Ross Noble: Randomist Page #7

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''And now the dance of the seven veils.''

(Laughter)

Ahh!

l went, right, but the thing is

cos there was glitter...

and it was...

You don't want to look, do you? You don't

want to and you know you shouldn't

but you sort of can't help it, can you?

Do you know what l mean, it's just there.

And l'm not proud of it.

l thought, ''l'd better check

everything's...how it should be.''

l don't know what l was expecting to see.

Like Mount Rushmore or something.

''Look at the detail on the chin.''

No, l don't know, right?

Some of you are with me, some are going,

''l'm going to write to the council about this!

''This is a council venue, l can't believe it.

We're close to a swimming pool, as well.

''That'll contaminate the water

just by talking about it!''

l looked into the bowl, right?

l'm not joking, my poo was sparkling!

lt was bloody sparkling in the...!

l know that this might seem

a bit of a weird thing to think,

but l looked at that poo and,

for about ten minutes,

l convinced myself...

l convinced myself l had a magic arse!

That's just...

l felt like going to the doctor's, going,

''Look at that, you wouldn't believe it!

''Rub that hard enough, you'll get a genie.

Come on, have a look!''

Anyway, that aside, the point l was making

was that l used to do this thing.

Give this a try

cos it's coming up to that time of year.

What l used to do, right,

at various parties in Heaton, funnily enough,

on New Year's Eve, right,

over the Christmas, right,

sort of store it up a bit.

Just, you know, let it...you know.

- And then pick your party, right...

- (Audience murmurs and laughs)

Go to a New Year's do, right,

and then just get yourself...

get yourself settled, right,

and about two or three minutes

to midnight, right?

And then just get ready, just like that.

Get your watch, synchronise your watch.

Just wait till the stroke of midnight

and l know it's vulgar, but trust me,

it's a beautiful, beautiful thing in your life.

Just...just at the stroke of midnight...

just let it go, right?

l know you might think that

that's a weird thing to do and it is,

but there's nothing more refreshing in life

than doing a lovely big poo

and hearing hundreds of people all...

''Hoora-a-a-a-a-ay!''

# Should auld acquaintance be forgot #

(Applause)

Anyway, go and have an interval.

l'll see you back here in 15 minutes.

(Applause and cheering)

(# Cheers-type piano intro)

(Man) Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight's show is proudly brought to you

by Ted Danson's Pizza Shack,

the pizza place

where everybody knows your name.

Taste that Ted Danson goodness

in every bite,

with each pizza lovingly prepared

to Ted's special recipe.

Say cheers to home cooking.

lt'll have you dancing on the ceiling

at Ted Danson's Pizza Shack.

Ted Danson's Pizza Shack

has no affiliation to Ted Danson.

- (Applause)

- Welcome back, welcome back.

Welcome back to the show!

Thank you very much!

Welcome back

to the second half of the show!

(Cheering)

Yeah, that's it, take your time.

No hurry at all!

Oh, sorry, pregnant woman. Brilliant.

Fantastic. Look at that. Take your time.

''Actually, l am a lady in a pregnant state,

you evil bastard!''

l do apologise for that. Sorry.

How long before you're, er...

Sorry, that's probably not

how it's gonna happen, is it?

They'll go,

''Welcome to the antenatal classes.

''When the child's born,

it'll be simple enough, it'll just go whooooo!''

Straight out. How long have you got to...?

- Three weeks.

- What?

Three weeks to go? Great. And somebody's

phone went off just at that moment.

''Three weeks'' and it went bleep!

As if that was some kind of baby alarm.

Your doctor going bleep! ''Actually, no,

it's gonna happen in two minutes' time.''

Quickly! There we go.

Can l just ask when you are gonna...

when you, you know...

What's that you're eating there?

What?

What? Oh, ice cream.

Oh, right, sorry, l thought you were eating

sardines and pickled onions.

Just going, ''Oh, this is brilliant, this!''

People around you going, ''You might be

pregnant, but that's just weird.''

What the bloody hell is that?

Somebody decide to... That wasn't you,

was it, doing a bit of landscaping?

Do you know what would look good there?

A few Japanese pebbles down the back.

Just put that there.

l could only afford one pebble.

lt is a screwed-up bit of newspaper.

lt's not newspaper, anyway, it's...

''Lots of love, Pencil Girl.''

- (Laughter)

- Hang on.

''Tyne Tees Television,

one mile past Green Nail Bridge, left...''

ls this directions to get here?

''Don't...talk...

''about...this...''

(Laughter)

Oh, sorry, ''Don't talk about this bit.

''Lots of love, Pencil Girl.''

- Hello, Pencil Girl.

- Hello!

Hi!

Welcome back. What, you didn't

do enough pooing in the inter...

For Christ's sake!

What's the matter with you, for God's sake?

How much liquid do you emit?

She's pregnant and she's managed

to get through without any waters breaking!

Well done there. Got some ice cream?

(Silence)

Has there been a death in the village?

What's happened there?

l only went off for 20 minutes,

you're all just going,

''Ross, it was terrible. That fella there

wouldn't let any of us go to the toilet.

''He ran out ahead of the pack

and he got to the door and he went,

''Not for you, sonny Jim!''

There we go. You back now?

Did they make you wait until the very end?

Yeah. Are you gonna nip off before the end

of the show for another quick cheeky one?

Probably, yeah.

Store it up for New Year, that's what l do.

What was l on about? Oh, that's right, l was

gonna ask you about the pregnancy thing.

Some of you are going, ''No! Live 8!

''What happened when you did the radio

interview and you said the thing...''

Yes, it's all up there. Just relax.

Are you gonna be one of those women...

Are you breastfeeding?

Are you gonna do a bit of that?

How very nonchalant of you.

(Laughter)

l mean when you have the child.

l don't mean now.

ls that...

Are you doing a bit of breastfeeding?

''Help yourself, son, help yourself.''

''l'll put a bit of ice cream on for you.

That'll be good.

''Oh, it's ever so nippy, that. Oooooh!''

You know, no wonder your fella

walked back so nonchalant like that.

''Oh, to be honest with you, Ross, l was

enjoying ice cream out the back there.''

She's there going,

''Oh, blimey, l could do with a scarf.''

The... Are you gonna breastfeed?

- Dunno. Might do.

- You might do, yeah.

Don't be one of those women that just

goes... Ask, do you know what l mean?

l know there's a lot of women gonna go,

''Grrrrrrrrrr!''

lt's those women that assume that they can

whip the knocker out and l'm not gonna look.

Do you know what l mean? lt's that thing of

you'll just be chatting away and they'll just...

And you go, ''Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh!''

lt's not a sexist thing,

it's just you can't help it.

lt's just having a tiny face

licking and sucking...

Do you know what l mean?

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