Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic

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(# Heavy rock)

(Cheering and applause)

Thank you very much!

Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, keep your applause

going for the duck head-butting man!

Keep it going for his well-meaning girlfriend

who's slightly frightened of him!

Give it up for her!

Give it up for young Peter,

the son of the big man.

Give it up for him!

Give it up for the man whose identity

Peter tried to steal!

And of course, we couldn't have done it

without him,

he loves to put la-di-dah ducts in

when he's not...running a hydroponics lab

in the outskirts of town,

he's a big man, he's a burly man,

he's a bearded man,

Peter!

(Wild cheering)

Oh yes!

Any questions?

(Man) Why are ninjas better than pirates?

Why are ninjas better than pirates?

l'll tell you why.

They're more efective. Right?

Because, let's look at the pirate, right?

The ninja can use the ninja throw-star.

Excellent weapon.

What does the pirate have?

(Man) A cannon!

A parrot.

l see what you're saying, a cannon.

But think it through.

He might have a cannon, right?

What do you need to light a cannon?

You need the ability to hold the matchbox

and the match.

What do pirates have? Hooks.

(Applause)

- (Man) He can have a wooden one.

- What?

He can have a wooden hooks?

What, two hooks and rub 'em together?

No. They tried that by cutting their legs off

and having wooden legs.

Then two pirates get together

and rub their legs together, like that,

causing friction and then flames but...

they simply set fire to their testicular region.

Yes.

(Squawks)

''Your balls are on fire.''

The ninja.

He has his eyes. He can see. He's stealthy.

He moves through the night.

(Man calls out)

(Woman) Ninja Turtles!

The Ninja Turtles. Yes, one example of...

types of ninja.

Stealthy.

Nimble.

Able to see.

Pirates -

one eye.

No depth perception whatsoever.

The ninja approaches the pirate.

The pirate approaches the ninja.

The ninja knows where the pirate is.

The pirate has no idea,

as he swings randomly with his hook,

his testicles burning.

My friends, ninjas win.

That's all l'm saying on the subject.

- Any other questions?

- Why do you like monkeys?

Why do l like monkeys?

Because they...

They're like babies but better.

That's why l like them.

You know? Because you have a tiny baby,

you hold it in your arms.

Right? lt's a little, human-shaped thing

that essentially just does poo

and goes ''Eeergh''.

A monkey - exactly the same size...

can ride a tiny bike.

(Applause)

And if it does do a poo,

it can throw it at you!

And children can't.

- (Man) What bike have you got?

- What?

What bike have you got?

What bike am l on or what bike have l got?

l've got a selection of bikes,

because l am something of a vol-au-vent

when it comes to that...

Yes, l have a selection of bikes,

l have a whle garage full of them

but the bike that l'm on at the moment

is the BMW GS Adventure.

- Are you an old man?

- What?

Am l an old man?

Mm. Here's a thing,

cos people have said that to me befoe.

People have said, ''Oh, you p*ssy,

riding around on a GS Adventure.

''You must be an old man.''

Here's a thing - why not try doing 85 gigs

in four months, right round Australia

including the top end,

covering, l don't know, 30,000 miles.

Why not try doing that on an R1?

- lt's not gonna happen!

- (Laughter)

You might look fancy, for about ten miles

and then you go, ''Oh, l can't feel my arse!''

You say it's an old man's bike but when

you're riding through Nortthern Territory

you want something that's gonna do the job.

You want to be able to have a lovely

fresh arse at the end of the day.

You don't want to be staggering into

your motel

like George Michael after a big night out.

- Do you know what l'm saying?

- (Laughter and applause)

lt's the perfect bike for the job. You know.

lf l'm hoonin' me way around the mountains,

l'll take a sports bike,

but for the job, l'll stick with my bike.

What bike do you ride, out of interest?

Honda CB-1 .

(Laughs)

Mm, yes. And l'm the old man.

Yeah.

OK. You do realise that you could probably

buy 20 of our bikes for the bike that l'm on?

Just if we're gonna get into

a pissing competition.

So that we're..

- F***in' cheeky bastard.

- (Man shouts out)

- What?

- When are you coming back to Canberra?

l haven't even left yet!

See what l mean about the friendliness?

When are you coming back?

Well, l've got another gig tomorrow but it's

sold out. l'll be back next year, probably.

Would that suit you?

- (Applause and cheering)

- Aw.

God bless you.

Oh.

You know what?

l love Canberra.

l mean, obviously, you know, it's dull as sh*t.

- But erm...

- (Applause)

You know, outside of that,

you're a fantastic bunch of people

and l look forward to my next gig here,

not so much seeing you again

but seeing how you've all changed.

- Just...

- (Laughter)

Just in a year's time, the wolf there,

he'll no longer be a cub, will he?

He'll be the leader of the pack.

You know. She'll have seen

the error of her ways and...

(Laughter)

She'll have a new boyfriend, no doubt.

One that doesn't need to wee

every five minutes.

You know?

Peter, he'll be in prison.

You know.

Not for the fact that he's running

a hydrponics lab.

He'll have just whacked people in the face

with his cock one too many times.

But that's fine cos sitting in his seat

will be his son

who will be a big burly man,

and will have grown his beard extra long

and l'll say ''How's your dad?''

and he'll go, ''He's fine.

''l'm running the la-di-dah ducting business.''

And l shall salute you.

And you might not be riding a sh*t bike.

(Laughter)

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure

talking to you. Take care, good night!

(# Heavy rock)

(# Heavy rock)

Welcome back! Welcome back

to the second half of the show!

(Cackles) That was brilliant.

You were all clapping, and l looked down

and the fella with the wolf -

sorry, Randy Pan.

But the whole...

Look at him - ''l have a name!

''l'm not just The Wolf'.

Yeah but Peter's become The Bearded Man,

so, you know.

But he did a brilliant thing there.

You were all clapping - yay! - like that,

and he'd reached around

and was making Randy Pan clap.

But because you're wearing black

and you had your hand behind him

l couldn't see your arms there,

and l went, Ahh!

The wolf was genuinely clapping -

''This is brilliant''

He's only clapping because he's going,

''l was on the stage, which means

l am owed a performance fee.''

Yeah, and people throughout the land'll be

going ''Brilliant - go and see Ross.

''Well, don't see Ross,

go and see the shitty wolf.

''And he might

make an appearance as well''.

So, anyway, welcome to...

Was it a good interval, all in all?

Yes. You haven't got him so you can

pretend you're a blind lad, have you?

That's not the plan? lt's what?

lt isn't... lt's not a good idea at all.

Cos how many blind people have a

dodgy-looking wolf with them

- that wears clothes?

- (Woman) They're blind! They don't know!

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