Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #12

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''Or even so much as received a postcard

''from anyone that's ever been to England!

''Because their blood is wrong

and diseased!

''Dirty, dirty!

Send them outside of the city wall!''

''Do you want me blood?''

''No, don't look at me!

''You will infect me with your English eyes.''

The, erm...

Yeah. No, my wife, right, we were in, erm...

Where were... Morocco! Right?

We were strolling through Morocco,

and you know when people come up

and ask you where you're from

in those sort of countries,

where they go ''My friend, my friend.

''Where are you from, my friend?''

No. l'm...

l'm getting the feeling that none of you lot

have ever left Canberra.

''No, we don't know, Ross.

''Once a year, the show comes to town...

''We're...

''We're only really interested in foreigners

if we're attacking them with hammers.''

But, er...

Boomph! ''Aaaah!''

''There's a wolf.''

''Thank you.''

No, we were in Morocco, right,

and we were strolling through

the main street, and these...

What is your real name?

- lt's what?

- Peter.

Thanks very much there,

the son helping me out there.

The, er... And what do you do for a living,

Peter, when you're...

- Nothing illegal.

- Nothing illegal?

You're a very defensive man, aren't you?

There was no suggestion of illegal activities,

but straightaway, ''Nothing illegal!

''l've done nothing illegal.

''l haven't done anything wrong, and you can

come to my house and search it,

''you won't find anything!''

lt's all right, l'm not a copper.

The, er... That was great.

He went ''Nothing illegal,''

and your son, l like the way he just patted

you like that, as if to go...

''Oh, Dad.

''l love the way you can say that

with a straight face.

''Your highly illegal activities

are the toast of the area.''

That's the only reason he grew the beard,

to hide the slightly guilty look on his face.

The, er... Combing your hair down like that,

so you're just looking like...

''Nothing illegal.''

(Laughs)

Oh, dear me.

No, go on, what do you do for a job?

You can tell me, we'll have a bit of a chat.

That's great. You really are, like,

you're just going...

''Well... Hmm... Eh... Urgh... Hmm...

''Well... Yeah...''

l'm surprised you didn't just

set fire to your beard and just run off.

''See ya!''

''Wow. He's like some kind of Ghost Rider.''

''l don't know who that is!''

The, er... Look, don't ask him for advice.

He's turning to his son,

going ''What should l say?''

lt's all right, l'm not from Work for the Dole.

l'm not... lt's not like...

This isn't just a big trick that l've laid on.

The, er... ''Right, we'll just ask him

what he does,

''and when he tells us he's signing on

but secretly working at the same time,

''boomph, we've got him.''

No, go on, what do you...?

- No, l can't tell you.

- You can't tell me?

- (Son) Construction.

- (Laughs) That's great.

He went ''Can't tell you.''

And his son went ''Construction!''

That's great. Look at that.

Look at the loyalty involved there.

- (Peter) He's wrong.

- He's what?

- He's wrong.

- He's wrong?

That's great, he went ''He's wrong.''

And he went ''No, l'm not.''

(Peter speaking, indistinct)

- lt's what?

- lt's manufacturing.

You're into manufacturing.

Oooh.

What sort of...

manufacturing?

For construction.

For construction?

Ooh, you're mysterious.

''Manufacture...

''er, for construction.''

And what do you manufacture...

for construction?

Do you mean you manufacture stuff

that is used in the construction industry,

or do you mean you manufacture something

that is then constructed?

Possibly by Chinese kids.

(Laughter, shocked gasps)

What?

lt's not me setting up sweatshops

on the outskirts of Canberra.

They're going ''Ha-ha... Ohhh.

Chinese children?''

No, what do you...?

- Ducts.

- Ducks?

- Ducts.

- Oh, ducts!

Like... Somebody went ''What?''

''Duck?'' That'd be good, if all of a sudden

l was hit in the side of the head...

Boomph! What the hell?

''l told you to duck, but you wouldn't listen,

would you?''

Grrrr!

The, erm...

Ducts. Those big silver...

The big silver things

that Tom Cruise sneaks through.

(# Hums theme from Mission: lmpossible)

No.

You don't know. Tom Cruise could

sneak through a number of things.

You know. Oh, that sounded wrong.

Just not vaginas apparently. So, er...

- (Laughter and applause)

- The... What? l'm just say... l don't...

You know? What?

l don't know. lt's only rumours.

The, er... Ducts.

Are they silver, are they...?

(Laughs) This is great. This could have

been a two-minute conversation.

l just went ''What is...''

And he just went... (Sighs angrily)

l hope this isn't what you do

when you're pitching to potential buyers.

''Right, then, we've got a sales meeting.

''Would you like to tell us

about your product?''

''Ahh... Err...

''Oh, f***. lt's, erm...

''Well, it's construction...things,

''and it's like ducts and that,

''and if you want them, buy them.

lf you don't, then, you know.

''Do you wanna see me cock?

Look, there's me cock, look at that.

''lt's a...

''lt's a beauty, isn't it?

''l tell you what, you might not think

it looks like much now,

''but it won me this wolf. Look at this wolf!

l won a wolf!''

The... No, go on. What's the...

(Peter) lt's cable ducting.

- Cable ducting!

- ln offices.

ln offices. l... Oh!

lt's silver, though, isn't it? lt is...

lt's what? Skirting?

lsn't it... lsn't that conduit?

No, it's much fancier than that.

lt's much fancier than conduit?

lt could be.

So it's like conduit, but la-di-dah conduit?

That's what you should have on your slogan.

lt should say... Right, it should say

''Big beardy Peter...

''la-di-dah conduit.''

l can see it on the side of a van.

On a business card.

Tattooed on your huge testicles.

''Beardy Peter, la-di-dah conduit

for all your la-di-dah conduit needs.''

Wandering onto a construction site,

''Mm, l see the wiring along here.

Were you planning on using conduit?''

''Yes, we were.''

''Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

''l laugh in your face.

''You need my la-di-dah ducts. Yes.

''Would you like a vol-au-vent?''

One of the most la-di-dah foods

ever invented.

People only eat vol-au-vents

when they're being la-di-dah, don't they?

Nobody comes home and goes ''Bloody 'ell,

l'm starving. Got any vol-au-vents?''

You know?

You don't see construction workers

opening up their packed lunches and that,

going ''Ooh, what's me missus

put in here tod... Ooh, vol-au-vents!''

No, the only time vol-au-vents

are ever eaten

is off trays held like this.

''Would you like a vol-au-vent?''

''l don't mind if l do.

''Mmm. Ooh, yes.

''Let's put some la-di-dah conduit

down there.''

The, erm... Vol-au-vents!

That's... The French have got

a lot to answer for.

Vol-au-vents.

The, er... You know what

vol-au-vent stands for?

lt's French for ''inadequate pie''.

Yeah.

Vol-au-vent.

There's the invol-au-vent, which is, er...

where you involuntarily

put chicken into pastry.

(Straining)

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