Ross Noble: Randomist Page #6

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- My...

- (Laughter)

Somebody down there, ''Wey-hey!''

They... No, right, it was my wife, right...

Sorry, that sounded wrong. The...

''What, you pooed on your wife?'' No, l didn't.

The, um... Oh, sorry. The, um...

Forget that, forget it,

blank that from your mind.

Now that's all you can get. ''Ohh, no!''

l know half of you are just going,

''What happened when you did

the radio interview with Live 8?''

- l know!

- (Laughter and applause)

Don't worry, it's all in there!

l'll get back to it eventually, right?

''Oh, come on, Ross,

there's too much to remember.

''Then you tease us with the possibility

of an interval

''and the possibility of a poo-related story.''

No, my missus, right,

is a massive fan of that shop...

Do you know the shop Lush

that sells all the toiletry-type things, right?

Loves it, right? And she got herself

these bath things, right?

lf you've not seen them,

they're like a sort of a ball thing

and you put them in the bath

and they fizz up

and all stuff comes out of them

that ladies like, right?

Just pssshh!

lt makes like a sort of a feminine broth

in many ways. Do you know what l mean?

lt's like you chuck it in - ssssssss! -

and it's just lady things, right?

Like, obviously not kittens.

That'd be... That'd be a bit wrong, that.

Cos if you chucked it in and then left it

and you just...

''Come on, love, we're gonna have

a lovely romantic bath. Come and...

''Oh, there's some dead kittens.

You'd better just...

''Just go back, go back.

''Look at this, it's sensual, it's sensual.

''Oh, sh*t! Heh-heh.

''Put that on the radiator,

see what happens.''

(Miaows)

No, so anyway, fellas,

if you don't know what l mean,

you get them and you chuck them

in the bath and they psssshh!

l call them lass grenades, right?

They're brilliant. You sort of fumph

and they psssshh!

She got this one -

Fairy Jasmine, it was called, right?

God, there's some random laughers

in tonight, isn't there?

Cheeky wee - wey-hey-hey!

Fairy Jasmine - wey-hey-hey!

Unless that's a bloke with an owl down

his pants going, ''That's my nickname.''

No, Fairy Jas... Sorry, l shout that at you!

FAlRY JASMlNE!

l could never be a Fairy Godmother, me.

(Shouts) l'm your Fairy Godmother

and this is all me fairy assistants! Jasmine!

Little fairies crying. ''He's scaring me!''

So she got this thing and she chucked it

in the bath and it all fizzed up.

The Fairy Jasmine one,

it's got all jasminey smells,

but it's also got glitter, right?

Just...

Essentially, just like a kilogram of glitter

in a big fizzy bastard, right?

Just chuck it in and it goes - pumph -

like that.

Just explodes in the bath!

Glitter everywhere, right?

And apparently, for some reason,

ladies love it, right?

Sitting there in a big pot of glitter!

Shlsss, shlsss! Splooshing around like that.

You know, it was bloody horrible, right?

lt's in the bath and it's meant to enhance

your life or whatever, l don't know, right?

She didn't tell me about it.

What she did was she had the bath, right?

She's got out the bath and she's run across

the landing like a Ziggy Stardust character,

leaving a glitter trail behind her as she...

phwoooo wooooo!

Like she was in The Time Tunnel,

something like that.

Just whoooo, glitter, glitter!

And she jumps into bed, gets into bed,

leaves it at that, right?

Goes to sleep. l'd been out, right?

l'd been out for the day, right, came in,

bit tired.

Came back in, didn't look at the bath,

brushed my teeth,

jumped into bed, fell asleep.

Next morning, alarm goes off.

l had to go up to London, right?

So got on me motorbike, went up to London.

Little did l realise that

once glitter has contaminated the area...

Forget about it, it's everywhere, right?

But l didn't look at meself in the mirror

that morning, l just...

The first l was aware

that glitter had entered my life...

was when l pulled up at some traffic lights

and somebody winked at me.

l thought nothing of it and then,

as the day went on,

a lot of people would go, ''Excuse me,

but why are you covered in glitter?''

l was furious, l was bloody furious, right?

So l got home and l thought, ''l'm gonna

bloody...l'm gonna have it out with her!''

She'd done it again! She'd had a bath

and she was already in bed.

l wasn't gonna leave it. l ran in and l turned

the light on and l threw the quilt back...

l can't even describe what was in the bed,

right?

My missus was lying there,

there was glitter across the whole bed!

She was covered in glitter,

there was glitter and just glitter and glitter!

lt looked like somebody had stabbed a pixie!

(Roar of laughter)

(Applause)

l couldn't believe it, it was ridiculous!

l turned the light on and the bed was -

# Waaaa-haaaa, aaaa-haaaaaaa! #

Just shards of light!

lt was like somebody had opened the Ark!

There was Nazis melting in the corner

like that.

lt was... l wasn't sure. You might've been

having an affair with my missus.

Where's the shiny bastard?

''lt's glitter! lt's glitter, Ross!''

l know, that lad from

The Three Bulls' Heads is in here!

Sorry, The Three Bulls.

Yes, sorry, l said The Three Bulls' Heads.

That's wrong, isn't it? That'd be... lt's what?

ls it The Three Bulls' Heads?

Ugh, that's slightly wrong, isn't it?

ls there just a picture...

All blood dripping... Anyway, the point is,

she was glitter-mad! Mad for the glitter!

But the thing was, glitter,

it doesn't go away in time.

No, it keeps turning up, right,

and this is the point l'm making.

lt gets everywhere, right?

A little bit like sand at the beach, right?

Now, l don't wanna go into too much...

- (Man laughs)

- Leave it!

Aye, he's going,

''Ohh, l know what's coming here!''

Or he's going, ''lf there isn't an interval now,

my bladder's gonna explode everywhere!''

Sorry, l know some of you are going,

''Please, Ross, let us have an interval!

''Piss is gonna come out of our eyes!''

- (Smattering of applause)

- l dunno why you're clapping.

These poor bastards down the front here,

getting spit on from the front

and then piss arcing over them from...

Did you enjoy Ross's show?

''lt was brilliant, but damp.''

No, so the point is, right, that glitter... l don't

mean to be vulgar, l don't mean to be wrong.

l had quite a lot of glitter in me arse.

l'm just saying!

And it's not often you can say

to 2,500 people, ''l had glitter in me arse.''

Don't even think about it!

(Laughter and applause)

- Cheeky, cheeky woman!

- (Applause)

You gave yourself a little bonus gag there,

didn't you?

lt just took her to realise... ''Hey, uhhhhh!''

So the point is... And l don't wanna

be vulgar or wrong about it, right?

But l was... l went to the loo...

l mean, to the toilet

and l was enjoying a cheeky poo, right?

(Laughter)

As is my right to do!

And l went and...

whatever, right?

Let's draw a veil over that.

Not literally, obviously!

That would annoy you

if you went to Egypt for your holidays

and now they just went,

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