Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #10

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''The whole show's knackered.''

You know, that's never happened to me

in this country before, to be honest with you.

l'll always ask people their names

and they go ''lt's...''

What was that?

One person up there just went...

Like that. As if to go ''lt's never happened

before, good on us Aussies.''

Like...

(Laughs) A single clap like that?

There's some sort of freelance flamenco

dancer up there going ''You know what?

''l've always wanted to

do the flamenco dancing.

''Yes.

''Actually, no, l've changed my mind,

l don't think l will.

''Oh, possibly l will.''

What would be good is if this theatre

was fitted with one of those...

You know those light-clapper things

that they have?

And that was just somebody going,

''lt's a bit dark out here.

''And apparently the place is infested

with wolves.

''l need to turn the lights on.

''Oh, it doesn't seem to be working.''

That'd be a nightmare, wouldn't it,

if you were a flamenco dancer,

and you were working in a bar that had

one of those clapper things on.

Cos you'd be trying to do a bit of a show

and you'd be like ''Ladies and gentlemen,

please will you look at my flamenco!''

And the lights would be going on and off

like that, and you'd be going ''Bloody 'ell!''

Especially if you were an epileptic.

lmagine that.

Be a bloody nightmare, that, wouldn't it?

You'd be like that and the things were...

And then you'd start having a fit,

you'd be like that,

and that would make you clap more,

and you'd be trapped in a flamenco...

And you'd be going ''Stop the lights!''

And the lights would be flashing.

''l can't stop flamencoing.''

And then finally you'd be fine and you'd stop,

and then the audience would go ''That was

brilliant.'' And they'd start clapping.

And the lights would go...

lt's just...constnat.

A constant flamenco loop,

over and over again.

You'll be off and they'll be like...

Yeah. Oh, it'd be shocking. The, erm...

So, er... Ooh, l've knackered

meself out now with the flamen...

They don't half... They don't half go some,

the flamencoists.

They... No, they do that.

They don't just do that.

That's like somebody moshing

who's had some kind of spine problem.

Come on, put more effort into it!

''l can't.

''l've had a metal rod put in me spine.

''l can only judder.''

The, er... ls that a thing they do?

ls that a medical thing,

having a metal rod put in your spine?

Probably not.

Yeah, if l had one in, l'd have it put in,

and then l'd have a bit

come out the top like that

so that l could just jump on

at dodgems and just...

Actually, no, that'd be bad, wouldn't it?

Cos it'd send an electrical thing

right down your spine

and into your arse like that.

And if there's one thing

l find spoils my evening

it's having my arse electrocuted.

(Throaty buzzing)

The, er... Be quite good, though.

You could sellotape a light bulb

to the top of it

and then pretend you were

constantly having brilliant ideas.

Mm.

Mmm.

''l think that would be a foolish idea.''

Yeah, well, nobody asked you, Wolf.

And one more word out of you,

and you're gonna get

Grizzly Adams' bollocks in your face.

''Sorry about that.''

This is really bad, isn't it? The fact that l've

just left him on the stage for so long,

l feel like one of those blokes that works

on one of those fairground rides.

''Come on now, come on now,

''throw some balls, get it in the back there,

''and you'll win one of these

shitty little wolves.''

The, er... No, so where did you get the, er...

(Man) Saw it at a carnival.

- You what?

- At a carnival.

At a carnival! Oh, good work.

lt was an actual carnival win.

Blimey. l can tell, actually,

from the fact that it's...

- (Man) Sh*t?

- Yeah. Yeah.

You... You took the words

right out of me mouth there.

The, er... ls that what Meat Loaf

was singing about when he said

# You took the words right out of my mouth

# l was thinking about

the shitty quality of the wolf

# You won the wolf at a fairground

# And it's clearly gonna burst into flames

# When you give it to a child

# Ohh!

(Mimics guitar chords)

# Took the words right out of... #

''Why aren't you moshing?''

''l can't.

''l've had a metal spine put in me...''

l've had a metal spine put in me rod. Yes.

l've had a metal spine

put in me iron rod.

''ls that a new iron rod

you've got there, Ross?''

Yes, it is. Do you like the way

l've had a spine put in it?

(Laughs) What's that?

Shut your face.

The, er... Before l get Grizzly to do the...

do the... No, it is sh*t, isn't it?

lt's... l mean, this is quite clearly filled

with flammable synthetics.

That would just... A child would be playing

with that, and it would whoomph...

and boomph!

And then just slowly melt...

and possibly melt onto the child

so that when you took your kid down to

the accident and emergency department,

they would have a wolf melted onto them

like some kind of strange woodland

Siamese twins.

Oh, did you see those Siamese twins

that were joined at the face?

''No.'' Thanks for that. That was good.

Bloke down there just went ''No.''

''And l don't wanna hear about them now,

thank you very much.

''lt's one thing hearing about Grizzly Adams

whacking his big burly cock

''in the face of a woodland creature,

but, er...''

Yeah, you'd have trouble, wouldn't you, if it

was the Siamese twins joined at the face.

Where would you whack?

- (Laughter, disgusted groans)

- ''l can't...''

What?

None of the things l talk about tonight

are necessarily gonna come true.

Just relax, it's all in the mind.

lt's fine. ''lt's terrible.

''He had some sort of... He had a meeting

''and he told us all to go out

and annoy Siamese twins.

''We don't even know where to find

Siamese twins.''

Yeah, l'll tell you where - Siam.

You can't move for them over there.

lt's a bloody nightmare,

walking around like this.

Excuse me, can l get through?

No...

''Stop it right now.''

Sorry. So...which fair did you get

this slightly shitty item from?

Was it a local...? Cos there's a big one

coming up, isn't there?

There's a... ls it on Sunday?

How old are you now?

You're like 18 or something, aren't you?

Canberra, what is it?

Seven years old or something?

lt was formed in the '80s, l believe.

ls that right?

Was it... ls it true...

Canberra was started by Kajagoogoo.

About four of you. ''Who the hell are Kaja...''

- No, where was the... lt was what?

- Canberra Show.

The Canberra Show.

And what did you have to do

to win such a highly flammable item?

- lt was that hammer thing.

- The hammer thing?

That could've been anything, couldn't it?

That could've been you

attacking a backpacker.

You know? No.

lt's a popular Aussie tradition.

- You know?

- (Disapproving groans)

Oh, shut your faces.

''Oh, no.

''You can't say that.

''You can't accuse us

of all killing backpackers.''

That's probably what it was, there was

probably a line of backpackers all there,

and some fella, and he had like a hammer,

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