Role Models

Thanks for everything.

Guess what I did

last night.

Dude!

Now let's rock

Westside Academy!

Taste the beast!

You can do

anything you want in life

as long as you

stay away from drugs.

Why would a person

use illegal drugs?

Many reasons.

Maybe they're trying to fit

in with a new group of friends.

Maybe they're curious.

Maybe they're just bored.

But whatever the reason,

what should you say when

someone offers you drugs?

Say, "No, thanks.

I'll have a Minotaur. "

Stay off drugs! Minotaur!

Thank you, Minotaur man.

Hey! Nice cow

outfit, homo.

Where can I pick one of

those up, the gay zoo?

Oh, no. It's not a...

It's not a cow.

It's a minotaur.

It's a creature of myth,

and he got this one out

of your mom's closet.

She let me keep it

after I f***ed her.

Drugs are bad.

Energy drinks, good.

So whenever you'd like to

taste one, help yourselves.

And for every can sold,

Minotaur will make a donation

to the Keep Kids

Off Drugs foundation.

God, this suit

smells like Tater Tots.

Yeah, I know what you need.

Kiss? Are you kidding? No. God.

I love Kiss.

No one loves Kiss.

Paul Stanley is

sick of Kiss.

Whoa! Don't dis

the Starchild.

Hey, don't get me

wrong, all right?

I like to "rock 'n' roll all

night and part of every day!"

Party every day. "Rock 'n' roll

all night and party every day!"

I like to rock 'n' roll part

of every day. Party every day.

I usually have errands.

Party.

I can rock 'n' roll from, like,

Hey, guys.

How's it going?

When someone offers you some

illegal drugs, what do you say?

You say, "No, thanks.

I'll just have a Minotaur. "

I've had so many

of these things.

I'm not kidding.

I may wet my pants.

Where's the bathroom?

Holy sh*t.

Dude, this is like

Shrek's piss.

So remember, stay off drugs,

drink Minotaur and above all...

Taste the beast!

You know what's

great about this job?

You mean,

besides nothing?

We're making

the world a better place.

How?

You know, giving the kids an

energy boost to stay off drugs.

We're selling them nuclear

horse piss for 6 bucks a can.

What an accomplishment.

Feels good, doesn't it?

Easy to do hung-over.

I could do

this job forever.

If I had to do this job forever,

I'd put a bullet in my head.

Game face, bro.

Surprise!

Yeah!

Got you, man! Got you!

Happy anniversary!

Did you know?

No.

All right.

That was good!

Oh, my God.

You're here.

Wheeler called me. Hi.

Thank you for warning me.

Hey, I tried to tell them

you don't like surprises,

but they really wanted

to celebrate your milestone.

What's up, mino-tards?

What's up, Wheeler?

My dick!

"My dick!"

Everybody, we're here to

celebrate my best friend, Danny!

We just work together.

Not "best friend. "

Be nice.

Danny's been

working here 10 years!

That's almost

a decade of living the dream.

You're the

man, Danny!

I want to grow

old with you, Danny.

Hopefully,

we'll be tasting the beast

for the rest of

our lives together!

Yeah!

All right!

It's early morning

The sun come out

Last night was shaking

And pretty loud

This is a nightmare.

Come on. I took

the afternoon off.

There's cake! Let's

try and enjoy ourselves.

Mitch from Graphics,

take over!

Do it!

Let's go next!

Come on. It'll be fun.

No.

Why not? Come on.

We'll do a duet!

Getting up in front

of a group of people

and singing is not my

idea of fun. All right?

It's humiliating.

With another sin

I'm gonna sing.

Here I am

Ow!

Rock you like a hurricane

Come on, come on, come

on, come on! Yeah, yeah!

Here I am

Come on. Sing it!

Rock you like a hurricane

Danny?

What is your problem?

Look, I'm sorry,

all right?

I'm not Wheeler, happy

in some brainless job,

no goals, no ambition.

Hey, you don't know

how Wheeler feels.

For all you know, he hates

his job as much as you do.

I love this job!

Hey, Wheeler!

She's tasting your beast!

Good morning.

Can I take your order?

Can I get a tall chai?

And a large black coffee.

A what?

Large black coffee.

Do you mean a venti?

No, I mean a large.

He means a venti. Yeah,

the biggest one you've got.

Venti is large.

No. Venti is 20.

Danny.

Yeah. "Large" is large.

In fact, "tall" is large.

And grande is

Spanish for large.

Venti is the only one

that doesn't mean large.

It's also the only

one that's Italian.

Congratulations! You're

stupid in three languages.

Look, dick.

Venti is a large coffee.

Really? Says who?

Fellini?

How much is that?

Here's a 10.

Do you accept lira,

or is it all euros now?

You know what,

just keep the change.

Jesus, Dan. You know what

they call the sizes here.

You know what, you've been

picking fights with everybody.

The girl at the party...

She said ASAP.

ASAP, I'm sorry.

Huge crime.

It's like "24l7" or "been there,

done that. " You hate that, too.

I don't hate it enough

to let it ruin my day.

It's getting worse. You

know, man? The sun is shining,

but you have lost the ability

to take any joy in life.

I can't stand it anymore!

You're just

a miserable dick now!

You're mean to everybody!

And, FYI, it's called a

venti because it's 20 ounces!

20! Venti!

Is that true?

She says I take

no joy in life.

I can see that.

I gotta talk to her.

Forget her, man.

Let me give you a little

motto I live my life by,

you got to hit

it and quit it.

No ties, tangle free.

Nobody tells me what to do.

I go bang,

bang, bang the drum.

What? That's not a motto.

That's just you

saying a bunch of things.

You know, Beth's right.

I'm a dick.

Hey, I'm in a rut, just

going from school to school

selling poison to

our nation's youth.

It's not poison.

It's got juice in it.

You know, I'm 35 years old.

I got nothing to

show for my life.

I figured I'd be something,

something good,

a professor, engineer.

I don't know.

Figured I'd be

married. I'd...

You know what? We're

making a detour. What?

We're making a detour.

Where?

We're making a detour.

Why?

Dude, you're too jacked up on

Minotaur. This is a mistake.

It's fine. Look,

I'll be right back.

Hey, we gotta be at the Blue

Valley Middle School by 1:30.

Yep!

No, I don't want

to plea-bargain.

I didn't do it.

Mr. Garvin, I just don't know what

other options we have, you know,

because they have this clear

videotape of you stealing

a lot of TVs.

Guys! Go, go, go.

That could be any bald guy.

Look at me. Me, David Garvin,

stealing TVs.

Who would believe it?

That is not me.

Hey, hi.

I need to talk to you.

Danny, I'm with a client,

so we'll talk later.

I can go.

No, no. You stay.

I'm not going anywhere

until you talk to me.

Excuse me one...

Thank you.

What? Fast.

All right, you were right.

I'm a dick. I'm a dick!

You're dickish.

Yes, I'm dickish.

I'm a dickish dick, and I'm

in a rut. We're in a rut.

Let's shake things up.

I have an idea.

Let's get married.

I don't have a ring.

Are you serious?

Mazel tov!

No.

Never mind.

What?

No.

Why?

Because despite this very well

thought out and romantic proposal,

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote