Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #6

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Anyway, the point is, right, this d*ckhead,

this Christian d*ckhead, right,

she caused all sorts of controversy, right,

and she was in all the papers.

Cos she wanted to wear... They sacked her

cos she wanted to wear a cross at work

and they said ''You can't wear a cross.''

l just thought ''Who cares about whether

she wears a cross or not?''

l believe in Darwinism. You don't see me

wearing a tiara with monkeys on it.

You know?

(Applause)

To be honest with you

l would if they sold them, but...

But she was there going ''l have to wear

a cross because l'm a Christian''

and everyone was going

''She's got a good point.''

No she doesn't have a good point!

lt'd be different if she said ''l have to wear

the cross because l pissed off a vampire.''

People would think she was loopy.

Because it's Jesus...

''l have to show the cross

as an outward display of Christianity.''

Here's an outward display of Christianity.

Be nice to people, love thy neighbour,

shut the f*** up!

Just as an idea. You know?

(Applause)

Spend less time singing about sh*t

and actually go out and be nice to people.

How's that for an idea?

# We really love you, Jesus

# You're really, really good...

That's your way of showing your love?

By standing in a big old

draughty room going,

# We think you are brilliant

# We really like your face #

lt's just... That's sh*t!

How would you...

lf you were in love with somebody,

like a human person that genuinely existed...

you wouldn't follow them round going

# We really, really like you

# You are really quite nice #

You'd go ''Shut up!

Stop singing in my face!''

Anyway, this woman...

Oh, God! She was as bad.

There was another one.

A Muslim woman, right?

Ooh, hello!

(Whispering nervously)

''You can't say Muslim, Ross.

''lt's not politically correct.''

Bollocks to them!

They're just as retarded as Christians.

- Right...

- (Applause)

l'm sick of it! l mean, let's not be mean

to Muslim people in general,

they get a bit of a hard time,

they're not all terrorists, right? Fair enough.

Some of them...are.

You know. Quite frankly,

some of them are just ''boing!''

You know, but most of them, lovely people,

fancy, canny, lovely,

cheeky Muslims.

(Laughter)

Yeah, the cheeky Muslims. They're the best.

They do a little dance.

# Ooh, ah, cheeky cheeky Muslim

# Cheeky cheeky Muslim, we love you

# Hey, ho, cheeky cheeky Muslim

# Cheeky cheeky Muslim, we love you

# Hoo, ha, cheeky cheeky Muslim

stick it up your old bamboo

# Hey, ho, cheeky cheeky Muslim

cheeky cheeky Muslim you

# Hoo! #

- You know, erm...

- (Laughter and applause)

lt's a bit of a turnaround,

from ''Oh! You cant' talk about Muslims!''

to ''Hey! # Hey, ho, cheeky cheeky Muslim,

cheeky cheeky Muslim, we love...''

Right now in the car park, the kids'll be like

# Hey, ho, cheeky cheeky Muslim... #

What a great way to end a gig

that would be, wouldn't it?

lf just thousands of people ended up

conga-ing through the streets of Canberra.

# Hey, ho, cheeky cheeky Muslim

cheeky cheeky Muslim we love you

# Hoo, ha, cheeky cheeky Muslim... #

That's quite a difficult one to police that,

though, isn't it?

Do you attempt to get lots of police officers

and rush us from the side

or do you just get one bloke

in full riot gear...

to attack the head of the conga?

''Here they come! Woah!''

Cos if he bottles out

he could just go... (Yells)

''Oh sh*t!

# Oh, ah, cheeky cheeky Muslim... #''

There's this Muslim woman, right,

and obviously they like to wear the veils,

which l've never understood,

it's a ridiculous thing to do.

You know, l don't know if they have to wear

a veil or it's as long as their face is covered.

They should be allowed to have just

a couple dry ice machines either side...

You know, or some steam jets.

Just some steam there.

Just as soon as a man looks at their face,

they just press a..

Ooh, look at that steam-faced Muslim

over there.

''Don't look at my face.''

Or a waterfall, a nice waterfall, just...

coming down there like that.

Bit of food colour in the top to cover the...

You know.

Yeah, not with water restrictions

at stage four.

Mm, there'd be a lot of Muslim ladies

not able to leave the house.

They'd be like that. ''ls it raining yet?''

''No.''

''Ohh...

''lt'll have to be the veil again today.''

Oh, the veil in this weather Oh, dear me!

Can you get it in bikini material?

Do you know what l mean? No, never mind.

lt'd be a helluva tan, wouldn't it?

You'd look like Michael Stipe

when you took your clothes off.

- Never mind.

- (Laughter)

Look at that. About four people got that.

''That's good, that. l like that.

That's a very good REM joke.''

Anyway, so this d*ckhead, right,

she wanted to wear the veil.

She was a teacher.

She wanted to wear it whilst teaching

the children and they said you can't

cos it's gonna interfere with your job, right?

And there was a genuine quote

from this woman.

The biggest bit of religious nonsense

l've seen in years, right?

She was interviewed on the news

and she went like this.

''l can't see how the children

would be intimidated.''

Cos you look like a deadly assassin!

You can't turn up to work

dressed like a ninja

and expect people not to freak out!

''lt's not gonna affect my work.''

Yes, it is!

You couldn't do your job through

a hole in the fence, could you?

''Hey, kiddies!

Sing along and do the actions.

''# The wheels on the bus

go round and round...

''Why aren't you doing it, kiddies?

Come on.

''# The wheels on the bus...

Watch my eyes.

''# The wheels on the bus

go round and round

''# Round and... #

(Applause)

lt's all nonsense and it's time it stopped.

That's all l have to say on the subject.

You know. Well, it's not all l have to say

on the subject.

l could rant on about it for hours,

to be honest.

l just don't understand why you've got

Muslims wearing veils,

you've got Sikhs wearing turbans,

you've got Jewish people wearing

the yarmulkes, the skullcap things.

What is it with religious people and hats?

Do you really think God gives a sh*t

what sort of hat you wear?

Do you not think something

that created everything

probably has bigger things to think about

than your choice of hat?

He doesn't give a sh*t!

He's not gonna be up there on his cloud

going ''l am the lord!

''Supreme ruler of the universe!

''l can destroy you with my almighty powers!

''But l tell you what,

l'm a stickler for millinery.

''Ooh! Wear the wrong hat

and l'll strike you down, b*tches!''

He doesn't care! He's kind of

a bit more open-minded, l think.

You know what would make me laugh,

is if it come to judgment day

and we discovered that all religious people

were wrong

and l'll happily burn in hell, l don't give a sh*t.

l just think use your imagination.

But the point is that if we went up to heaven

and no one was allowed in, other than...

the only people that God lets in, right,

the only hat that God approves of,

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