Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #2

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What? They're blind, they don't know.

(Sighs)

l walked into that one, didn't l?

As the blind fella would

if he had that as his guide dog.

Boomph!

''That blind man just walked into something.''

''l'm not surprised, he clearly has some kind

of cheaply-made Chinese acrylic toy on...

''on the end of a bit of wire as he wanders

around the place with a...''

Do they have...?

Yeah, they do - l couldn't work out,

cos l had the guide dog there

and the stick, as well. They do, don't they?

- Do they have the dog and the stick?

- (Man) Yes.

- (2nd man) No.

- Yes! No!

Yes! Yeah! (Grunting)

''l think they do.''

''l don't think they do.''

What a controversial response that was.

''Yes!'' ''No!'' ''Possibly!''

''They're blind, they don't know!

''They just have

whatever gets put in their hand.''

Walking along with a clothes prop in their...

or a mic stand, like this.

They, um... Do they? l'm not sure...

Yes, l'm sure they have a dog.

And... This is all the show is gonna be

unless we clear this up.

Obviously the stick has to be the right length

cos you don't wanna be, like...

pavement, whack the dog.

pavement, whack the...you know.

Essentially walking along

smacking a dog with a stick.

(Thudding)

- (Woman) Peter!

- What? ''Peter''?

No, it's the blind stick,

it's not him and his massive...

Oh, dear.

A blind man with his bits. (Thudding)

Dog's going like that,

''Oh, God, l'm gonna bite that in a minute''.

(Chuckles) Eh?

Give a dog a bone.

No, no! Don't...

You've let me down,

you've let yourselves down.

That was unnecessary smut

and l do apologise.

But it was there. l thought,

oh, there's the net, there we go. lt's in.

lt's in. The... That's football, by the way.

You lot are going,

what's that freaky game he's playing?

He should pick it up and then kick it

and then fight with somebody and...

Unh! Uh!

All that business.

Hey?

(Laughs)

(Thudding)

That'd be quite good cos the blind man

could just join the end of a pipe band

or something.

And just beat the dog in time.

(Whispers) Sorry.

(Mouths)

How good is that? Look.

That's my special effect.

(Applause)

Thank you. Ohh...

lt's not easy when you've got a metal spine.

(Chuckles) lt's great, that.

You're quite happy to allow me

to take the piss out of a blind man

but l just crossed the line

a little bit too much there.

Don't take the piss out of pipe bands.

The, um... (Whispers) Sorry.

l don't even know

what to look at first down here.

Somebody's left a mug on the stage here.

l don't know whether or not that's a gift

for me or whether one of the, er...

lazy slack-arse crew

has wandered through and just gone...

''Oh, l'll just leave that there''.

- That's...

- (Man) What's it say?

What's it say? l'll have a look, shall l?

Ooh, are you Grissom from CSl?

The, um...

''What's it say, Ross?

Have a look, there might be a clue.''

Hm.

lt says ''Gimmicky Gifts, Australia.

Made in lndonesia.''

Telephone number 02 9554 60 80.

That's not much of a novelty -

oh, it's on the side!

l'm a fool to myself. ''Hard work

has made me what l am today - f***ed''.

Are you kidding me?

You've just laughed

at the side of a jokey mug.

lf l'd known that l would've just

brought out a hundred mugs.

Just picked them up

and read the thing like that.

''You don't have to be mad to work here

but it helps.''

He's a genius.

You're making me feel

slightly less special now.

Thank you very much. lt's not often

somebody goes to the effort of, er...

you know, thinks, ''Noble's here,

how can we make him feel welcome?

''Should we applaud, should we cheer?''

No, let's give him the gift of crockery.

That's...

Either that or somebody's come along

thinking that this is an episode

of Bogun Antiques Roadshow.

Hm.

(# Vocalises theme to Antiques Roadshow)

(Australian accent) How much

do you reckon that is?

How much?

How f***ing much will l get for that?

That's a f***ing beauty, that is. F***in'...

(Posh accent) Well, yes,

l'll just have a look for you.

As you can see this is inscripted on the side

''Hard work has made me what l am today'',

and normally it's slightly worn

but l believe the original makers had the

word ''f***ed'' just underneath there,

denoting that it was a novelty gift.

Now, if l'm not mistaken

this was made in lndonesia, and, um...

if we just have a look on the bottom here

you should see -

yes, it's made in lndonesia,

by a company called Gimmicky Gifts.

And if l'm not mistaken

that company's phone number was 029...

(Australian accent) Oh, you're f***ing

ripper, you f***ing beauty.

(Posh accent)

That's worth about four dollars.

(Australian accent) Oh, get f***ed!

(Posh accent) Hm. Lovely.

l love it. You know what a bogun

shouted at me the other day?

And they love to, out of Utes, l've noticed.

There's...

Do you think when boguns

are buying their Utes they say, er,

they're having a look

at what they're gonna get -

four-wheel drive and all the features,

and they go,

(Australian accent) You mind

if l try the f***in' window?

Get f***ed!

Yeah, it's a f***in' beauty, eh?

l'll f***in' have that.

This fella...

l'm quite enjoying doing a gig

holding a mug.

l wish that had a bit of hot tea in it now.

The... And myself and Sir Peter Ustinov...

You know what's good about mugs, right?

You can, er... Obviously you can drink out of

them, that's quite a good thing about mugs.

''Thanks, Ross, for that bit of advice.

''Oh, how does he do it?''

The... (Chuckles)

No, what's quite good is -

you might not realise -

if you hold a mug close enough to your face

you can, er...

accurately impersonate Ronan Keating.

l'll show you. Look.

(# Distorted singing)

The, um...

This is great, this,

the start of the second half -

just me doing admin.

lt's, like, slightly scary

when there's an actual...

somebody's written me a note

on a picture of my own face.

(Chuckles)

Just put that down there, like that. There.

You will tell me if you see Tiny Ross

creeping up on me?

No, this...

Somebody's written on here...

For God's sake,

are you bloody stalking me?

Somebody asked me this the other night.

''Ross, what's better, pirates or ninjas?''

(Audience shouting out)

(Man) Ninjas!

l can't help feeling l'm not required here.

l've got a feeling we could just

turn the lights on

and you would have quite happily

just shouted at each other.

''Pirates!''

''Ninjas!''

lt's ninjas, every time.

There's, er, obviously, you know...

(Man) lt's not, it's Prokofiev!

l love the fact you pronounced it

''Pro-coffee-off'.

(Australian accent) Oi, mate! Pro-coffee off!

Oh, no, that's right -

the bogun, he shouts at me...

(Chuckles)

..out of the Ute, right.

This is brilliant. l've no idea what it means -

oh, and l haven't forgotten about

the most dangerous thing about riding

around Australia, either.

That's all in there! l know some of you

are going ''He's forgotten about that.

''He got waylaid with the wolf and all that,

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