Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #9

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they're clearly of no relation.''

The, erm... lt's quite a...

He's what?

You used to be skinny? Don't say it like that.

''l used to be skinny!''

''l...l used to be skinny,

but l'm not any more.''

lt doesn't matter, you look fantastic!

You've made up for it with a big old beard.

Do you know what l mean? You don't...

You don't hark back for the days

when you looked like him?

Look at him, he looks like

a slight gust of wind and he would just...

''Oh...'' And he we would blow away.

lf somebody were to open the doors now,

he would've been blown onto that mascot.

l'm not quite sure what it is,

to be honest with you. lt's some sort...

ls it a timber wolf of some description?

ls it some kind of local...

l haven't been a fool, have l,

and that's a local Canberra wolf?

ls there a special type of wolf

that lives around the hills here,

that comes down and feasts on...

men with beards, l don't know.

The, erm... Oh, sorry, there's some

latecomers coming in.

ln you come there. Welcome along.

Look, they're now gonna try and work out

why l seem to have a little dog

next to me on the stage.

l've become the world's shittest

ventriloquist.

Yeah.

- lt's a...

- (Applause)

lt's a new thing that l'm working on,

you know.

l can't actually do the voice of the wolf,

but l just simply stand here

and occasionally l'll go ''What?''

and pretend that the wolfs

whispering to me.

Yeah. l'm gonna turn him

to face me like that.

The, er... lmagine if l'd just waited

till those latecomers came in

and just stood really still like this,

just going...

''Look, l don't mean to scare you,

''but there's a live wolf onstage.

''And l'd like to do the show,

but unfortunately

''l might be ripped apart, limb from limb.''

lt's a good job we've got

Grizzly Adams down the front, though.

There he is.

Rrrraaaargh!

You'd just leap onto the stage like that,

pulling out some sort of chopper

out of your...

Shut up. The, er, what is it called?

(Man) More of a flop.

- More of a flop?

- A flop.

Oh, l see. Oh, sorry, l thought

when l said pull out your chopper

and you went ''More of a flop,''

l thought, oh...

l thought... No, l meant a bloody axe,

l didn't mean your, you know...

l didn't mean your gentleman's area.

''Pull out me chopper, mate?

No, it'll be more of a flop. Oh, yes.

''That's right.

''l might be a burly man,

l've got a big burly cock as well.

''Look at that.

''l shall leap onto the stage

and allow it to flop out like that.

''Oh, yes.'' You turn to your son and go

''You've got all this to look forward to.

''Oh, yes. l remember when l was

a skinny young lad like you,

''it was more of a reveal,

''but now - phoomph - it's a flop.''

What an amazing way to kill a wolf

that would be.

lmagine that.

There's a hell of a show right there,

before you've even...

before you've even got to the stuff

that l've got to say for meself.

Just all of a sudden,

a live wolf is released onto the stage

and as l'm there,

what the hell's gonna happen?

And then, da-daaa! Ha-ha-haaa!

Phoomph!

Just... (Laughs)

Oh, blimey, you'll be

the toast of the land there.

The... Anyway.

So, what is it? What is the wolf?

- (Man) He was there when l got here.

- He was there when you got here?

You lying bastard.

Yeah. lt's a good job

he didn't say the same thing, isn't it?

''There's a big bearded man, l don't know,

he was just here when l got there.''

You know? ''He just follows me

everywhere l go.

''He's like some kind of future stalker.

l arrive and he's already there.''

Whooo.

That's messed with my head, that has.

The, er...

l'm gonna give him back in a minute, cos l'm

not gonna lie to you, he's freaking me out,

just having a small stuffed dog next to me.

The, er... Do you like the way

that he's just eyeballing you now, like that?

You're actually looking

quite nervous in the front row.

''Get that T-shirt-wearing wolf

away from me.''

Or you're worried that he's gonna get

closer and closer.

lt's like... Oh, sorry, l've just realised,

that you flopping your bits out like that,

like some sort of pornographic

Little Red Riding Hood, isn't it?

The, erm...

''My, Grandma,

that's a big sausage you're eating.''

- (Laughter)

- The... What? Shut your faces.

Just going ''Ah-ha-ha... Oh, no.

''No, we can't stand for that kind of

nonsense, it's bang out of order.''

The... (Laughs) No, that would be terrible,

wouldn't it?

lf he slowly got closer and closer to you

throughout the course of the show

until he was right on top of you.

You wouldn't be scared by the wolf,

it was just him just misdirecting...

(Thud) ''Ohh...

''Oh, no, l've been whacked in the face.''

Why do l keep saying this?

Sorry, l do apologise. My bits are

in a shocking state at the moment.

The... No, what it is, l'm riding around

on my motorbike, right?

Sorry, l should move him

out the way, shouldn't l?

You're going ''No, leave him there.''

No, l'm riding around on me motorbike

between all the gigs,

and l've got all my motorcycle leathers...

Not leathers, they're sort of like, er...

You know, the...

''No, we don't, Ross. What the hell is this?

''Are you in some sort of gimp costume?''

Yes, l am. l zip them on like that.

l'm on a motorcycle, and then there's

another bloke on a bike behind me,

just holding me on a leash like that as l...

l find it's cheaper than having a GPS.

You simply, er... You go,

''Which way do l need to turn?''

And he gives a tug. ''Oh, this way.''

The, er... The, er...

No, but... Cos l'm from England,

and l'm not used to the heat

and the humidity,

and it's a bit odd, it's like,

it doesn't matter where l sweat from,

it all seems to end up down here.

Do you know what l mean? lt's like l've got

secret hidden guttering behind all the...

Do you know? lt just runs...

And subsequently it means

down here it's all a little bit...

erm...

How should l put it?

Well, basically,

if l was to take my trousers off,

it would look like a lava lamp down there.

Just... No, seriously.

lt's just testicles floating around...

in a sort of a...

Seriously! lf l was to put a torch

behind them like that...

it would...it would be like

the start of a Bond film.

lt would just... (To tune of Goldfinger)

# Wah, wah-wah...

- # Wah, wah, wah #

- (Applause)

Thank God you clapped that there.

Going ''Yes, we like that image.''

Could quite easily have been,

''Oh, God, no, make it stop.''

But the most dangerous thing

that l've found about...

No, where did you get...

l'll get back to that in a minute.

Can you remember

the most dangerous thing?

Are you sure? You just looked at me

as if to say ''No, Ross, l can't do that.

''l need to be ever vigilant

against wild animals.

''Wearing T-shirts.''

The, er, kind... What was your name,

my grizzly friend?

- Not telling you.

- You're not telling me your name?

Why not?

(Laughs) Did you hear that?

Somebody up there went ''Ahh.''

''Ahh.

''Ahh, he's not gonna tell him his name.

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