Ross Noble: Randomist Page #3

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have you been designing of late?

Hair ties mainly, is it that sort of...

New super-strength ones that you...

fumph and yaaaah!

Uhhh! Clamp you to the chair like that.

''There'll be no frizz from me!''

What?

What?

Still-life drawing. All right, fair enough.

lf it moves, is it too hard?

(Laughter)

Like one of those naked...

You know, one of those nude...?

That's life drawing, isn't it?

So still life is when it...

Unless you've got, like, somebody... like

a life model who had Parkinson's disease.

(Shocked laughter)

Oh, shut your faces! Look at you! How...

''Oh, no, that's wrong.

Oh, you can't make jokes like that.''

Yes, l can. ''Oh, that's not right.''

Sorry, l will do that. l'll just warn you, right?

l might go too far

during the course of the show, right?

That's just what l do now and again.

l go, ''Waa-haa-haaa!

''Oh, l said that out loud.''

My best one, right,

the best one was a belter, right?

lt was... l did a radio interview

just after Live 8 was on the telly, right?

The documentary about...

lt was an absolute...

You know when you say something

and people are just shaking their heads.

''You've gone too far, Ross.''

lt was brilliant, right?

Did you see the Live 8 doc? How many

people saw the Live 8 documentary?

- (Laughter)

- Whoa, feel the generosity in the room!

- F*** 'em!

- (Roar of laughter)

(Laughter and applause)

Four people saw the Live 8 documentary!

That's great, that. Not a single text message

came in from Newcastle at all.

Just... Some little starving African kid

just sat there in the desert like that.

'''Scuse me, will you accept

a reverse charges call from the...?''

(Geordie accent) ''l've never even

used a telephone.''

''Have you not? You've got a little bit

of an odd accent for an African kid.''

''Oh, yes, well, originally

l'm from Cramlington.''

(Laughter and applause)

Oh, yeah.

They bussed a lot of starving kids out there

for some reason.

lt was some kind of administrative mix-up

on the part of Northumbrian County Council.

Do... l've gone too far again there!

''Oh, no,'' they're saying... Or are you all

just going, ''Oh, bloody Cramlington!''

No, so what happened was, right,

there was this documentary

and all the pop stars were there, right,

all the...

Geldof, obviously, and Midge Ure,

although he was at the back

and...er...and Bono, as well.

(Angrily) Bono!

When's somebody gonna say to Bono,

''BONO, TAKE THEM GLASSES OFF,

YOU LOOK LlKE A TWAT!''

- (Laughter)

- Do you know what l mean?

When is somebody gonna...

(Applause and cheering)

YOU'RE FROM lRELAND! YOU

SHOULDN'T EVEN OWN SUNGLASSES!

lt's ridiculous,

the only reason he goes to Africa...

That's the only place he can go without

looking like an utter knob essentially.

The... Who wakes up in the morning

and goes,

''You know what, l'd like to look like a fly.

That'd be good.''

We-e-e-e-e-y! Rrrrrrrrrrrzzzz!

Zzz! They're all going,

''Where's Bono gone?

''Oh, he's over there

on a lovely big bit of poo!''

Zzz! ''Ah, l loves me lucky poo, so l do!''

Sorry about that.

l just spat all over the entire front row.

When you booked the tickets,

you went, ''Brilliant! Front row!

''We get to talk to him, we get to be involved.

l get to shine!'' You know.

Then l managed, in one sweeping motion,

to just spray all of you with spittle.

That was quite miraculous, that.

Sorry, everyone's laughing about it,

but you look incredibly pissed off.

Cos you're the only one, apart from her,

that's got short sleeves on.

You felt it, you were going, ''ls it raining

in here? Did you feel a spot of rain?''

No, that's how l like to relax the front row,

you know.

l like to just gently spit on you.

Think of it as cleansing balm.

Sorry, that's...

You really do look pissed off now.

You're not a bouncer down

The Three Bulls?

''l'll smash your face in, bastard!''

''No, l'm a starving African child

on a night out.''

The... Sorry about that.

What do you do, mate? What do you do?

A landscape manufacturer? Jesus Christ!

A landscape manufacturer?

lsn't the landscape already just there?

- (Laughter and applause)

- lsn't that like...

lsn't it...

That's like somebody going,

''l put up the distance.

''Oh, yeah, all of that, l put that in there.

''Ooh. Bloody lovely that is, yeah.''

You manufacture the landscape?

That'd be good if you went,

''Are you familiar with the Cheviot Hills?

''That was one of mine.''

- Yeah! What sort of manuf... Landscape...?

- (Man) l put plants in.

- You just put plants in!

- (Laughter)

So that's more of a landscape gardener

than actually manufacturing it

or do you create the plants

in laboratory conditions?

Or...you don't work for Peter Barratt, do you?

Sorry, l just said that cos,

if it was anywhere else in the country,

l wouldn't know

the name of a single garden centre,

but strangely tonight... Peter Barratt? ''No.''

Never mind. Oh, right.

So what sort of landscaping do you do?

- Working up in Ashington!

- (Laughter and cheering)

Whoa! Look, hoor-a-a-a-a-a-ay!

ls there a landscape in Ashington,

strictly speaking?

- There's not really, is there? There's...

- (Laughter and applause)

(Posh) ''Yes, we're thinking

of putting in a babbling brook...

''..through Ashington city centre.

''lt is going to be

something of a nature area.''

Are you from Ashington yourself?

No, you're not. Are you? No?

- Where are you from? Longbenton?

- (One person cheers)

- He-e-ey.

- (Laughter)

You know, that's possibly one of the most

piss-weak things l've ever heard in me life.

He-e-e-y.

lf this was America and somebody went,

''l'm from Wisconsin!'',

everyone would go, ''Whoooooo!''

- Longbenton? Whoo.

- (Laughter)

That... That was less of a ''wey-hey!'',

more of a ''whoo''.

''He's from Longbenton.

''Very nice.

''Booyaka, booyaka!''

(Laughs) You knacker, you knacker!

The...er... l love all that. l love all that

American business. That ''whoo-hoo!''

l'm a big fan of Fiddy Cent!

You know that fella - Fiddy Cent! Fiddy!

That is how it's pronounced. Somebody's

going, ''l think you'll find it's 50 Cent.''

lt's not, it's Fiddy!

(American accent) Fiddy Cent! Fiddy!

Don't do that...

Obviously, if you meet him, don't go ''Fiddy!''

Fiddy Cent!

ls your name Fiddy Cent?

ls that your name, is it?

Are you Fiddy Cent! Look at his face.

Look at his face, he's Fiddy Cent!

Look at his little Fiddy face!

Look at his little Fiddy Cent face!

(Gibberish)

(As Fiddy) l'll kick your ass, mo-fo!

l'll kick your ass!

That's not one of his manoeuvres either!

l've added that meself.

The, er...

You'll very rarely see a rapper do that.

The, er...

Not many people realise Fiddy Cent

is half-man, half-Cossack, yeah.

l'll kick your ass, mo-fo!

(Applause)

(Applause and cheering)

No, but Fiddy!

Sorry, l nearly fell on you there.

That adds insult to injury, doesn't it?

l spit on you and then land on you.

You'll go, ''We were just pleasantly moist

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