Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #11

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and he said ''Right, then,

if you can kill more than ten in an hour,

''the, erm...

You know. Maybes...

The, er...Milat Mallet, it's called.

Big thing. Er...

(Applause)

Slightly worried that you're all

applauding there.

''Oh, yes, Milat's Mallet,

it's our favourite fairground ride.''

lt's brilliant. First you must entice

the backpackers into the car...

and then pull the mallet out,

whack 'em around the head,

and then you're presented

with a wolf in clothes.

Ah, old Aussie traditions.

- The, er... Oh, it was the strength.

- Yeah.

Oh, the phloong, and you...boomph.

And, er... You could've...

That's right up your street there.

Show the young lad there.

He's all skinny and lithe now

but, oh, yeah, you've got that extra power.

Hey? You could've won one of them

and tormented him with it.

Yeah. The, er...

You could've just dropped your cock on it,

couldn't you?

''There you go.''

Boomph...

ding!

''l'll have two.''

You know what l'm saying? Yeah.

The... l'm so sorry,

this was obviously meant to be

some kind of lovely father and son night out,

and it's ended up with you being some kind

of local Canberra playboy.

The, erm... Brilliant.

And you wo... And boomph.

And so when was the show?

- lt was last year.

- lt was last year?

And you've kept that thing...

l'm surprised it hasn't just slowly

fallen to pieces over the course of the...

Oh, and you've brought it along here

tonight. And did you book that extra seat

- or did somebody not make it?

- Someone not made it.

Somebody didn't make it.

l'm guessing they're an English person

that hitch-hiked here. Am l right?

Yeah. l thought so.

Oh, shut your faces!

The, erm... And so... No, go on, what?

He's the only friend that we've got...

He's the only other person

that wanted a ticket.

Hmm. That...

makes me feel so special.

You ring the people up going ''Ross is on

in town tonight, do you wanna come?''

''l can't l've got to go out killing.''

''Oh, l'm gonna have to take

the highly flammable wolf, then.

''What can l do? My hands are tied.''

''lt's funny you should say that,

cos that's exactly what l'm doing now...''

The, erm... l'll give you him back

cos he can't stay onstage all night, surely.

- Has he got a name?

- Randy Pan.

For... What? Brandy Pants?

- Randy Pan.

- Randy...Pan?

Randy Pan?

ls that some kind of ancient Aboriginal word

for ''shitty item''?

What? Randy Pan?

Where did that come from?

- Ask his parents.

- What?

Ask his parents?

You're really starting to worry me now.

Cos even your girlfriend went ''OK...

''l thought he was bringing it along

as a bit of a mascot situation.

''l didn't realise that it's actually

one of his close friends.''

The, er... Randy Pan?

And it was his parents

that gave him the name.

And were they two slightly larger,

highly flammable items,

ready to destroy a child?

- What?

- A bit like this.

A bit like this? What, you're suggesting

that my massive silver balls

are in some way less than, er, highly safe?

Are you just... You're just sat there

just going

''l like the set he's provided

for us to look at, but...

''l think we might all die.''

Yeah. You should see the finale

of the show. lt's brilliant.

l dance around the stage

just with some lighter fluid

just like that.

And then l tap-dance in flint shoes.

Boom!

Cover your beard, for God's sake!

That's the last thing we want, you running

around with a big beard of flames.

''Aaaah!''

Actually, no, that'd add to the spectacle,

wouldn't it?

lf l was dancing around, surrounded by fire.

# Fire! Doo-doo-doo! #

And then you just ran across the front

like that...

with a beard of flames going across.

(Mimics sound of flames roaring)

Like that.

He starts melting all over the place,

you know, maybes the beard catches,

and you end up some kind of

Siamese wolf-face child.

A wolfs face and then flames

coming out the bottom there.

Like Ghost Rider.

You know how he's got the flaming skull...

No, you don't.

''No, Ross. We've all got lives an' that.''

The, erm... So, no, why didn't you want

to tell me your name before?

- Er, Rick Borden.

- What? Rick Borden.

You see, that's clever what you did,

because you went ''Rick Borden,''

but you actually pointed to the man

whose name you took.

That's... And he went ''What are you doing?''

The first rule of taking an assumed identity

is don't have the bloke you're passing

yourself off as being next to...

''Rick Borden, there he is, that's me.''

Wh... l don't... Surely we're meant to

keep our identities secret?

That's a nightmare if you ever go

into the witness relocation programme.

You're gonna be in deep trouble, aren't you?

''What's your name?''

''Rick Borden. There he is.''

''l don't understand. ls it you or is it me?''

''l don't know. We're Siamese twins.''

''Give us your face.''

The, er... No, it's quite all right,

cos l find, as a rule,

this is the friendliest country on the planet,

l'm quite surprised that you didn't

wanna tell me your name.

l was in a shop earlier on,

and this woman said to me...

l'd bought a magazine

and l was just walking out...

and the woman just went

''Have a great day.''

Have a great day. Not have a nice day.

Everyone else in the world says

''Have a nice day.''

She went ''Have a great day.''

No! That's too much pressure for me.

l can have a nice day... Like, there's

a big difference between nice and great.

There's a leap there, you know.

Like, er, if you're going on your holidays

it would be much better to go and visit

the Nice Wall of China.

Do you know what l mean? lt would just...

Keep up!

''Huh?''

Alexander the Nice. You know, the, er...

The, er... # Goodness gracious,

nice balls of fire! #

But have a great day, and l'm just thinking,

nice day, dead easy, you know -

stroll around a zoo

in lovely comfortable trousers,

maybes looking at monkeys,

hearing the sound of children's laughing,

you know?

A great day would be laughing at children

being attacked by monkeys

in comfortable trousers!

(Mimics monkey shrieking)

(Growling)

''Aaah!''

(Laughs)

That's the difference between a nice day

and a great day right there.

Have a great day. Where am l gonna find

monkeys in trousers?!

And how am l gonna get them riled up

and angry enough to fight with children?

You're putting too much pressure

on me, love.

Just back off. The, er...

But no, it's a fantastically frie...

My wife's Australian. You can't get more

friendly than that, you know?

Sorry, l didn't mean it like that.

''What? l don't understand.

ls he suggesting his wife is a slut?''

No. l'm saying that, er...

No, l'll tell you what it is, right?

The only time that you're not friendly

is on those Give Blood adverts.

Ooh, you're not fond of English blood,

are you, on there?

''You can give blood.

Would you like to give blood?

''You're eligible as long as

you've never been to England.

''Or eaten meat in England!

Or been anywhere near England!

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