.

Joyce says of all of her copy people,|you are the funniest.

- I'm a laugh riot.|- No, she says that.

- Why would I lie?.|- What's your name?.

I'm sorry.|I haven't introduced myself.

I'm Patricia.Joyce and I|went to college together.

Nice to meet you.|Patty, would you do me a favor?.

Sure. I can certainly try.

See that kid right over there|in the corner?.

- Yeah.|- That's my nephew Nick.

- Oh, really. He's so cute.|- He is.

- He's still a virgin.|- No!

- Swear to God.|- Poor boy. How old is he?.

He's 1 6. Now, listen.

My time with Joyce taught me that|older women f*** like jackrabbits...

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