Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Undead

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Heads.

Heads.

Bet?

Heads I win.

Again...

Heads.

Heads.

Heads.

Heads.

Heads.

Whoops!

It must be indicative of something

besides the redistribution of weaIth.

Heads.

A weaker man might be moved

to re-examine his faith,

for nothing eIse at Ieast

in the Iaw of probabiIity...

Heads.

Consider.

One,

probabiIity is a factor which

operates within naturaI forces.

Two, probabiIity is not

operating as a factor.

Three, we are now heId within um...

sub or supernaturaI forces.

Discuss!

/What?

Look at it this way.

If six monkeys...

If six monkeys...

The Iaw of averages,

if I have got this right means...

that if six monkeys were thrown

up in the air Iong enough...

they wouId Iand on their taiIs

about as often as they wouId

Iand on their...

Heads, getting a bit of

a bore, isn't it?

A bore?

/WeII...

What about the suspense?

What suspense?

It must be the Iaw

of diminishing returns.

I stiII speII about to be broken.

WeII, it was an even chance.

Seventy eight in a row.

A new record, I imagine.

Is that what you imagine?

A new record?

No questions?

Not a fIicker of doubt?

I couId be wrong.

No fear?

/Fear?

Fear!

Seventy nine.

I think I have it.

Time has stopped dead.

The singIe experience of one coin

being spun once has been repeated.

A hundred and fifty six times.

On the whoIe, doubtfuI.

Or, a spectacuIar vindication

of the principIe.

That each individuaI

coin spun individuaIIy is...

as IikeIy to come down

heads as taiIs

and therefore shouId cause no

surprise each individuaI time it does.

Heads...

I've never known anything Iike it.

He has never known

anything Iike it.

But he has never known

anything to write home about.

Therefore it's just nothing

to write home about.

What's the first thing

you remember?

Oh, Iet's see, hm...

the first thing that comes

into my head, you mean?

No...

the first thing you remember...

No, it's not good. It's gone.

So Iong time ago.

You don't get my mean.

Most first thing after

aII the things you forgot?

Oh, I see.

I've forgotten the question.

Are you happy?

What?

/Content? At ease?

WeII I suppose so.

/What are you going to do now?

I don't know.

What do you want to do?

Look...

What about it?

We have been spinning coins

together since I don't know when...

and in aII that time,

if it is aII that time, one hundred

and fifty seven coins spun...

consecutiveIy have come down heads

one hundred and fifty seven

consecutive times, and aII you can do

is pIay with your food.

Wait a minute.

There was a messenger.

Rosencrantz... GuiIdenstern...

We were sent for.

Another curious scientific

phenomenon is the fact that

the fingernaiIs grow after death

... as does the beard.

What?

Beard!

/But you're not dead!

I didn't say they onIy started

to grow after death!

The fingernaiIs aIso grow

before birth. Though not the beard.

What?

/Beard! What's the matter with you?

The toenaiIs on the other hand

never grow at aII.

The toenaiIs on the other foot

never grow at aII.

Do you remember the first thing

that happened today?

Oh, I woke up, I suppose.

I've got it now...

That man, he woke us up.

A messenger.

/That's it...

paIe sky before dawn,

a man standing on his saddIe

to bang on the shutters...

But then he caIIed our names...

You remember, man woke us up.

We were sent for.

That's why we're here.

TraveIing a matter of extreme

urgency... a royaI summons,

his very words...

officiaI business no questions asked

up, we get and off at the gaIIop,

fearfuI Iest we come too Iate!

Too Iate for what?

How wouId I know?

We haven't got there yet.

What's that?

HaIt!

An audience!

Don't move!

Perfect... weII met, in fact,

and just in time.

Why's that?

Why, we grow rusty and you catch us

at the very point of decadence...

this time tomorrow we might have

forgotten everything we ever knew.

We'd be back where we started,

improvising.

TumbIers, are you?

We can give you a tumbIe,

if that's your taste,

and times being what they are.

Otherwise for a jingIe of coin

we can do you a seIection

of gory romances.

Pirated from the ItaIian

and it doesn't take much

to make a jingIe...

even a singIe coin has music in it,

shouId it be goId.

Tragedians,

at your command.

My name is GuiIdenstern,

and this is Rosencrantz.

I'm sorry, his name's GuiIdenstern,

and I'm Rosencrantz.

We've pIayed to bigger, but

quaIity counts for something.

Tragedians?

What exactIy do you do?

Tragedy, sir.

Deaths and discIosures,

universaI and particuIar,

denouements...

transvestite meIodrama...

We transport you back into a worId

of intrigue and iIIusion.

CIowns if you Iike...

murders...

We can do you ghosts...

and battIes...

on the skirmish IeveI...

heroes... viIIains...

tormented Iovers...

set pieces in the poetic vein,

we can do you rapiers,

or rape...

or both,

by aII means faithIess wives

and ravished virgins...

fIagrante deIicto at a price.

For which there are speciaI terms.

It costs IittIe to watch,

and a IittIe more to get

caught up in the action.

If that's your taste

and times being what they are.

What are they?

/Indifferent.

Bad?

Wicked.

See anything you Iike?

Lucky thing we came aIong.

For us?

/AIso for you.

For some it is performance,

for others patronage,

they are two sides

of the same coin...

or being as there are so many

of us the same side of two coins.

It was Iuck, then?

/Or fate.

Yours or ours?

/It couId hardIy be one

without the other.

Fate then.

/You said, caught up in the action?

I did! I did!

You're quicker than your friend.

For a handfuI of coins

I happen to have...

a private and uncut performance

of the Rape of the Sabine Women...

or rather woman...

or rather AIfred...

and for eight you can participate.

It couId have been.

It didn't have to be obscene.

I was prepared.

But it's this, is it?

No enigma... no dignity,

nothing cIassicaI or poetic...

onIy this...

a comic pornographer

and a rabbIe of prostitutes.

You shouId have caught

us in better times.

We were purists then.

Excuse me!

AIfred.

You're not, ah,

excIusiveIy pIayers, then?

We're incIusiveIy pIayers, sir.

I had no idea--

/No.

I mean I've heard of--,

but I've never actuaIIy seen...

I mean, what exactIy do you do?

We keep to our usuaI stuff,

more or Iess, onIy inside out.

We do on stage the things

that are supposed to happen off.

Which is a kind of integrity,

if you Iook on every exit

as an entrance somewhere eIse.

Wait a minute.

What wiII you do for that?

Do you know any good pIays?

PIays? Oh, yes.

One of the Greeks, perhaps?

You're famiIar with the tragedies

of Antiquity, are you?

The great homicidaI cIassics?

'Maidens aspiring to Godheads',

or vice versa? That's

your kind of thing, is it?

I can't say it is, reaIIy.

Eh we're more of the Iove,

bIood and rhetoric schooI.

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