Roger Dodger Page #6

There's nothing wrong with a high|verbal ability. Nick's got it too.

I wanna be like Granddad.|He almost never talks.

But when he does,|everyone kind of leans forward.

You know, my dad's like that.

The difference being that what|my father has to say is usually...

some variation on,|"Get me another scotch."

- Like father, like son?.|- No, like daughter.

- I get my--|- Whose daughter?.

- What do you mean, "like daughter?'|- No joke.

Mom keeps a bottle in the|laundry basket. She has foryears.

- Oh, God, Nick.|- That's awful.

She's not a wreck or anything.|She's just-- What do you call it?.

- High-functioning.|- Yeah. That's Susan all right.

She's always functioned|at a high level.

- She's just really high, you know?.|- How can you joke about that?.

You can joke about anything|that has to do with yourself.

It's a basic human right.|Isn't that right, Nick?.

I think that's constitutional|or something.

Freedom of speech.|Freedom to joke.

You know what?.|I need the ladies' room.

Let's let the boys discuss|these new revelations.

- Good idea.|- I don't-- All right.

All right.

Be careful.|We'll be waiting.

Are you sure you want|to get laid tonight?.

I thought you would|like to know that.

I am not the one|who is here to learn.

For most of us,|this is a forgetting place.

- All right?.|- We were talking about Granddad.

- I figured--|- You felt qualified to jump in...

and expound|on that particular topic?.

That's right. I'm sorry.

You're an expert on that subject now.|You guys are joined at the f***ing hip.

I wanted to keep|the conversation going.

There are four of us|in this booth.

Think of it|as a game of bridge.

In bridge, you have|two sets of partners, okay?.

Ifyou hope to become|the kind of man...

that other men|choose to go into battle with...

you have to learn|to read your partner.

It should have been obvious I don't want|to talk about the family tonight.

A little while ago...

we were listening to Sophie|describe herself giving a blow job.

Don't you think that's|slightly more fertile ground...

than what's at the bottom|ofyour mother's laundry basket?.

Pull your weight and steer|the conversation back...

to something|in the same universe as sex.

Remember, the thing that was supposed|to be the primary focus this evening?.

Don't make me resort|to the fail-safe.

- Where are you going?.|- Excuse me.

No. Bad idea.

Ah,Jesus.

Everything okay over there?.

No. I can't go|with you standing there.

- Why not?.|- I just can't. Get out of here.

Can't go through life|with a shy bladder, Nick.

You're gonna be spending|a lot of time in bars.

Most of them will have restrooms|just like this one.

Fine. Then you go.|You go first.

I don't have to.|Just came in to rinse my hands.

Forget it.

- Let's go, kid.|- No, look. I'm with somebody.

Uncle Roger, could you|please tell him?. He doesn't--

- How you doing?.|- No, I don't know him.

- Bedtime, kid. Let's go.|- Uncle Roger.

- Come on, kid. Out.|- Could you please--

He's my-- Uncle Roger!|Really, go back in there.

Look, I'm an actor.|I'm researching a role.

- Good luck with that.|- Okay.

- You okay?.|- Oh, hey.

I guess I should've waited|to use the bathroom.

Okay. Unless the novelty of hanging out|with prom king here has worn off...

I suggest we get a bottle|and find someplace with a view.

- All right. Let's find a view.|- Let's find a view. Ladies.

- That was close.|- That's good. Thank you.

- This is the finest.|- That's good.Just a little bit.

Thankyou.

Just a little. That's good.|That's good.

- How do you like the wine?.|- I like it.

It makes my chest feel warm.

- Roger, you're a bad influence.|- Yes, I am.

- Alcohol, women of loose morals.|- And gambling.

That's right. Gambling.

I don't see Nick complaining.

Although I have to say,|forwomen ofloose morals...

conversation has been|pretty tame so far tonight.

With the notable exception|of Sophie's oral presentation.

Shut up.

It'd be helpful for Nick to hear more of|the female perspective of the sex act.

- Do you agree?.|- God.

Where to begin?.

Nick will get us started. Nick?.

Go ahead.

Ask away.|Any question you like.

Keep it interesting.

All right.

I guess I'd like to know|what your first time was like.

- That's what you come up with?.|- That is a great question.

Thankyou.

I'll go first.

- It was my junioryear.|- High school or college?.

High school.

His name was Bobby Rushton,|and we weren't even dating.

I just picked him out one day|and decided he was gonna be the one.

- Why did you pick him?.|- Sense of humor?.

Ha-ha. He was funny,|as I remember, but...

it was something more than that.

It was like this vibe.

I knew he would be nice.

He wasn't very popular, and I didn't|think he'd brag about me to his friends.

- That's half the fun.|- Well, he didn't.

He was just as nervous as I was.

Which is part of the reason|that I picked him...

because I think|I wanted to have some control.

- You know?.|- You were his first as well then?.

Yeah. In fact, I went with him|to go get the condoms.

We biked all the way across town...

because we were so afraid|someone might see us.

- We planned the thing for a month.|- I love this story.

- Yes.|- So, where did you, you know?.

It was in my house,|in my room.

My parents were away|for the weekend.

- Did you bleed?.|- The usual. Not too bad.

Wait. So it hurts the first time?.

Well, it really hurts...

that first second.

And then after that,|it's just new.

You know?. It's like this|new feeling foryour body.

So how was he?.

- Matter of seconds?.|- No way! He kept going like a champ.

I had to ask him|to hurry up, actually.

- Ow!|- Yeah.

He did admit to masturbating like crazy|beforehand so he wouldn't just--

- Like he wasn't doing that already.|- No, he sounds like a nice guy.

- He sounds like a dream come true.|- He was a nice guy.

He's a cop now.|He's got four kids.

Early sex|is an absolute humiliation.

Oh. Speak foryourself.|My first time was wonderful.

Oh, yeah?.

Let me take a wild guess.

- An older gentleman.|- Right you are.

- Married?.|- Right again.

How old were you?.

I was 1 9.|Freshman in college.

Guess you didn't spend a lot of time|getting to know your roommates.

No. No, I don't even remember|what they look like.

So what happened?.

Well, believe it or not,|he ended up staying with his wife.

What are the odds?.

What did you do when you realized|he wasn't going to leave her?.

Well, Nick,|I got over it eventually...

and vowed|not to repeat the mistake.

- And how's that going?.|- Some months are better than others.

- Uh-huh.|- Sophie--

- I didn't say anything.|- What can I do?. They're all married.

I promised I would not be a nag.|It's okay.

You, hotshot.|Tell us about your first time.

Actually, I think Nick's story|is much more interesting. Nick?.

- This I want to hear.|- Yeah.

Nicholas?.

Well, this is hard to admit, but...

I've never had sex.

You're a virgin?.

Yes.

That is so sexy.|Am I right?.

- It's hot.|- Really?.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes