Ross Noble: Randomist
- Year:
- 2006
- 38 Views
(Eerie, echoing music)
(Applause and cheering)
(Cheering and applause)
- Thank you very much! Hello!
- (Applause)
Thank you very much! Hello!
- (Applause)
- Whoo-hoo!
Hell-o-o-o-o, hello, hello!
Hello, there! Hi! You lovely lot.
How are you all? Well?
Ya-a-a-a-ay! Excellent stuff there!
How are you lads there?
Desperately trying to get to your seats
without anyone noticing!
Sorry, l said lads, it's a bloke and a woman.
Fantastic!
What a great way to start a show that is!
How are you, sir,
and your incredibly butch girlfriend?
That's all l can say.
Sorry, she's not, l'm sure.
Look at that, haven't even opened me mouth
and l've already offended him!
That's great. Sorry, you're not.
You're a very fine-looking lady.
l'm not trying to pull her, l'm just saying...
You're late. l thought l'd try and dig myself
out of the hole l'd created.
And an excellent fringe, might l add?
Well done!
Cos some people have the hair
and then like a bit of a fringe,
but you've fully committed, haven't you?
You've got fringe! There's no...
There's no kind of gentle kind of...
There's no, like, oh, bit of a hairline.
FRlNGE!
When you first came in there, l actually
thought you were wearing a helmet.
You know what l mean? l thought, ''Brilliant.
''Somebody's decided to bring along
some kind of human cannonball lass.''
Wouldn't that be brilliant
if l'd laid that on as a big start to the show?
lt was amazing,
he came out, he said hello to everyone
and then he actually pushed on a cannon.
And some lass who'd fashioned her hair
into a cannon shape,
she just stood up and went,
''Can l have a go, Ross?'' lt was brilliant!
And she walked... There's a fella
down the front covering his eyes!
Thank God that's with laughter.
He's just going,
''Sh*t, l'd better get myself ready!''
''How many shows have l been to where
lasses have been fired from the stage?
''Oh, why, only last week, l had a tiny woman
fired directly into me eye!
''lt was a bloody nightmare! l had to have
corrective laser eye surgery done.''
''Excuse me, l appear to have
a lass trapped in my face.''
The...er... Just her legs kicking out like that!
''Bloody hell, l've got a lass in me eye!''
lt wouldn't be the actual pain of having her
in the eye, it would be all the gel off the hair
that had got in and was just running down.
Still... Are your eyes all right, mate?
You seem to have worn some sort of
hooded top this evening. Well done.
Are you a proper hoodie or are you... No?
You're just a little bit nippy! Fair enough.
That's us. l love this weather.
l love watching hoodies.
They're not quite sure.
They wanna put their hoods up for warmth.
At the same time, they know if they put it up,
they'll be instantly arrested.
They're just there going,
''Aw, sh*t, what do l do? Yahhh!''
Of course, what she's cleverly done
is work the hood into a...
- (Laughter)
- ..into an actual...
(Applause)
That's what they should do!
Hoodies spend all their time, ''Oh, we can't
wear our hoods in the Metro Centre.
''We're not allowed to wear our hoods.''
Simply grow your hair like mine,
then just gel it all forward
into a big hood situation.
Mebbes even these bits,
grow your sideburns
and have them kind of like
the pulley bits there!
Sort of... You could even put toggles on
if you wanted.
The... You'd look like one of those rabbis,
you know, with the curly... The, er, whoo!
l'm not suggesting rabbis pull on their...
That would be brilliant, wouldn't it?
lf you just saw a rabbi just walking along
the street like that, all holy and religious,
and then he just turned and, when no one
was looking, he just - pouf - like that.
And his thing goes, wey-hey, like that
and he goes whoo-hoo!
Wey-hey!
And mebbes that - fumph - and then all just
religious scripture came out the top like that.
He'd go fumph, wey-hey, rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Walking around dispensing
religious scripture to everyone he sees.
''Would you like some scripture?''
Pumph, weeeeeeeee!
''My work here is done.''
And then off he goes into the night.
You're not a rabbi, are you? A casual rabbi?
What's your name, my friend?
Steven. Excellent stuff. And it's quite...
That must be new. lt's very...
lt is... Well, l would've gone so far as clean
rather than shiny.
But...er...does it shine, as well?
That'd be great if we turned the lights off
and you were just - # Ah-haaaaaa #
Just moving around there. Hello. Welcome.
l'm sorry if you were expecting to be fired
out of a cannon. lt's already been done.
The job's already been taken.
What can l say?
- Wow, look at your big frizzy hair, mate!
- (Laughter)
Nice work!
That's almost like the venue provided me
with a stunt double, know what l mean?
They just went,
''What happens if he falls over
''in some kind... Some kind of
horrible incident during the show...
''Don't worry, we'll send an equally
frizzy-haired man down the front there
''and he can just jump in...''
You don't have to.
The look of panic on your face there!
Just went, ''Oh, sh*t, l don't feel l'm qualified
for such a thing!''
l'm surprised you didn't go,
''l will, l'm shiny, l'm shiny!
''Look at me shine for everyone's pleasure!''
For everyone's pleasure?
That sounded wrong.
Like people were just poking you with sticks.
''Go on, shine, shine!''
''l don't want...''
''He's brilliant, he shines, he's brilliant!
''Ohhhhh, he's fantastic! lf there was
a power cut, oh, you'd know about it.''
So, anyway, you're very welcome,
my frizzy friend. Hi.
You're looking very timid
and slightly worried.
Don't be worried, everything's fine.
We've all got together, we've already met.
ln fact, just before you walked in,
we were all in a big Jacuzzi rolling around.
Yeah, it was a bloody nightmare. There was
a lass fired herself out of a cannon.
Yeah, it was great. This poor lad here,
he had a bit of an eye wash.
Just a bit of a... Just like that
cos it was getting in his eye.
- l'll f*** off, then.
- (Roar of laughter)
(Ross laughs)
That was great. Your face was just like that.
''Please leave me alone.
''l don't wanna get involved.''
Yeah, what were you up to? Were you out
sampling the joys of the city centre there?
There was a horse at the Monument
earlier on!
What's going on with that? l was walking...
You expect Christmas...
There's some sort of weird tent village,
as well, that's cropped up.
ls there some sort of refugee camp
turned up?
Just arts and crafts out of tents? lt's weird.
lt's like the gayest circus
l've ever seen in me life.
- Arts and crafts and then just a horse...
- (Laughter)
Just... Some of you aren't really sure,
are you?
Going, ''He's making that up, that's bollocks.
''l mean, the bit about the cannon,
that's true, yes,
''cos l do know a lot of shows
fire people into the audience,
''but, quite frankly,
a horse at the Monument?''
lt was next to the Monument,
it wasn't up the Monument.
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"Ross Noble: Randomist" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/ross_noble:_randomist_17176>.
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