Ronal Barbaren

---

In the beginning there was only darkness.

And in the darkness was born the demon Zaal, -

Ruler of the Underworld -

And the oppressor of humans kind.

But from the shadows came Crane,

the warrior of warriors -

and bearer of the God Sword.

He free human kind -

and led them to victory.

But the price of victory was high.

For Crane suffered a wound

through the heart, -

- which bled for seven days

and seven nights.

And a hundred warriors

drank his blood.

And were given his strength.

And Crane looked at them

and saw that all was good.

And then he died.

Thus, the barbarians were created, -

Sons of Crane.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Listen, guys.

Strength! Courage! Fearlessness!

That is what

Crane gave to our people.

For thousands of generations,

generation after generation, -

- his blood has rushed

undiluted through our veins.

This is what we celebrate every year,

before we go on quests.

But first and foremost

is the blood of Crane, that makes us, -

- The barbarians,

the greatest warriors throughout Metalonia.

Okay, Ronal, it's your turn.

Ronal is sick...

Ronal is sick today.

Ronal!

Can't you pass over me?

I have a sore elbow.

Maybe I'm getting

dry skin... or...

- Joint Inflammation.

- Dammit, Ronal.

Put all your strength into it.

I'm looking

forward to this.

Oh, for God's sake, Ronal, man.

One.

Can't...

...do...

...more!

You must get

in shape before the quest.

A barbarian who can't

swing an ax, is... uh...

Anyway, not a real barbarian.

What do I need to quest for?

I'll just get in the way.

- Can't I hang out here?

- You are a Son of Crane.

A Son of Crane goes on quests and

kills monsters and returns in glory.

- It is the essence of being a barbarian.

- Uncle, look at me.

What should I do to monsters? Buckle on a

muscle suit and hope they die of laughter?

What then, Ronal?

Have you got any better ideas?

F***ing funny. Have you got

any brain cells?

What? Where? If there is one on my back,

can you press it out?

Listen here, kid. When you go on quests,

it is more about big balls -

not arms. Heroism.

Once you've grasped it, you'll have

no problem crushing the enemy.

I just find it hard to overlook,

that we can die!

Just shut up and train.

What is it?

The alarm. Everyone to arms!

At your posts! Move!

- Get to it!

- Yes, yes!

Barricade the gate!

Come on! Pull!

Up on the barricades, stand ready!

Quiet.

Wait.

Quiet!

Who's there?

Hail, noble barbarians.

We are Master Florien, -

a bard and our music.

We simply want,

for humble payment, of course, -

- to enrich your banquet

and your spectacular muscles -

- with noble sonatas of your past

heroes and heroines.

Attack!

- Songs. They sing songs at feasts.

- Feasts?

Check out their incredibly

dangerous tuba on the roof.

Let them in.

- No!

- Damn.

It's a bloody hundred years ago,

since I last split some skulls.

How the hell should I know

it was a tuba?

Yo, girls. How about

you wash my sick, virile, -

resilient, filthy -

awesome lute?

There shall be only practice, nothing frivolous,

young Alibert. The art calls.

We have to be ready.

Isn't there just a little bit of time

to walk around and look?

A true bard

remembers all the songs perfectly.

How perfect does it need to be?

Shouldn't we be on quests?

The barbarians are leaving tomorrow.

We could go with them.

Go with the flow.

I have to meet girls, man.

Maybe,

write some heroic poem.

Or something like that,

You know, with those verses.

Oh, young Alibert.

Only when you learn all the songs, -

can you make that kind of poem.

- What? That'll take a hundred years.

- Nonsense. It won't take that long.

I was only 57 when I finished

my apprenticeship.

Ouch! F***ing great.

Can Rikke, can Rikke,

can Rikke drink beer?

Can Rikke,

can Rikke, can Rikke drink beer?

Oh, it's good, man.

Can any one of you little children

guzzle a small pint of beer?

Alibert!

So I was on the hunt -

- And then I just run into

an ork and killed it.

- Here you go, honey. Wear it.

- Oh, how cute.

Yes, it brings out your eyes.

You have to see this too.

This is a real

invisibility lotion.

I used it,

when I snuck into a harem.

Cool, right? Total chick magnet.

So you can't see

who is attacking you.

What was that? Hey, there it is again.

And now it stopped.

- There it is again.

- Ouch, Gorak. Let me be.

- It will not stop.

- For God's sake, stop it!

Oh, Ronal, damn man.

All sons of Crane are here,

Prince Volcazar.

Then it's time.

- Can I take the watch for a bit?

- What about the feast?

I'm just kind of... a little tired.

Okay, then. Remember to blow the horn,

if you see something suspicious.

- Do you think you can handle that?

- I'm not an idiot.

- I want to be alone.

- It's a large horn.

Remember, breathe in.

Deep down in the stomach. And...

Damn, Uncle.

Who would attack us?

We're f***ing barbarians.

We smash everything.

- We've never been attacked.

- That may well be.

But it's the principle,

which is important.

That boy will be the end of me one day.

QUEST-MAGAZINE

F***ing barbarians, man.

What the hell is this?

We're being attacked?

We're being attacked!

Get your weapons!

No, no!

- We're ready to attack!

- Let hell rain down.

F***! F***!

Fire!

Attack! Show no mercy!

- Look! Fireworks!

- Did we order that?

We're being attacked!

Barbarians, defend yourselves!

Hup, hup, hup!

Oh, thank heavens.

They're saved.

This is a mad, f***ing sick party, man.

- Bummer!

- No!

Help! Help!

Punch! Smack!

Bash! Muscles!

I don't think

there are any more.

F***, f***, f***, f***.

He's mine.

We're done for.

Why didn't you blow the horn?

- I tried!

- You tried?

"Trying" isn't good enough, Ronal.

Get up. We must rescue the others.

The famous sons of Crane.

How pathetic.

Put them in chains.

Leave no one behind.

We Barbarians shall never surrender!

Everyone must bow to me...

No!

...or die!

No!

- Take them away.

- You heard Prince Volcazar!

Get the last barbarians in the cart.

Come on!

Put him in! Move!

- Come here!

- No, I won't...

- In with them!

- What the hell?

Remember your shoes and bags... axes!

We will not come back

and get them!

General? This prisoner

doesn't fit in the shackles.

- Should I just throw him away?

- That's not a barbarian.

- Drag him over there and kill him.

- Oh, thank you.

- Lucky son of a b*tch.

- He's always the one who get to do it.

- Kicking ass feels good

- Kicking ass feels good

- as a bonus, it is really nice

- as a bonus, it is really nice

sits well

feels good

No, I can't die. Help! Help!

Shut up,

this is really exciting.

Oh, man. Sh*t, it's night, man.

My head, man.

The town is torn up, what happened?

Where did everyone go?

Did they go to the after party?

Hey, you, wait!

Ro... Ronal.

Uncle. You're alive.

Not for long.

Crane... calls to me.

No, uncle,

it's probably just a... flesh wound.

Ronal when your parents died,

I swore to take care of you.

And I've kept that promise. But now

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes