Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #4

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Jesus Christ!

That's... You're my kind of lady.

The, er... That's brilliant.

From him or just...?

Like... Or in the post?

''What the hell's this package?''

(lmitates monkey)

Little arms coming out the side.

(lmitates monkey)

''Bloody hell, what's this?''

''Ah-ah!''

''Oh, l've got a Singaporean monkey.

''lnfected with the deadly SARS virus!''

Yeah, no, monkey pox, that's what

you'd have from a... Wouldn't it?

From a monkey. Did he go to Singapore?

- Yes.

- That's just as well.

Er, did he go for the Singapore Show?

Cos that was just the heat -

he won the wolf and they went,

''Blimey, you're gonna represent Australia...

''in the Carnival Olympics''.

That'd be great, wouldn't it? You and

the rest of the team all going out there

you're the fella that bangs the thing, there's

a bloke that can get rings over Coke bottles.

Another man who's very good

at Hook A Duck.

He's a young farm boy

who practises with real ducks.

Quack! Quack!

There you go!

The, um... The... (Laughs)

l said ''duck'' not ''duct'', before you start.

''l sometimes play Hook A Duct.

''Sometimes, when we've put

la-di-dah conduit in

''and it's just slipped down into the cavity...

What are we gonna do?''

''lt's time to play...Hook A Duct!''

''l've almost got it, l've almost got it!

''Here it comes. Ooh, it's a tricky one.''

l don't know why l'm doing this.

l've got a massive

hydroponic drug outfit at home.

The, um... ''Get it.''

(Laughing)

That's a bit scary,

when somebody goes ''Warmer''.

When l say hydroponic drug outfit

l mean a big outfit...

l don't mean you've got an outfit.

That's a dead giveaway, that, isn't it?

Turning up to a local function

with a huge heat lamp above your head.

Like a hat, with a heat lamp

coming off it like that.

And then just all marijuana plants

down your arms

just all down there

then just walking in like that.

''Do you like my hydroponic outfit?''

l tell you what, you could cultivate seeds

in my pants with the heat l'm generating.

Oh, blimey.

Think l'm growing cress in there

at the moment.

Don't you dare.

The, um... Right, so how

did he become known as...?

l haven't forgotten about the Christian.

Or the dangerous thing that...

about riding a motorbike. He's like,

''l don't know what's going on now.

''l'm utterly confused.''

So, why Randy Pan?

Well, there's a Bill Hicks, um, skit

about Randy Pan the goat boy

Oh, the Bill Hicks thing,

Randy Pan the goat boy.

ls that what he was called, Randy Pan?

And he does all that...

(Deep grumbling)

Ah!

You could've told me that an hour ago.

But no.

Oh, l see. So you've called the wolf

after a popular Bill Hicks routine.

(Clicks tongue) Very good.

l like the way you're operating.

Phew.

Fantastic.

Then you've brought him along to this show

and he's become part of a comedy show

and hopefully, in the future, because

l've got a camera at the back there,

that might get shown somewhere else and

somebody might name their dodgy animal

after something in this sh... Peter.

And so it goes on.

Through time, repeating again and again.

Like the circle of life...

involving dodgy acrylic scary toys

won from carnival people.

lt's probably a bit unlikely but, you know...

You never know.

So is him having a legitimate business.

What can l say?

Anyway, what was l on about?

Oh, yeah! That's right! l was telling you

about the dangerous thing...

One woman on her own, ''Ha ha ha!''

Or were you just remembering

that Bill Hicks routine? ''Ha ha ha!

''lt was very funny that...'' Yeah.

No, the, um...

l was telling you about

the most dangerous thing

about travelling around this country, right,

and l love it, l'm having the time of my life,

it's amazing, right?

- l went to Broken Hill and, er...

- (Woman laughing)

That's not the funny bit!

''Ha ha ha! The d*ckhead went to Broken...''

No, l did, l went to Broken Hill.

l was very excited

cos that's where they did Mad Max ll.

And they've got the car from Mad Max,

and you can go there -

and l know it's childish

but you can pretend to be Mel Gibson!

lt's brilliant. That basically involves

staggering around the car, pissed.

Just occasionally shouting

anti-Semitic comments, you know.

''Uhh...l don't like Jews!''

The, er... Ohh!

''He might be a bigoted twat

but he's our bigoted twat!''

No, the most dangerous thing

which l've discovered is the bloody emus!

And l love your wildlife - kangaroos,

one of the greatest creatures ever

on the face of the planet.

They're magnificent, kangaroos.

Except that they don't give you any warning

that they're gonna jump in front of you.

They stand there like this, looking at you

a hundred miles away down a straight road,

going ''Oh, yeah?

''Wonder what that is

coming down the road.

''Think it's a motorbike.

''Oh, he's about 50 miles away now.''

And they just get closer

and closer and closer.

100 metres. 50 metres.

20 metres. 10 metres.

A metre.

(Screams)

Get out of the road, you mad bastard!

''What? What? What have l done?!''

(Screams)

But the emu, they just...!

lt's like it's just... lt's like it's five animals

going in different directions.

Their heads are going that way

and their legs are going that...

All, like, it's...it's like there's six or seven

smaller animals inside operating it.

What the hell's it gonna do?

They're unpredictable.

lf there is a God - and there probably isn't -

but, you know...

whoever designed the emu,

l mean, what were they thinking?

They just went ''Here's an idea,

let's have a creature

''that's essentially just a bush with a face.''

What could possibly go wrong there?

''Let's have a bush with a face and let's have

them live in amongst hundreds of bushes!''

You're riding down the motorway like that -

(Mimics engine)

Just like that, 150... 1 10, 1 10.

lt's 1 10...on the motorways

The... (Mimics engine)

Then all of a sudden,

one of the bushes goes...

Aaah!

Six-foot feather duster

with suicidal tendencies!

''Come on!''

And there's no way of predicting

where it's gonna go.

l had two of them running towards me

down the road, like that.

And l saw them. (Mimics engine)

And l thought ''Oh, God, here we go.''

You know when you're in a corridor

and you go to pass somebody like that,

and they go the same way,

so you go the other way,

and then they go that way and then you go

that way, and you go ''Ooo-whey!''

And then you go ''Ohh!'' and then walk off.

That's what emus are

genetically programmed to do.

lt's a bloody nightmare!

You're riding along...and you think

''Do l go that way, do l go that way?''

They're going

''Come on then, what's happening?

''What's bloody happening?

And you're going ''Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!''

This one was running towards me

and l thought ''Do l slam on me brakes,

do l go past it, do l go that way, this way?''

lt was getting closer and closer

and his mate come out from the side

and the two of them were in front of me

and l thought ''Sh*t, what do l do?''

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