Ross Noble: Fizzy Logic Page #15

---

and she looked at my occupation,

cos you've got to fill in your occupation,

said ''comedian'', right?

Usually, that's enough.

And she looks at it, and she looks up,

and she goes...

''Comedian?'' And l'm like that.

''Yeah.''

And l couldn't believe this,

the cheek of this woman, she went...

''Tell me a joke.''

(He groans)

l thought, ''You're opening a can of worms

here, love, to be honest.''

An hour later, she's there going,

''Oh, is there any chance of an interval?

''Could l just... Just a little.''

And ''Blah, blah, blah.''

And l said ''Well, not really, not here now,

''l'm not gonna, you know, with the...

''You should come and see the show.''

Right? And you know what she said?

She went...

''How much are the tickets?

l said ''l don't know. l get in for free.''

You know?

lt's one of the perks of the job.

She went ''Tell me a joke!''

l'm going ''Are you serious?

You still want me to tell you a joke?''

She went ''Tell me a joke.''

l thought, ''This is a nightmare.''

Does she make everyone that comes into

New Zealand prove what they do?

l wish l'd written camel trainer.

You know? ''Go on, then, train me a camel.''

''All right, then.''

Sha-la-la-laaar!

Heqta! Khey! Khey!

Kh-kaaa!

Camels dancing round the airport like that.

''Bloody hell, he does train camels well,

doesn't he?''

The, er... l was in a cab yesterday,

and l said to the cab driver,

he went ''This isn't my normal job.''

And l said ''What's your normal job?''

And what he was trying to say...

Like, he was Russian or something. And he

was trying to say ''l teach horses dressage.''

But he couldn't... He didn't know the word.

l said ''What's your normal job?''

And he went...

''l make horses do unusual movements.''

What the hell is that?

Whack 'em with a bit of bamboo?

Just get the blacksmith

to put springy shoes on them.

''Blimey, that whore's... That horse is doing

an unusual movement.''

l just said ''That whore's

doing an unusual...''

Oh, dear. No, that's what they should do

to cut down on streetwalkers,

they should force them

to have springy shoes on.

Just an idea. The, er...

l didn't know whether he meant

movements as in...

You know. l don't know how you do that.

Feed them different types of food and stuff.

That'd be a horse whisperer, wouldn't it?

lf he whispered a shape

and the horse could actually do it.

Do you know what l mean? Just...

(Whispering) Do one that comes out

the shape of an Oscar.

Whoomph. ''Blimey,

that's an unusual movement.''

''l'd like to thank my family,

like to thank God...''

Eurgh.

Anyway, so this woman's going

''Tell me a joke!''

And l was racking my brains and

so l thought ''l'll just see what comes out.''

(Whispering) Not a good idea.

Said, er...

''How many customs officers does it take

to change a light bulb?''

Now, with hindsight, l should have learned

from the strip-search experience in Dubai.

But l didn't.

And she looked at me and she went

''l don't know.

''How many customs officers

does it take to change a light bulb?''

Well, l don't know either,

l was just winging it.

And l was quite pleased

with what l came out...

Well, l'm pleased with

what l came up with now.

At the time, not so much.

And this is what l said, l went...

She went ''Tell me a joke!''

''How many customs officers

does it take to change a light bulb?''

She said ''l don't know.''

''How many customs officers

does it take to change a light bulb?''

To which l said...

''l don't know either, but it must be

difficult to change light bulbs

''when you've got your hand

up someone's arse.''

Boomph!

(Mimics crowd roaring)

And l'm pleased to inform you that l am free

of prostate cancer, so that's all good.

Anyway, listen, go and have an interval,

do what you have to do,

use the toilet, win a wolf,

l'll see you back here in 15 minutes' time.

- (Cheering)

- (# Heavy rock)

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes