Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #8

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less gay than roller-blading, right?

Where else can you combine action...

and gayness, in one perfect union?

The only way to get more action

and gayness into one short activity

is to fire Elton John out of a cannon.

So, we're dropping a duck,

l'm gonna dodge an emu,

the owl's gonna hit me on the head.

- Anything else?

- (People calling out)

Do it while l'm roller-blading?

(Applause)

Whatever turns you on, my friend.

All right, then. l shall do it

whilst roller-blading.

Anything else?

- (Man) With a burqa on.

- With a burqa on?

Ooh, it'll have to be a short one so

it doesn't get caught in the roller-blade.

Yeah. No problem, l'll have a burqa on,

there we go.

Can l have the steam-powered version?

ln fact, what l'll do is

l'll put the steam jets that way,

and then that'll propel me forward.

Good thinking. Anything else?

- (People calling out)

- On fire?

- And what?

- A bike helmet.

A bike helmet, so l'm wearing a burqa

and a bike helmet and l'm on...

- And a what?

- Top hat!

And a top hat. Right.

- So, let me get this straight.

- (Laughter)

l'm on r... Just wait a second!

l'm on roller-blades, wearing a burqa,

with a motorcycle helmet on,

with a top hat...

on fire.

- OK.

- (People calling out)

And...?

Take the what?

Take the plug.

Oh, take the mug.

No.

That's a stupid idea.

- (Woman shouts out loudly)

- What?

- Naked!

- Naked?

How can l be naked and wearing a burqa?

l tell you what l'll do.

l'll wear the top half of a burqa,

and l'll be naked from the waist down.

- Right.

- (Wolf-whistle)

- (Man calling out)

- What?

- Being chased by a bear.

- Being chased by a... No.

Let's leave Peter out of this.

He's going ''Thank you.

''lt's a shame you didn't say that

at the start of the night.''

l tell you what l'll do. lnstead of allowing

the owl to hit me on the head,

l'll do a few owl tricks

to make it more of a spectacular.

(Man) lt's a duck!

l know it's a duck!

For f***'s sake!

Right then. When the duck falls...

You f***in'...pedantic bastard!

Yeah. l'll do owl tricks with a duck.

(Laughter)

Yes. When l get to here,

l'll do a few duck tricks.

As he hits he on the head, l'll have him

bouncing off me shoulder,

and then off me elbow,

and then l'll Steven Segal him...

backwards, then l'll kick him over my head,

which isn't easy on roller-blades,

over the top, right, then l'll play

keepsie-uppsie with him like that,

and then... Wait.

l'm gonna kick him out there, right?

You, my friend, Randy Pan's...guardian.

l'm gonna kick him to you, right.

l want you to stand up,

head-butt him back,

and then l'll catch him between the knees.

OK?

- Yeah?

- (Man) Do it blind!

- Do it what?

- Blind!

Do it blind?

OK. l'll tell you what.

l'll do it technically blind.

Right.

Can you do that for me? Yeah?

And you better stand up as well.

Cos if you don't, the duck'll fly over

and it'll get somebody in the eye.

And l'm not covered

for public duck liability.

(Woman) Be a stingray.

- Do... Doing what?

- Do a stingray!

Doing a sting...?

Oh, swinging a stingray.

All right, then. l'll swing a...stingray.

l'll tell you what l'll do.

l'll sing Rawhide at the end.

Right. Let's pretend a stingray's

in a nice tank there,

ready to be swung.

OK.

(Exhales)

(Man) Where's your guide dog?

l can't find him.

l'm technically blind.

He's run off with the wolf.

Right.

Now when l start this,

you can do a bit of a drum roll on your lap.

Right? OK.

Excuse me one sec.

Not yet! l've gotta get me skates on first,

haven't l?

Ooh, better take me pants off.

- (Wolf-whistle)

- Thank you.

lf this is good, l can't help thinking that

males strippers in the area have got it easy,

if they only have to mime

taking their clothes off.

Loads of women going ''Oh, that

Marcel Marceau, he's a hot bastard.''

Poof!

lt's all right. That was...

That was the sweat.

Bucketing out there.

Oh, that's better.

(Laughter)

(Wolf-whistle)

l like to be comfortable under my...

''ls he wearing ladies' stockings?''

Right then, what do l want now?

Put me burqa on.

Attach me steam jets.

Got me little furnace here.

Tiny bit of coal.

Ready to create the steam.

Er, crash helmet.

(Laughter)

Blindfold.

Ooh! lt's quite hard,

it slipped off the top there.

(Laughter)

Very shiny, that helmet. Right...

Er, skates.

(Laughter)

(Grunts)

(Applause)

l can't see where l'm going now.

- (Man) Top hat!

- What?

- Top hat!

- Give us a chance!

Just put me skates on, you bastard.

l can't find it, l've got my blindfold on,

haven't l?

Please, Lord, deliver me a top hat.

Thanks, Lord.

Right, here we go.

(Man) On fire!

(Mimics flames roaring)

(Squawks)

Bloody emu!

Drop the duck! Quack quack!

Boomph! Boomph!

Boomph! Boomph!

Boomph!

Boomph! Boomph! Boomph! Boomph!

Boomph! Boomph! Boomph!

That's not easy in skates.

Are you ready?

Get the stingray ready.

Boomph! Boomph!

Boomph!

# Rollin' rollin' rollin',

oh, the streets are rollin'... #

(Cheering and applause)

Ladies and gentlemen, that's all from me.

Take care of yourselves, good night!

(# Heavy rock)

(Cheering and applause)

(# Heavy rock)

(Cheering)

Hello, hello, hello, my Canberrian friends!

How are you? Are you all very well?

- (All) Yeah!

- Yeah! Nice one!

And what a... Lovely people

sat down the front there,

and then you lot all sat there,

and you've brought along...

you've booked a seat specifically for some

crazy mascot that you've brought along.

Chuck it up, go on.

Look at that, not only did he have a mascot,

he went...

and he pointed at the fact it was wearing

a T-shirt, one of my T-shirts.

Throw it up. Let's have a look

at your mascot.

Look, there was an audible gasp

from you people there.

(Gasps)

''No one's ever brought a mascot

to a show before.

''lt's breaking all the rules.''

The... Wow, look at that.

You're not f***ing about tonight, mate,

are you? That's what l like to see.

And you lot looking slightly sad.

''We didn't bring anything at all!''

The, er... There's quite a big man

down the front with a massive beard there,

and for a minute the fella next to him

looked as if to go...

''Could l pass him off as a mascot?''

There was a... There was a...

He's a what?

- (Man) That's my dad.

- That's your dad? He can still be a mascot.

He's clearly not your dad. Look at

the difference between the two of you.

- (Laughter, shocked gasps)

- Ooh, sorry, l didn't... No, shut up!

Shut your bloody faces.

As if l've had DNA run on all of you.

No, that's what l do. Before the show,

l sit up there,

hanging in a big space unit like that,

and l look down, and l have you all tested

on the sly like that.

The ushers, as they come in,

as they're ripping your ticket,

they cheekily swab you like that.

And then l go ''Have a look down there,

there's a very thin lad, very clean shaven,

''and then there's a big burly man next to him

with a massive big beard.

''The two of them are together,

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