Ross Noble: Randomist Page #2

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That'd be a helluva Christmas exhibition,

wouldn't it?

They just open the little door

and push a horse right up to the very top.

Mebbes chuck it off like they do in Spain!

ls that Spain they do that? Chucking horses

off balconies? Welcome along.

Was it the horse?

Could you not help yourself?

What a nightmare! You've got to the front

and some bastard's nicked your seat!

No, no, it's all right, it's fine.

ls it in the front... Oh, yeah.

- Probably one of them empty ones.

- (Roar of laughter)

Oh, he was like Hercule Poirot there,

weren't you?

He was just going, ''Mm, where will it be?''

Probably not the ones people are sitting in.

That'd be hilarious

if all you heard at the back was,

''Hey, get out of me seat, you shiny bastard!''

''Sorry.''

He just about... ''Excuse me, l think you've

got...'' ''l don't think l have.'' Pull...woomph!

(Laughter)

That was his hood coming up there,

by the way.

l'm not suggesting you've all of a sudden

become a rabbi.

Some of this might not make

too much sense to you.

''What's that about? You pull a thing and you

instantly become a rabbi? That's a bit odd.''

You've got a bit of a rabbi-style hat on.

Lend us your hat for a second.

Can l just borrow it? Ooh, f***!

Thanks, mate. Thank God you were here.

Jesus Christ.

That hat just lost it there. You just chucked

and it was like you went, ''l'm gonna do this.''

(Laughter)

Pouf...straight off.

Helmet girl quickly putting her visor down!

Poooo!

Give us a second, hang on.

(Laughter and applause)

- Shalom!

- (Applause)

Shalom, my friends!

There we go. l'll give you that back. l might

do the rest of the show with the hat on!

Just to be...weird.

No, l'll just... You ready?

Oh, sorry, l don't know

what happened there!

(Laughs) l'll give you that back there.

Nice work.

So anyway... Sorry, l just noticed

you lot up there. l do apologise.

l was looking... l've got to apologise to you.

Just before l came on,

l dunno if anyone saw, l checked me flies

and then l was aware of a few faces

just looking at me like that.

l wanted to give it the big rock 'n' roll

and l was just there

and l was aware that l was just standing,

you lot looking...

- (Laughter)

- You know.

l was rubbing myself

a little bit like a sex criminal, just...

''Oh, is that how he gets ready

before a show?

''He just stands in the wings

just rubbing himself like that.''

l'd better stop doing that. You might have

noticed, l've got a few cameras in tonight.

- Just film me just doing that!

- (Laughter)

They... l can't help myself.

l see a camera, l just wey-hey!

They... Well, not that, obviously.

Be a nightmare outside Dixons' window,

wouldn't it?

''What the hell's he doing?''

(Laughs lasciviously)

ln fact, l was up in Edinburgh.

We were just up in Edinburgh last week

and l did such...

Oh, l couldn't help meself. There was...

You know sometimes

you see the local news cameramen

and they're sort of filming just stock footage

of things and we were up there, right?

You know on the news when they go,

''Obesity reaches ridiculous proportions''

and there's just pictures of fat people from

there to there, just walking along the street.

The other one is when they have somebody

stuffing their face with a biscuit.

l think, ''You poor bastard'' sitting at home

just turning the news on.

''Fat people...'' Gahhhhhh!

''Turn it off, turn it off.''

l was up in Edinburgh and there was...

and Edinburgh Castle was there

and these, like, local news guys

filming the castle there.

And l saw it and l was walking along

and l was a bit bored, right,

so what l did was...

The cameras were there, the castle's there.

l just went like that past the camera

just for a bit of a laugh, you know.

l just thought, ''Blend in, they might not see

and l might make it onto the local news.''

So l just give it a bit of that...

just past the camera.

A young lad was standing there with his bag

on his shoulder looking at me at a bus stop.

l kept doing that. Then l stopped and l went,

''Ooh, that was fun, l think l'll do that again.''

So l did another sweep,

but this time l went for it a bit more.

l did a bit of that.

(Laughter)

You know, l thought why not? Start off

a little bit, those fellas hadn't noticed.

So l turned round..

l got a right taste for it and l turned round

and l went for it big style, right?

Me third run, l went nuts for it, right?

l turned round like that and this lad,

he had his bag on his shoulder like that

and l went, ''Whoo-oooooooooooooh!''

Like a proper mental run, right?

Waaaaah! And like the thing...

This kid, he had his bag on his shoulder

looking at me like that

and l've come towards him - ''Gaaaaaaah!''

And he took his bag off his shoulder

and held it in front of him and l went,

''Oh, God, he thinks l'm a proper mental''

and l come running at him like this -

wheeeeeeee! -

and l stopped right in front of him.

You know what he did?

He held out his bag and went,

''Excuse me, Ross, can you sign this?''

- (Laughter)

- For f***'s sake!

He didn't even ask me why l was going,

''Whoooooo-ooooooh!''

He just went, ''Oh, there he is,

running around like a twat.''

lt'd be quite good if l'd just gone ''Woooh!''

and he'd gone fumph! And it went fumph!

And then he'd covered himself. Obviously,

not converted to the ways of the rabbi.

The ways of the rabbi!

Make a good action film, that.

The... Sorry, what was your name again,

my ''fumph'' hoodie-raise friend? What?

Steven. What do you do for a living, Steven,

when you're not pretending to be

a bogus rabbi,

conning pensioners out of their savings?

Shalom, shalom.

''Oh, there's a hundred pounds.''

- Work in a bar.

- You work in a bar. What bar?

- The Three Bulls.

- Three Bulls.

Oh, that's the one near the bridge, is it?

Yes, yes, that's...

Sure? Oh, look, she's off now. She's going,

''l got short-changed in there once.''

Are you all right? Oh, hello.

l've met you before, haven't l?

Are you a fan of The Three Bulls?

- (Woman) l was just asking where it was.

- You were asking where it was?

Probably some of the information

in the show isn't particularly relevant

to the rest of the evening.

That'd be good if at the end, l went,

''And there is a general knowledge quiz.''

The first... The first question is,

''Take me to The Three Bulls''.

You'd go,

''Do you mean the pub The Three Bulls

''or do you mean

take me to three actual bulls?''

lmagine that, if just as you'd got to your seat,

just as you went, ''All right, we're fine there.

''Have a lovely sit down.

l know we're a bit late, but it'll be fine.''

Right, take me to find three bulls!

''Oh, for f***'s sake!''

l can tell you where one horse is.

lt's up the top of the Monument there.

Look, can you see it?

You're still looking a bit panicked there, my

frizzy friend. What do you do, frizzy man?

What? College.

All right, what do you do at college?

What? Art and design.

Oh, brilliant. And what sort of stuff

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