Ross Noble: Randomist Page #4

---

and then he smashed into our faces.''

No, Fiddy, right, he does this thing,

Fiddy Cent, it's brilliant, right?

At the start of a gig, right, he does...

Well, he doesn't do that.

l've done that meself, the little jaunty run.

He should do. He should just do a little...

Just as a warm-up exercise.

l'm gonna kick some asses tonight, mo-fo!

l'm gonna kick some ass!

(Applause and cheering)

Whoooo! l've gone a bit dizzy now.

(Laughs) We-e-ey!

Sorry, sorry!

l did it again. Sorry.

Fiddy Cent does this thing at the start

of the gig where he'll come out like this.

Like, if l was a rapper,

l'd be doing stupid walks all the time.

lf l was a rapper, l'd do this, l'd go...

When they go, ''Give it up for Bad-ass Noble

in the house!'', l'd come out like this.

(Laughter)

You're probably thinking,

''You'd look like a knob.'' Yes.

But the good thing about that is quite a lot

of white middle-class kids copy rappers.

Be hilarious.

Places like Cheltenham and that.

Yeah, man, yeah, yeah, check it out, man.

Check that, check that, check that.

For a laugh.

No, but Fiddy does this, right?

He does this thing here.

That was me again just doing that.

He has a tiny little Stepmaster there.

(Laughter)

Getting his thighs ready.

Mebbes he works for you.

He's your apprentice peat layer.

''Right, Fiddy, l know you're a bad-ass,

''but basically Ashington's

never gonna win Tidy Town

''unless we lay a lovely bit of peat.''

''l don't even know where Ashington is,

mo-fo!''

(Geordie) ''l just roll out the turf...

''Right, now,

l've laid a nice loamy peat, right?''

Oh, loamy, it's loamy.

''Good work, Fiddy.

''Go and have a chip butty.''

l don't really know much about gardening,

but l'm guessing it involves snacking.

Am l right?

Pretty much!

Do you sometimes go there the night before

and just bury sandwiches?

''l'll just see what... Oh, what's this?

''Tuna sweetcorn.

''Mmm!''

- ''No.''

- (Roar of laughter)

''That's never happened ever.''

He does this at the start of the show, right?

He'll come out...

''Yo, yo, yo, yo in the house!

Everybody in the house, make some noise!''

And the Americans

lose their bleedin' minds, right?

You've never seen anything like it!

He goes, ''Make some noise!''

The Americans are, ''Whoooo! Yeah!

Uhh uhh uhh uhh! Whooo!

''Whooo whooo whooo!

Uhh uhh uhh! Yeah!''

lmagine if you tried that in this country.

Very different kettle of fish, that.

He'd come out, he'd go,

''Yo, yo, yo, yo, make some noise!''

No.

Bloody do somethin' first, go on.

Play the spoons, knock out a tune,

a little ukulele tune, summat like that.

''Aw, come on, you bastards,

make some noise.''

Piss off, piss off, Fiddy.

You can't even play a glockenspiel.

What's the matter with you?

What l wanna do is turn up to a Fiddy Cent

gig, or any rap gig for that matter, right?

l wanna turn up with one of those

old-style Second World War air-raid sirens.

l reckon that'd be a laugh.

Just get one like that. On wheels, obviously.

Just push it out there like that.

Just get it in position, wait for Fiddy to start.

Obviously he wouldn't come straight on.

He's gotta knock the peat off his boots.

''Hurry up, Fiddy, you're on in a second.''

''l'm goin' fast as l can, mo-fo.

''l got peat.

This is quite loamy, it's quite loamy.

What? ''Don't know.''

And then he runs on like that.

''Yo, yo, yo, make some noise!''

l'll be there like that.

(Makes air-raid siren noise)

He'd sh*t his pants!

''There's a goddamn air-raid siren going off!

''What's happenin'? There's an air raid!

Run for your life, run for your life!''

That's how he runs, Fiddy Cent.

He's half-man, half-crab!

Makes drive-by shootings

a bloody nightmare for Fiddy!

They're in the car with a gun on him,

he's keeping up...

Hope there's a roundabout coming up soon.

So traffic lights and the like.

Or, better still,

instead of one of those air-raid sirens,

smuggle in a live owl.

Yeah, he wouldn't know what that is

cos he's urban, you see!

Quite hard smuggling an owl into a rap gig.

You have to take full advantage

of the big pants they wear, you know.

Just open the front up and shove it...

That looks a bit wrong, actually.

You wanna make sure you do it

in quite a secluded area.

Last thing you want is to see someone

who's pushing an owl down the front...

lt'd look like some kind of

porno Harry Potter, wouldn't it?

Dumbledore's there,

''What the hell are you doing, Harry?''

(Laughs uncomfortably)

Oh, piss off.

lt gets lonely at Hogwarts.

- ''l wondered why you called him Hedwig.''

- (Laughter)

Somebody there went, ''Ohhhh!''

Everyone else laughing and clapping

and you go, ''Ohhh!''

Are you from some sort of

owl conservation centre?

''Ohh, how many owls every year are forced

to hide down the front of a wizard's pants?''

That's the highest cause of owl death...

is being forced down a wizard's keks.

Who was that that went ''Ohhh''?

Or is there a wizard in?

ls there a genuinely...

Just a big pointy hat on like that

going, ''This is great!

''l'll roll me sleeves up, they're catching.

When l clap, they flap in the breeze.

''Ooh, stop moving around, owl, will you,

for God's sake?''

Don't shove it down the back of the pants.

That's no better.

That'll scratch your arse parts.

And if you get frisked, as well.

lf somebody's frisking you

and they touch your arse,

the owl might go, ''Hoooo!'' like that.

You have to pretend

you're unnecessarily camp.

Hooooooo!

Get her!

Hoooooo! ''ls that an owl in your pants?''

No, no.

A good way of doing it is to just get an owl,

put it in a cage

and then just stick it on a chain

around your neck.

Pass it off as the bling bling.

Obviously hope that nobody else turns up

with a smaller owl in a cage

around the neck of the bigger owl

cos they'll out-bling you, you see?

So you'd have to get a smaller owl, put it

around the neck of a medium-sized owl

around the neck of the big owl

and out-bling them, see?

Obviously you can't go any smaller than that

cos owls only go down that big, you know.

After that,

it's essentially a shrew with make-up.

''What you doin'?'' ''Shurrup!

''Shurrup, you've gotta pretend to be an owl.''

''Why don't you just use a mouse in a hat?''

''Ooh, l never thought of that.''

''Come here, mouse. Give us that hat.''

Lovely. ''lt's not really working for me, this,

darling, it's really not.

''l don't feel that

l'm in the character of the owl.''

Look, just flap like an owl

so we can get into a rap gig, can you?

''Bloody hell, love,

l went to mouse RADA for this.

''l just don't like it, it's uncomfortable.''

l'd put that hat back on

cos there's three hungry owls above you.

''Sh*t!

''Cheep cheep!''

The... No, so you get your owl there

and then just get a stick

and then just wait for Fiddy to just go,

''Make some noise!''

and then poke the owl as hard as you...

Not too hard, though.

You wanna poke an owl hard enough

so as he makes noise

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes