Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #7

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- is the top hat.

- (Laughter)

Oh!

Wouldn't that be magnificent?

Cos come judgment day,

we're all outside the pearly gates

and the only ones allowed in

are God, Fred Astaire

and Slash from Guns N' Roses.

(lmitates electric guitar)

# Puttin' on my top hat, da-da-da #

lt'd be fantastic.

And bizarrely enough,

the fella from the Monopoly board.

(Laughter)

And magicians.

And the Fat Controller.

And Top Cat.

And that peanut with the monocle that...

Erm...

Er...

And Abraham Lincoln as well.

l've not full though that through,

to be honest.

Needs a bit of work.

l do like the idea,

cos what'll happen with this show,

you might for a while,

just bits of the show will go in,

and you'll start going

''Oh, sh*t. l'd better make out my will,

''and l'd better buy a top hat.

''Just to make sure that l do go to heaven.''

l'd like that. l mean, it'd be nice

if there was a heaven.

l think that would be... l'd quite like to meet

Harold Lloyd and Steve lrwin, you know.

But.. Yeah.

''What?''

''What are you talking about?''

No, just a thing, personal thing.

Oh, l tell you what, right.

l made a terrible faux pas.

l... Oh, God.

Every... l loved Steve lrwin, right?

He was my ultimate hero.

Oh, him and Evel Knievel, right?

For me, the ultimate

entertainment would be...

is if Steve lrwin and Evel Knievel got

together, got on the back of a crocodile,

and jumped a hippo.

Do you know what l mean?

That would have been the ultimate.

You couldn't get better than that.

But the night that he died, right,

l made such a faux pas it wasn't even funny.

Well, it was funny, it was hilarious,

but wrong.

l was chatting away,

l was going ''Blah blah blah.''

And somebody in the audience shouted

''Have you heard about Steve lrwin?''

And l went ''No, what's Steve up to?''

Right? And somebody went ''Oh.''

(Laughter)

And l went ''What?'' And he went...

''He died.''

And l was genuinely blindsided, right?

l went ''What?''

And l was deeply upset.

And l went ''What, he died?''

And somebody right at the very back,

this little voice went...

''Are you all right?''

(Laughter)

And l'm stood there, and l went...

when the voice went ''Are you all right?''

l didn't know how he...

l feel terrible now but it was funny.

l went ''Sorry, l'm deeply upset.

''That's got me right there, that has.''

l didn't know!

l didn't know!

What could l do?

lt was a shocking state of affairs.

He was the greatest human being. l mean,

don't get me wrong, he was mental.

Here's a man who found the most

dangerous creatures on the planet

and just wound them up.

''Over here's the deadly great white shark!

''l'll punch him in the face!''

Boof!

''The alligator with its razor-sharp teeth!

''l'll put me plums in his mouth.

''The taipan, the most deadly snake alive.

''l'll shove it up me arse.''

And yet, he was killed by a stringray?

A stringray?

''Hello, l'm a stingray.

''All right, how's it going?

l'll get you a cup of tea, l'm a string...''

People in England thought stingrays were

dangerous, that they kill people all the time.

''Those stingrays, they're evil bastards!''

''l'm a stingray. l'm thinking of buying

a new pair of shoes.''

People didn't underst... They don't even

wear shoes, that's how placid they are.

What you buying shoes for?

''They're a gift.

''They're a gift for an elderly lady.

''l'm a stingray and l'm a caring person...''

You...

Stingray? Killed by a stingray?

l didn't understand that they were

placid and lovely creatures.

The only way l could describe it to people

back home

was basically...the equivalent in England

would be walking through a forest

and being killed by a falling owl.

Do you know what l mean?

(Humming)

Boomph!

- (Applause)

- Thank you.

l'm not quite sure how an owl

falls from its perch.

Clearly some local kids

have greased up a branch.

Cos they're quite grippy creatures, owls.

Probably see the branch there

and just go ''Oh yeah. That'll do. Lovely.

''Think l'll have that branch there...

''Ooh, sh*t!''

Boof!

l seem to have survived that fall there.

Drop another one,

l've developed an owl immunity!

Boof!

They don't seem to be falling

onto the floor, either.

l seem to be catching them on my head

and stacking them up.

l'll do that again but this time,

listen out for the secondary noise

as the owl hits the floor.

Oh, yeah. Never let it be said that my mimes

are anything les than complete.

(Laughter)

See, l even checked to see if the owl

was ready. Did you see that?

l did a cheeky walk forward. ls he loaded up

in the special owl dropping contraption?

- ''Yes.''

- Thanks.

Feel the tension in here, can you feel?

People going ''Bloody hell, Ross.

Don't even attempt it.

''l don't know if you can pull it off.''

Trust me, l'm a fully trained

owl professional.

(Laughter)

Please.

This is a very, very difficult stunt to pull off.

(Man) Duck!

(Laughter and applause)

Did you hear that?

That's all your fault.

What were you saying? Duck as in that,

or did you want me to change the bird?

Were you going,

''l'd prefer to see a duck fall.''

l can if you want. l'm versatile.

One second. Excuse me, yes.

Take the owl out of the device.

And place a duck in.

What do you mean, it's unorthodox?

l know it is.

What do you mean, you haven't got

the right attachment to fit a duck?

Can you not just improvise?

Well, drop it by hand.

Who are you, exactly, l'm talking to,

and why are you hanging around above the

stage with a selection of different birds?

What, you just happened to have a duck

there, did you?

Yes. What? lt's flightless.

You're right, yes.

Try and drop it so its bill is facing up

so it doesn't get jammed...

in my head.

Yes. OK.

What, why?

Cos some d*ckhead shouted it out.

What can l do? l can't just ignore the fact

that he shouted ''duck'' can l?

All right. Well, load it up.

Thanks.

l'm not quite sure why l said that

in a slightly camp voice but...

What? No, l don't want vol-au-vents.

ls there anything else you'd like, possibly?

Seeing as we're changing the bird

that's falling on my head,

why don't we open it up? ls there any...?

- (Man) Emu!

- What? An emu!

Oh, good work!

As l approach the duck dropping zone...

an emu will run towards me

and l'll be forced to...

Good thinking there.

- (Man calls out)

- What?

Ask Peter for the duck.

Look, l don't want Peter anywhere near

this scenario.

Cos all l know is, it'll end up with me getting

whacked in the face with something...

that quite frankly, l don't want

anywhere near my face.

As much as l invol...

As much as l enjoy a vol-au-vent,

l draw the line there.

That's the greatest... That's got to be

the greatest euphemism for being gay.

''As much as l enjoy a vol-au-vent...''

l don't know.

My favourite euphemism

for being gay is, er....

''He enjoys roller-blading.''

(Laughter)

Because roller-blading is the gayest thing

you can do, right?

You can have sex with a man and that is

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