Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #5

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You know what l did? You know what

my head decided was the best thing to do?

l raised my leg like this.

Ready to Jackie Chan it!

Boomph!

ln the face!

What the hell was l thinking?

Going at that speed, the bloody emu's

going the other way.

l go ''Oh, yeah. Emu over there,

watch and learn.''

Whaaa! Boomph!

(High-pitched groan)

Just kung-fuing emus off the road.

Don't you mess with me.

Standin' on me seat. ''Ooooh!''

Bloody nightmare. What's gonna happen?

l would have just gone...

lt would have ripped my leg off.

And l would have continued

driving down the road

just bleeding from the stump.

Whilst an emu with a leg in its mouth goes...

''What's that d*ckhead doing?

''Do you want a bit of leg?''

lt's a ridiculous scary carry-on, you know?

But l like the way they let the farmers use

the sides of the road as their stock routes.

''Here, let's get every animal

we possibly can...

''put 'em in the road.''

What could possibly go wrong there?

Emus flying out right, left and centre

and bloody goats standing there like that.

Whooh!

What they should do,

cos the police, they say

''Oh, shall we have speed cameras?''

All they should do,

stand at the side of the road with an emu,

anyone's going a bit fast,

''Have some of that!''

lt would work on two levels, cos you know

how they say we need to do more exercise?

Three times a week you need

to raise your heart rate for 30 minutes.

Aaaaaah!

Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom!

Oh, brilliant.

l'm not gonna die of a heart attack.

Problem solved.

Anyway, what was l on about

before l started ranting?

- What?

- (Man) Christian lady!

Christian lady!

Thank you very much over there.

An angry Satanist joining in.

''Christian lady!''

There's a special offer for Pagans tonight.

They... No, what it is...

Don't get me wrong. Seriously, if there are

people in here that are, you know, of faith,

you might be there going ''You better not

take the piss out of Christians.''

Just...

(Laughter)

Come on!

l'll tell you the ones

that sh*t me the worst.

Bloody Jehovah's Witnesses, right?

You're supposed to be respectful to people

who believe in God,

because there's some sort of rule,

''Oh, you can't take the piss out of them.''

l think ''No! lt's just rude!''

Like...

Because they're religious you're supposed

to not say ''Oh, hello. Jehovah's Witness?

''F*** off.'' Right?

But l think, just switch the rules round, right?

How would they like it

if l came to their house, right?

Because for example, right,

l love a game of Monopoly.

Oh, Monopoly! Can't help meself.

lf there's a Monopoly board,

we're playin', right?

How would they like it

if l knocked on the door?

'''Scuse me,

l know you're trying to have your tea,

''but would you be interested in Monopoly?

''l love Monopoly and l play Monopoly...''

''You, get out.''

''Get right out...''

Ooh, that's bloody him, isn't it?

That's Randy Pan's dad.

Oh. And he went thorough that door

and was denied!

Blimey, that was good.

Well done the usher, just went ''Uh-uh''.

''But l'm a blind man!''

''Where's your wolf?''

''Ooh, sh*t, l forgot it.''

Has he gone for a cheeky wee?

Maybe? Oh.

- lt's what?

- Toilet.

Oh, toilet stop. l see.

So chances are, he's gone for a wee.

Well, it's one of two things, isn't it?

Be a bit scary if l went

''Number ones or number twos?''

and you went ''Number threes.''

You can ask when he gets back.

l can ask him when he gets back?

Oh, don't you worry about that.

l'll be asking him.

(Chuckles) Yeah.

Just can't help themself,

off to the toilets for a cheeky fiddle.

No wonder he calls him Randy Pan.

Anyway... Oh, no.

Like l say, l love a bit of Monopoly.

lf l went to their house and said ''Are you

interested in playing Monopoly with me?''

''Would you like to discuss Monopoly?

You could let me into your house,

''and the two of us could get on our knees

and play Monopoly together.

''You could allow the idea of Monopoly

into your life.''

He'd turn round and go

''Piss off! You're mental!''

l then would leave.

l wouldn't persist by going,

''OK, l'll just leave the rules.''

Do you know what l mean?

- (Applause)

- You know?

''l'll just...''

''l'll just leave the rules and you can read

them. lf there's anything that interests you,

''Chance or Community Chest,

''the possibility of winning first prize

in a beauty competition.

''l'll pop back on Sunday and we'll have

a lovely sing-song all about Monopoly.''

''Get out, you're mental!''

You know, it doesn't make sense,

you know?

And they... Ooh, they...

But this woman, right?

This d*ckhead, right, in England, right?

She was a BA worker, right?

British Airways. She didn't work

for the fella from the A-Team.

''l pity the fool!

''l pity the fool who works for me!''

No. British Airways, right?

She works for British Airways...

l can see you filling him in.

''Hey, son. While you were out,

he asked if you were doing a wee

''and l said that you were doing number two.''

(Mumbling)

''And then you went to the thing and

you were blind and you couldn't get out.''

''All right, thanks very much.''

That was quick.

Did you not go in the interval?

- The show plays outside...

- The what?

- The show plays on speakers outside.

- The show plays on speakers outside?

You paid to get in here

but it's playing outside?

(Laughter)

So right now... l know the thing's sold out

but that's taking the piss, isn't it?

lf right now there's a load of kids

in the car park like that.

''Ha ha ha-ha!

''Ha ha ha!

''l wonder what colour his beard is.''

''l don't know, l'm technically blind.''

But there was this d*ckhead, right?

Christian woman, right?

Oohhh! Right?

D*ckhead! D*ckhead! D*ckhead! Right?

Seriously, if you're a Christian,

you're a d*ckhead.

l'll defend your right to be a d*ckhead.

l get very angry when people start trying

to ban all different things.

They tried to ban hot cross buns because

they said it was a religious thing.

No. lt doesn't matter whether or not

it's based on nonsense,

it still should be allowed to exist.

''You can't call them hot cross buns

because a cross is a Christian symbol.

''They should be called spiced buns.''

No they shouldn't!

The only reason they've got a cross on them

is because they're called hot cross buns!

lf he did exist, Jesus died on a cross,

he didn't die on a big pile of spices!

Think it through!

''The Romans killed our Lord!''

No it wasn't, it was Colonel Sanders.

With his ten blends of herbs and spices.

They placed him a cross -

or was it a rotisserie?

Our Lord was revolved

as they threw the spices at him.

''Our Lord is dead!''

''Oh, but he's finger lickin' good!''

Who gives a sh*t whether they're called

hot cross buns or spiced buns or...

You can call them Jesus baps

for all l'm bothered.

Or Messiah muffins.

That'd be good wouldn't it?

Ooh! Find the face of our Lord Jesus

in the top of 'em like that.

''There's the Lord. Next muffin.''

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