Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #14

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The correct response to that is

''Certainly, officer,'' take your clothes off,

and let him do what he needs to do.

Don't do this. ''Take your clothes off.''

''Ooh, buy me a drink first!''

Right? Don't say it.

Don't do it. lt's not worth it.

Cos there's no one there to laugh,

that was the thing.

He's not gonna find that funny, you know?

And l took me clothes off,

and all the time l'm...

You know, and l didn't... And l was nerv...

l've not really been naked in close proximity

with another man in a kiosk...

A cubicle, not a kiosk. Obviously that's...

The, er...

lt was weird, he was strip-searching me

and selling ice creams at the same time.

What... What are you doing?

The, er...

lf he says ''Pass me the nuts,'' l'll punch him.

The, erm...

There was a lot of kids

getting freaked out that day.

''Mummy, can l have a...''

No, a cubicle, that's what it was, not a kiosk.

And l... So l go into this cubicle

and he says ''Take your clothes off.''

So l took me clothes off.

And you don't wanna say something like...

''Are you gonna get yours off as well

so l don't feel self-conscious?''

You don't wanna hear him going

''Do you mind if l dim the lights?''

You don't want that.

Starts lighting a few scented candles.

So l'm there, naked, in front of this fella,

and l was so nervous... l don't get nervous,

l've not really ever been a nervous person,

but this is the first time in my life

that l genuinely...

My heart started going, l was going

''Oh, God. This could end badly, this.''

And l'm nude, and l'm trying to be relaxed

whilst being nude, you know,

in the presence of a uniformed man,

and, er...

You know.

l felt like jumping up and going ''Come on,

''let's pretend it's the end of

Officer And A Gentleman, come on.''

l didn't, no. And l tried to look relaxed,

but it didn't matter how relaxed

l tried to look,

standing nude in a cubicle,

it just looked camp, it just didn't...

lt...

Ju...

lt's... l even went for one of them

at one point.

l thought ''That's not right, is it?''

(Laughs) Hello.

The... And so l'm stood there like that.

lt was like l was in a disco in the '80s.

l was trying...

And he said to me, he went...

''My friend, can you move...your...''

Honestly. He wanted me

to move me bits to the side

so he could check me undercarriage

for contraband.

That's not the words he used.

''Can you move your bits so l can check

your undercarriage for contraband?''

And don't try using that

as a chat-up line either.

''All right there? Any chance of moving your

bits so l can check your undercarriage

''for contraband?''

''l'll call the police. Get away.''

So...he did, he said ''Move your bits

so l can check your...''

Now, l was so nervous in this situation

l didn't realise that he meant

l could use my hands.

Why would you?

So l'm stood there doing this.

l'm using Jedi mind control.

l thought ''ls it wrong to give 'em a flick?

ls it wrong?''

You know. ''My friend, l saw you

use your hips to flick it to the side.''

At one point, l thought why don't l just pull

one of my hairs out,

tie it off, take it round the back,

tie it to me arse hairs,

and then just clench me buttocks

so that it just...

''Oh, my God!

How the hell are you doing it?

''l've never seen anything... Quickly, quickly!

''He is like David Copperfield!''

# Doo-duh, doo-duh

# Doo-duh-duh duh-duh doo-doo

# Doo, doo-duh #

And l ended up with a six-week residency.

Roll up, roll up!

And the other time, just recently

l was in New Zealand, right,

and l swear to God, the interval's on its way,

l can some of you just going

''lf we don't have an interval soon...

''we're gonna rupture our insides.''

Don't worry. l know when it's time

for the interval,

cos l can see the piss rising in your eyes.

You'll know when it's time to go

cos you'll be watching the show in sepia.

Er... Yeah.

lt'll be like the start of Sons And Daughters.

Look at that. That always sorts out

the people who don't work for a living.

(Laughs) ''That's a good one, that, yeah.''

The, er... No, l went to New Zealand,

and l went to...

Well, it started at passport control,

that was the, er...

Not passport control,

that's where it ended up.

lt started at the, erm, the check-in bit, right?

l put my suitcase on,

and l had my handbag, right?

Not a handbag. Like luggage, hand luggage.

lt wasn't a handbag.

lt was a man's bag.

lt was a gentleman's leather satchel

if you must know.

lt wasn't a handbag.

The, er...

Mind you, l was wearing stilettos

and a boob tube, so, you know,

it might as well have been.

l wasn't. l made that up. But...

So l had me hand luggage there,

but l also had my motorcycle helmet

because l was gonna hire a bike

in New Zealand.

And l said to the woman, ''There's me case,

l've got me hand luggage,

''and l've got this motorcycle

helmet, thanks very much.''

And l was about to walk off

and she went ''Ah! One bag!''

And l went ''What?''

And she went ''One carry-on bag only.''

And l went ''That's me bag,

that's just a helmet, motorcycle helmet,

''doesn't weigh much, not gonna take up

much room, we'll overlook that one.''

And l went to walk... ''Ah! One...bag!''

And l was a bit stumped,

cos my case had already gone,

so l couldn't put it in there, l couldn't leave it

cos l needed it in New Zealand,

it wouldn't fit in the bag,

and l didn't know what to do,

and l just half-jokingly said...

''Can l wear it?''

And you know what she said?

''Yeah.''

She said l could wear my hel...

l said ''Are you serious?''

She went ''Well, it's sort of a hat, isn't it?''

So l put me motorcycle helmet on,

in the airport,

and walked through to the customs area

like this

with a helmet on.

But l'm so used to wearing it

on my motorbike,

l fastened it up.

l fastened my helmet up.

Safety first!

What l should've done was,

l should've put it on, fastened it,

flipped me visor down

and gone ''Waaaaaah!''

You can't have people wa...

ln this day and age, with terrorism,

you can't have people wearing helmets.

l looked like the most obvious terrorist

you've ever seen in your life.

lt's like l was getting on the plane going

''That's right, my friend!

''l am going to hijack the plane

and crash it into the side of a building!

''But l will be fine.''

lt's ridiculous.

And then l get to New Zealand,

and the woman at passport control...

And normally l have a bit of a laugh

at passport control

because l've got my passport, and you're

not allowed to smile in your photo,

you have to be serious,

so what l did was l gelled my hair up

and l went...

Cos that's not a smile, that's a frown, that.

And what l do, right, is l walk up,

and l hand over my passport, right,

and they look down like that,

and just before they look up, l do this...

And they go ''Ah, yeah, that's you.''

And l go...

Well, sadly, the woman in New Zealand

didn't find that quite as funny

as she might have done.

She looked at my passport,

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