Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #3

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and the (Thud) and the boom! ah!

And the ''l'm not me, it's him,

he's me and l'm...''

- lt's what?

- (Man) The Ute.

- Tell us about the Ute!

- l'll get to the Ute!

Jesus! l was reminding you of

the other things. ''Tell us about the Ute!''

Blimey, that's some sort of...

Are you some kind of young bogun

and you think l'm some kind of cult leader?

''Tell us about the Ute!

''Tell us...please.''

(Applause)

Are you?

Are you actually getting aroused by that?

That to you is the most erotic thing ever.

''Tell me about the Ute!

''Describe its capacity for...

''Describe its capacity

for carrying things on the back.

''Ohh... ls it four-wheel drive

or two-wheel drive?

''Does it have driving lights?

''ls there a slightly sad looking dog

tied to the back of it?

''Tell me about the Ute!''

The, um...

l love that, when you see somebody

driving a Ute and there's a dog in the back

and it doesn't know

when the corners are coming.

Slightly more entertaining

than Dancing With The Stars, l think.

You know? lt's exactly the same thing.

l feel like dressing up a dog in

a little ballroom dancing outfit and then...

And then putting it on as a show.

No, this fella, and he shouts at me,

(Australian accent) ''Oi!''

l went ''What?''

And he went,

''Your mum's your dad!''

What the hell does that mean?

''Your mum's your dad.''

And then he nodded, as if to go ''Yeah.

''Mm-hm. Oh, yeah.

''l speak only in truths.''

He was like some kind of bogun Confucius.

''Tell us.

''Tell us, oh, great wise one.''

''Ah, yeah, your mum's your dad!''

Yeah... Wow.

And so the prophecy hath been told.

The, um... And lo, The Lord did say,

''Your mum is your dad.''

Wise words. That is in the Bible.

Look at you, ''No, it's not.

''That's clearly bollocks.''

Yes. And so is the rest of the Bible,

so there's no difference.

- (Cheering and applause)

- So... Thank you. Yes.

Ohh...

Hello, one rogue religious person going,

''Ah, now...now, come on.''

No. lt's nonsense.

Right, anyway.

Are we all right here? Have l...?

No, if there's one thing

that shits me up the... Oh!

lf there's - cos l'm a very relaxed man.

l'm the most chilled-out bloke

you'll ever meet

but the one thing that winds me up

is bloody religious people.

Ohh!

Just... lt doesn't matter

what religion you are,

and let me just say, if there are

any people of faith in here this evening,

let me just say,

you're an idiot!

That's all l have to say

on the subject, right?

(Applause)

Just think it through,

that's all l've got to say.

Think it through!

Right? Stop reading old books full of

nonsense and make up your own ideas.

That's the brilliant thing about imagination,

you can just make something up

and live by those rules.

You don't have to listen to that nonsense.

There was a woman, right, in England.

Oh, she... Grr!

Sorry, l should be careful going, grr!

l don't want to set old Randy Pan off

going... (Howls)

Grr!

(Howls)

You know. And then, of course,

you with your beard

you unlock the inner wolf

and the next thing you know

all of us are rolling around on the floor

with raw meat in our mouths.

(Howling)

l love your beard. lt's fantastic.

lt's a proper man's beard.

You know what you look like?

You look like, er...

What's the best...? (Laughs)

That's great. He just went...

- ''Don't forget, my business...''

- (Woman) Turn round!

(Wolf-whistle)

(Wolf-whistles, people shouting out)

- What?!

- (Man) Show us the beard!

Show us the beard.

No.

lt's my picture on the posters.

As if he were... He's happy to talk to me

and be part of the show

but he doesn't want to be paraded around.

Like, ''Look at the freak.

Look at the bearded freak''.

You have a lovely sit-down and don't be...

bowed by peer pressure.

He's not your private beard dancer.

''Come on, show us the beard,

show us the beard.''

lt's a lovely beard, it's like... You're like

Teen Wolf after he's let himself go.

Do you know what l mean?

(Laughs)

Like Middle-Aged Wolf, that's you.

With... lt's nice, l like it.

l love the sinister way

you pointed at me though.

''Don't forget, Ross, my la-di-dah conduit

is merely a front.

''My other activities are highly illegal.

''ln fact, this beard isn't even real!''

That was it on elastic there.

Just if you wondered why l went like that.

lt was like you were pulling it out to go

''waay'', and then replacing it.

l'm not suggesting

that the beard is that long.

lt's in a big triangle there.

''Mm-hm, this beard isn't even real.''

Mw-a-a-h.

Why is he called Randy Pan?

You still...you still haven't explained.

- l don't know.

- You don't know?

Well, at some point... He didn't come...

When the fella that you won him off...

Right? The slightly dodgy carny, right?

When he handed him to you did he say,

''Take care of this slightly dodgy

synthetic firetrap wolf...

''He shall be named Randy Pan.''

There...there must...

- What's your name?

- Daniel.

Right, and so how long

have you had him now? A year?

- Yeah, about that.

- About that. Roughly.

Give or take. lt's not important,

l'm just, you know...

l'm not gonna ask you

to present documents.

Excuse me but it appears you've had this

wolf for only 1 1 months - you told me a year.

You're clearly in contravention of

the Canberra Synthetic Wolf Act.

lt is illegal for any man

who is not technically blind to own...

Surely it's ''medically blind'',

not ''technically blind''?

''Are you technically blind?''

''Well, if l do this technically l'm blind

but, you know...

''strictly speaking...''

Simply having a fringe

that comes down too far -

technically, l'm blind.

Medically, l'm not.

''l'm sorry, l can't cut your hair today,

you're technically blind.''

''Please, please, cut my hair.''

''No, because it wouldn't be a haircut,

it would be a medical procedure.''

''Oh. That's...that's interesting,

what you've done there.''

The... So, did you win it for your la...

ls this your girlfriend here?

How long you been going out?

Roughly!

Let's not get into some kind of

''1 1 months and 27 days.''

- The... What?

- About six months.

Over six months? Oh, l see.

So you pretty much won that

before she came on the scene?

Ooh, you couldn't have made your timing

worse if you'd tried.

That would have been better if you'd started

going out with her, went to the show...

Boom! Ding!

''Oh, you're such a strong man,

''here, have this dodgy synthetic wolf.''

That would've been a lovely romantic scene.

lnstead, she meets you,

comes back to your house

and the wolf is already there.

With a mysterious name

that nobody knows where it came from.

''What's that slightly dodgy looking wolf

in the corner?''

''Would you like him?''

''l'm not sure this relationship's working.

''Get a taxi, quickly!''

So you weren't with him

when the show happened?

- No.

- No. No.

Has he won you anything since?

(Woman) l got a monkey from Singapore.

You got a monkey from Singapore?

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