Ross Noble: Randomist Page #5

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but not too hard

so that he hurts his little owl ribs, you know.

lt's a delicate balance. When it comes

to owl-poking, you have to just get...

- Don't make up your own jokes!

- (Laughter)

l saw the, ''Heh-heh, wey-hey-hey!

''Hey, there's owl-poking! Wey-heeeey!''

You don't have to poke the owl, you can

always just put a blanket over the owl,

then whip it off and he'll go, ''What? Eh?

What? Too-wooo!'' and then...replace.

Over the cage, not over the owl itself.

Never put a blanket over an owl.

lt's way too hard, you know.

You have to open the cage

and then get the blanket inside

and the owl might do that, you know.

And then you're bloody knackered,

aren't you? You have to just...

You see, you've learned something here

tonight! Never put a blanket over an owl.

Unless, of course, you're baby-sitting

an owl and it wants tucking in, you know,

in which case it's fine, you know.

lf he's there going,

''Can you tuck me in, please?''

''But l'm never supposed to put a blanket

over an owl.

''l went to see Ross's owl lecture at the City

Hall and he said never put a blanket over...''

''But l'm ever so chilly.''

Detail. Look at that.

Eh? That's proper claws, that.

You have to ignore this bit here.

That's a spare one

in case that one gets trimmed.

Oh, no, he's doing the West Side thing.

Are you in that gangsta rap, owl?

''No.''

That was nice. A little bit of sweat

just cascaded down me top.

That was me. l came out of the character

of the owl for a second.

That wasn't the owl going,

''Oh, l'm ever so sweaty.''

(Laughter)

For some reason,

this owl's getting camper all the time.

''Oh, l'm ever so sweaty.

Oh, there's room in here for you.''

''No. l'm here to tuck you in.

That's all l'm doing.''

''Can you tuck me in, please?

l'm very, very chilly.''

''All right, just this once,

but it's breaking all the rules.''

How would you know when you'd tucked

an owl in? They haven't got necks, owls!

An owl is essentially just a one-piece unit,

isn't it?

lt's just a head and a body -

pumph, like that.

You'd be there going, ''ls that it?''

''lt's not high enough.''

''Well, is that...'' ''lt's still not high enough!''

''Well, what about that?''

''lt doesn't even cover me owl b*obs.''

''For God's sake. Well, what about that?''

''What you doing?!

''You tryin' to kill me, you mad bastard?!

You nearly suffocated me!''

''Well, l don't know where your neck is,

do l?''

''Well, you could've asked or at least

used an owl neck detection device!''

That's essentially just a stick

with a pointy thing on it

and you put it next to the owl and it points

to the neck and you pull the blanket there

and then you remove that,

tip the owl back and....

''Thanks very much.''

Well, he won't do that

cos he hasn't got thumbs, has he?

You'd have to take along your own rubber

thumbs and push them onto the owl's...

''Thanks very much.''

Even with it like that, you wouldn't see

the thumbs cos the blanket's up to here.

All you'd see would be that there.

Yeah, that's right, it'd look a bit wrong.

lt'd just look a little bit rude there.

''ls that it? Are you tucked in?''

''Thanks very much.''

''What you doin', you dirty owl bastard?!''

''Nothing. l was giving you the thumbs up

and couldn't see the things...''

''Well, reach around the blanket,

reach around.''

''lt's quite hard in these little pyjamas.''

That's how you freak out an owl. Wanna see

an owl lose its mind, dress him in pyjamas.

He doesn't know what's going on

cos owls are nocturnal, aren't they? Yeah.

''l'm wearing pyjamas, but l've gotta go out!

''And l've got human thumbs!

Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh!''

That's how you freak out Fiddy Cent. Don't

bother coming on with one of them sirens.

Just get an owl in pyjamas

with human thumbs

and just let him walk across

the front of the stage like that.

Just at the point that Fiddy comes out onto

the stage, ''Yo, yo, yo...'' Go, go, go, go on!

He'd be there like that. ''Yo, yo, yo,

make some... What the f*** is that?!

''There's an owl with human thumbs

''wearing pyjamas!

Ahhhhh! Ahhhh! Run for your life!''

(lmitates siren)

(Laughter and applause)

l saw that bloke have a cheeky sneak out,

waited till l was bouncing around like a twat

and then just went,

''Oh, l'm off for a quick piss.''

ls he coming back? Yeah? ls he?

Could he not hold it? There is an interval,

by the way. Not yet, but there is.

He's gonna feel like a fool.

Oh, he'll feel like a fool when he comes in

and he sits back down and he goes,

''Brilliant, what have l missed?''

and you all go, ''See yer.''

And off you go into the night.

You'll probably be thankful for the interval,

you lot,

when you can go off

and sponge yourself down.

Sorry, l know l spat on you before.

Was that... Was that... ls it all right?

Are you sure? Cos if l do spit on you, right,

l will provide you with sponges and flannels

later on.

Surely you're used to working

in the rain and that, aren't you?

What?

lt just gets rained off?

Be good if l spat on you and you went,

''Sorry, it's been spitted off. l'm sorry.

There's too much spittle.''

That's how you know when it's interval time.

When you've got so much spit on you,

you actually go, ''Oh, right, l'm sorry,

it's been rained off due to spit.

''Come on, we'll have a...'' There you go.

You're now worried about

if he's coming back, aren't you?

How do you know him?

He's a friend, is he? You're sure he's

not a relative that's just dumped you?

lmagine that. ''We're gonna see a lovely

show, right. You have a nice sit down.''

(Whispers) ''l'll be back in a minute.''

lmagine that. lf he just left you

wrapped in swaddling clothes.

You're probably a bit old for that.

How old are you? 15.

Yeah, probably slightly too old

for swaddling clothes, you know.

Does the hooded come in swaddling?

Didn't think so.

ls he coming back?

Cos it doesn't look like he is.

- Ooh, it's a little bit tense now, isn't it?

- (Laughter)

l probably could've just let that go.

A lot of people would.

A lot of people would see somebody nip off

for a cheeky piss and would just go...

(Laughter)

l dunno why that got the laugh that it did.

ls that that bloke hiding up the back there?

He's not standing on the balcony

pissing on these people, is he? Hey!

''Too right it was a cheeky piss!''

Or mebbes it was a mischievous poo.

Ohh!

Ohh, that's not nice!

Don't mention poo!

Actually, here's something

you can do when you poo, right?

- (Laughter)

- No! Shut yer faces!

- Wow, you've come back! Look at that!

- (Laughter and applause)

He was out the door there

having a little look around.

''l dunno if l should go back in. ls it worth it?

He'll announce an interval any second.''

Here's something you can do when you poo.

''Brilliant!

''l'm watching this bit!''

No, l don't mean to be vulgar or anything,

but, er...it's gonna happen.

Um...no, this is something l used to do.

l had a bit of a weird thing

happen to me recently.

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