Room Service Page #8

on opening night, waiting to be arrested.

Gee, I never thought I'd be arrested

for writing a play.

Curtain goes up in 20 minutes.

19 minutes.

Hilda and I were going to be married

right after the opening.

Congratulations.

- Gee, I guess they'll take our fingerprints.

- They got mine.

- You've been in jail?

- Sure. It's not bad.

You behave yourself,

they make you a trustee.

If we only had some money,

we could bribe those hotel d*cks.

Maybe the hotel would advance us some.

And stay in there.

Well, the quartet is complete.

What'll we do now, sing Sweet Adeline?

I got an idea. Let's turn on the fire alarm.

- We start a riot, then we can...

- We can't have a fire alarm without a fire.

All right, then, let's have a fire.

Well, even with a fire,

we still got 15 more minutes.

Any more brilliant ideas, Binelli?

How about the window?

How high up are we?

No, that's too high.

You know, there must be an easier way

of killing yourself.

I once killed myself.

I mean, that was my

initiation into the fraternity.

They made me do a phoney suicide act.

I scared the chemistry professor stiff.

Say, this chemistry professor,

he really believed you committed suicide?

Oh, yes.

He was gonna send for an ambulance.

- That's just what I was thinking.

- You mean, we carry him out?

Of course. He drinks a bottle of poison.

We have to rush him to the hospital.

- The house d*cks have let us through.

- That sounds great.

But don't forget, you haven't got three

chemistry professors standing out there.

We'll make it look authentic.

Davis, you go into the bathroom.

We go out in the hall screaming.

They rush in. There you are.

- Dead as a herring.

- No, not dead, just dying.

You're still living. That's why

we're rushing you to the hospital.

You're in great danger.

Then, after you carry me out,

we sneak in the theatre and see the show.

Exactly.

You wouldn't think

I came from Oswego five days ago.

Hey, Faker, come here.

You help Davis.

Now you go into the bathroom, remember,

count up to 50 before you start dying.

I know what to do.

Well, how did you like my little surprise?

In about 15 minutes,

when the show is in full swing,

the sheriffs will come along and take

every bit of scenery off the stage.

- Right in view of the audience!

- But Wagner!

I'll get the pleasure of calling

my lawyer, who'll get the sheriffs.

Mr Wagner, please.

What's that?

Who's in there?

Good heavens!

- Committed suicide.

- Davis. Davis, here.

- Oh, you... you drove me to it.

- What have you done? Give me that bottle.

Get him some water!

- This is terrible!

- Drank a whole bottle of poison.

Here.

- No! That's the poison you're giving him.

- Why didn't you stop him?

I didn't take him seriously when he said

you were driving him to suicide.

I suppose I'll have to testify to that

at the inquest.

Well, don't stand there, Gribble.

Do something, you idiot.

- Get the house doctor.

- He resigned. Shall I call an ambulance?

No, blockhead, that means publicity.

He's going fast.

No, wait. No, wait. Wait.

An antidote, that'll do it.

Gribble, you run down to the drugstore,

and send those house d*cks away.

We must keep this quiet.

- He's turning blue.

- We must do something.

We got to save him. Miller, you work on him.

Don't let him die.

Jumping butterballs!

This is our chance to see the show.

And the minute he finds out

you're not dying,

he'll send for those sheriffs

and stop the show.

Davis, there's only one thing for you to do.

You'll have to stay up here and keep

on dying for two-and-a-half hours.

- What?

- Till the show's over.

Well, why? I want to see the show.

Well, if you don't keep on dying,

there'll be no show.

Gee, I don't know whether I can keep it up

for two-and-a-half hours.

- It's all right. We'll help you.

- Leo!

Leo, Mr Gribble said you were dying.

It's only a plot, darling. I'm all right.

Hilda, we're in a jam.

We got to pretend that Leo is dying,

or Wagner will close the show.

I'm beginning to understand.

Good. You go downstairs

and keep an eye on the show,

and if anything goes wrong,

come up and tell us.

Gee, it's just like a play, isn't it?

All right, darling, I'll do my best.

And if I don't come back,

then you'll know it's good news.

If you do come back,

bring four bottles of poison.

Hurry up before they come back,

and groan, groan, stagger about.

Don't die too soon. You must take your

time, and you mustn't die before 11:00.

Don't you worry.

I'll give you the best performance

you ever saw in a hotel bedroom.

That's the spirit.

Good luck, Davis. Drop dead.

Are you sure we've got enough?

Yes, if this doesn't do it,

I don't know what we'll do.

Nobody ever committed suicide

in this hotel before.

Here's some Ipecac. Give him a dose of it.

Give him plenty.

- Come on, Gribble. You're all thumbs.

- I'm going as fast as I can.

Come on, Davis,

a little Ipecac wouldn't hurt you.

- Come on, drink.

- Just take the shot.

Here, here.

Somebody take this and give it to him.

- Come on. Come on.

- I'm being as fast as I can, Mr Wagner.

Straight down. Right down there.

This will do it.

This will bring him out, all right.

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

There.

Hurry, Gribble. Hurry.

You don't seem to be doing anything!

Boy, you know,

we always used this when we were kids.

Hurry.

- Come on. Put some more eggs in there.

- All right.

Can't you groan any more?

If I groan once more,

that Ipecac you gave me

will come up and spoil the whole show.

Well, in that case, consider yourself dead.

He's dying.

It's all over. His heart has ceased beating.

What a horrible end!

Such a young man.

All he said was "mother".

Oh!

On the stage downstairs, they have

barely begun your immortal second act.

While up here,

you have already finished your last act.

Too soon. Too soon.

- He died too soon.

- An hour too soon.

- I'll never forgive myself for this.

- Now, don't take it too hard.

- We should have sent for an outside doctor.

- But he kept recovering.

And dying.

And recovering again.

It all happened so suddenly.

Yes, too darn suddenly.

Every time we gave him the Ipecac,

he seemed to get better.

Maybe we should have

given him more Ipecac.

As a matter of fact,

I think we gave him too much.

If we could only bring him back.

An hour ago, we were at each other's throats,

and now...

A thing like this makes you realise.

It certainly does.

You struggle for money.

What good is it?

- You never know who's next.

- Yes.

Here today. Gone tomorrow.

Goodbye, Leo.

"Good night, sweet prince. "

Well, I guess we've all got to go sometime.

It's too bad he didn't die at the Astor.

You mean, it's bad for the hotel?

Well, it isn't good.

There's bound to be a scandal.

Oh, well.

I guess I may as well notify the police.

- Wait. Is that necessary?

- It's the law.

- But if we could arrange...

- Arrange what?

Well, if his body wasn't found

in the hotel proper...

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