Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #13

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l don't want to! Why am l doing this?

''Ooh, he's making an involuntary-vent.''

l said that and even l don't understand it.

You're going ''What? That doesn't

strictly speaking making sense.

''lt's funny, but it doesn't make sense.''

Welcome to my life.

Erm, anyway, what was l talking about?

- l was talking... What?

- (Woman) Morocco.

Morocco! Thank you very much.

Thank you. ''Morocco!''

Sorry, l forgot to warn you at the start,

if haven't seen me before,

there will be tangents.

The, er...

''Yeah, bloody right. The first 20 minutes of

the show was you bloody talking to a wolf.

''Weren't expecting that, some sort of

Man From Snowy River, live.''

# There's a river, and it's snowy

# There's a wolf and he's sitting right here

# He's my friend, he's my only friend

Boom! # Now he's killed

by a bearded man's cock

- # Oh, l'm the man from Snowy... #

- (Applause)

Sorry.

Oh, dear. You'll never be able to watch

a nature documentary ever again.

The next time they go ''And the wolves are

walking across the woodland

''trying to find...''

''Oh, God, no. Check the woods

for bearded men.''

(Whistling melody)

''Come here!''

Ohhh, we could make a remake

of Dances With Wolves.

Eh?

You playing Kevin Costner,

pants round your ankles.

# Da-daaa #

Staggering around.

All the lndians looking on,

going ''What the hell's he doing?

''Put it away, Peter.''

Peter And The Wolf! Eh?

(Hums melody)

Oh, yes. The, er...

Who was it did Peter And The Wolf?

lt was, er... You know, the...

- (Hums melody)

- (Man calls out, indistinct)

- Who?

- (Woman) Prokofiev.

- Was it Tchaikovsky?

- (Several people) Prokofiev.

Prokofiev. Ooh, that's gotta be the most

la-di-dah heckle l've ever heard in my life.

Tchaikovsky... ''lt was Prokofiev!''

l love the fact that that said in an Aussie

accent just makes all the difference.

(Australian accent)

''lt was f***in' Prokofiev!''

(Laughter and applause)

''Aww, for f***'s sake!

What the f*** you f***in' talkin' about?

''F***in' Tchaikovsky.

''Oi! Tchaikovsky? Ahh, f***in' idiot!

''l think you'll find it was Prokofiev.

''Vol-au-vent?''

''l don't mind if l do.''

Oh, dear. Anyway, the...

The...

Oh, l like you lot.

There's a... No, that's what

l was telling you about.

l was in Morocco, and, er...

''Yes, you were!

''You were in Morocco!

How long is it gonna take you

''to tell us about Morocco?''

We got plenty time, you know?

The, er... ''But the Sunday celebrations!

''Canberra's nearly three years old!

''Four years ago, this was just a car park.''

lt's amazing what you can do

with some shovels and a bit of false turf.

So, the...

The point is, l was in Morocco, right,

and we were walking

through the main street,

and l was with my wife, who's an Aussie,

and the little kids come up to you and go

''My friend, where are you from?''

And l can't be arsed with them,

so l always say that l'm from places

from the Star Wars films, you know, just...

No, cos they've learned an expression

from every country

but they, you know...

you throw them a curve ball, you go...

''l'm from Alderaan.''

''Huh?''

Er, you know, what they don't know is...

Alderaan was actually destroyed, but...

The, er...

And don't say Hoth, cos one of them might

go ''But, my friend, that is an ice planet

''and uninhabitable.''

And that can lead to problems.

But anyway, the point is...

this little kid came up, right, and he went

''My friend, my friend,

''where are you from, my friend?'' Right?

And my wife turns round and she just goes...

''Australia.'' Right?

And this kid, what they normally do

is they come out like with England, they go

''God bless the Queen! Fish and chips!

''Lovely jubbly!'' You know,

some sort of English thing, right?

But this kid, he did an absolute belter, right?

He turned round, and she went ''Australia.''

And this kid came out with an expression,

could have been anything,

could have been ''G'day, mate,''

could have been ''Shrimp on the barbie,''

could have been ''Crikey,'' anything, right?

Any, you know, ''Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!''

And no. You know what he came out with?

l thought ''You little genius,'' right?

''My friend, where are you from?''

''Australia.'' And this is what he said.

''Australia?

''A dingo ate my baby!''

(Laughter and applause)

''A dingo ate my baby.'' l was pissin' meself.

l was laughing so much

that he kept repeating it.

''A dingo ate my baby! A dingo ate my baby!

''A dingo ate my baby!''

lt was like he was doing a little song.

# A dingo ate my baby

# Dingo ate my baby

# A dingo ate my baby #

The, erm... The, er...

lt's a good job Peter wasn't around,

cos as he went to grab the...

Boomph. ''Aaah!''

''That's not a wolf.''

The...

No, but the thing was,

l've taught him a new one now, right?

So if you're in Morocco, and this was me,

this was me that did this one, right?

lf you're in Morocco and a little kid comes up

to you and goes ''My friend, my friend,

''where are you from?''

lf you now turn to him and go ''Australia,''

he'll go ''Free Schapelle Corby!''

Oh, she's an idiot, isn't she?

Ohhh.

Just...

(Applause)

Why is it that all Australians locked up

in foreign prisons

sound like 1960s Motown acts?

No, seriously, next time

you're watching the news, listen.

''And now Schapelle Corby

and the Bali Nine.''

# Sha la la la

# Ooh oo-ooh

# Sha la la la

# Ooh oo-ooh #

lt's quite hard to do that

when you're behind bars, isn't it?

You sort of go ''Dk, dk, dk, dk, dk.''

You have to do more of this dance

so you can go through the bars.

Some of you not really sure now, are you?

''Yeah, they might be

convicted drug dealers,

''but they're our convicted drug dealers.''

The... l nearly got stopped meself.

l always have trouble at customs.

There's been two incidents recently.

One, l was in Dubai, right, coming through...

Cos basically when you look like me

and you get off the plane,

and granted l was in the fancy end,

and l got off first, and the bloke obviously

went ''Ooh, he's clearly a drug dealer.''

You know, l might as well have had a

T-shirt on, going ''l love Schapelle Corby.''

And l got off the plane,

and this customs officer...

And if you get caught over there,

chop your head off, right?

Fella goes to me, he goes ''You, my friend.

''Come. Come with me.''

And l went ''What? Eh, what?''

''Come in here.''

l was standing in this little room like that.

And l learnt a very important lesson.

Don't take the piss out of customs officers.

Right?

lf there's one thing

l can pass on to you, right.

He turns to me, right,

and he goes ''You take drugs?''

l went ''Not really.'' The answer's no, right?

No.

l don't take drugs, never have done.

l know it's difficult to believe,

but l've never... l don't bother.

But you know, ''Not really... l mean no.

No. l don't.'' Right?

And he goes, and this... He went...

''Take your clothes off.''

He was gonna do the full strip-search.

He went ''Take your clothes off.''

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