Ross Noble: Randomist Page #8

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How would they like it if l got a dwarf, right...

Just for example, right?

lf l just whipped out a dwarf and said,

''John, just lick chocolate off a grapefruit.''

Know what l mean?

''Hey, stop looking, stop looking!''

''You don't mind if l breastfeed, do you?

You don't mind if l...?''

l just say, ''Yes, l don't mind at all.

Just on you go.

''You don't mind if l squeeze juice

out of these oranges with me arse, do you?

''There you go. Right, who's for juice?

Who's for juice? Juice, anybody?

''Ooh, the power of me arse cheeks!

There you go.''

''How does he do it?'' ''l've heard it's magic.''

The new Arse-O-Magic juicer.

There you go. Nice.

Have you just changed into that ridiculously

tie-dye outfit? Where did you get that from?

Brilliant.

First half, you were just dressed in black.

l've come out here, it's almost like

you've come out of a chrysalis.

- (Laughter)

- That's magnificent.

He hasn't been putting Baby Bio on you

and you've just flowered?

ls that what it is?

He's just...and you go, # Ahhhhhhhhh #

He's pissed off cos you're now

more colourful than his shiny top.

''But it's shiny.'' ''But mine is colourful.''

That's quite magnificent.

Where did you get the top from?

You stole it?!

Off your friend. l was gonna say. Cos

a tip, if you are ever gonna steal clothing,

probably best to get something

a little bit more subdued than that.

ls there just some knackered hippy

lying in the street like that?

''Where's me skin gone?

''Somebody's stolen me skin!''

- Who... Where did you... Which friend?

- (Man) Me!

Hey!

ls that just somebody there nude?

Just a bloke with dreadlocks

completely naked.

''Please give us me coat back.''

Did she just go, ''l'm a little bit nippy.

l want it back''?

She what? Oh, you've changed.

Look at you with a selection of costumes

for the night out.

That's great cos l've kept the same stuff on.

lt gets to something when the whole room

goes, ''Right, if he's not changing, we will.''

lt'd be great if l'd come back and

you were all dressed as Vegas show girls.

Big feathers coming out of your hair

like that. You lot down the front, all...

Fantastic. Mebbes you could've

pulled the hood up there, you know.

Some kind of thing over the top.

l don't know, it's up to you.

Do you like this?

You know what somebody shouted at me.

l was doing a gig a few weeks back

and l hadn't even spoken

and l walked out onto the stage

and somebody went, ''How, Ross!''

l went, ''What?'' And they went,

''Have you come as the A-Team van?''

(Laughter and applause)

(As Mr T) l pity the fool, l pity the fool

who slags off my fancy slacks!

Before anyone shouts out here, l have

no idea what the orange thing is, right?

Some of you are going,

''What's that orange thing?'' l don't know.

All l can come up with is, this is what

it looks like when an easyJet crashes.

(Laughter and applause)

The, er...

They said to me when l got this,

they just went,

''Oh, you can have the big orange thing,

but just don't bounce on it.''

Big inflatable orange thing

and l'm not allowed to bounce on it?

Do you know how frustrating that is for me?

Every night standing here

with this big inflatable and l'm not allowed...

That's like a child with no fingers

inheriting a bubble-wrap factory.

Do you know what l mean?

(Mock crying)

Sorry, are you all right?

You seem to be loosening off your scarf.

ls it a scarf or is it a spittle shield?

Fantastic. Sorry, l've made a mental note.

l'm gonna try and stop spitting on you.

So just relax, chill.

Chill, but don't kick back, right?

l hate that expression.

People just go, ''Oh, yeah, l'm just gonna

hang out tonight, just kick back.''

- ls that...

- (Laughter)

ls that really relaxing, is that...

''Oh, yeah, l've had a great night tonight.

''Oh, l'm ever so relaxed now! Oh, hello...''

(Laughter)

(Applause and cheering)

You're easily pleased, mind, aren't you?

Look at that. A small piece of electronics

fell out me arse and you're...

What did you say?

Did it come from my magic arse?

Quite frankly, if l had a magic arse,

l think something slightly more wondrous

than a small battery pack would fall out.

''Come, come, for Ross has a magic arse!

''People have travelled from all around,

things appear from his anal cavity!

''What is it?

What miraculous things appear?

''Tiny woodland creatures

leaping from the arse!''

''Well, not really, no.''

''What is it? ls there an amazing light,

a Technicolor light that flies out

''and creates images and shapes

and visions of the future?''

''Nah, more just battery packs really.''

''That's handy. l've just bought a minidisc

player and l've lost the battery pack.''

''lt doesn't do them to order!''

That would be good, wouldn't it?

What a helluva sideshow that would be.

Or just...just a pretty good job at Dixons,

you know.

Just sitting there on the counter.

Somebody could come along.

''Excuse me, l bought this remote control

and l don't know what batteries it needs.''

''Don't you worry about that.''

''Wow, they're exactly the batteries l needed!

''Thanks, Ross, and your magic arse!''

''Don't worry, l can take the day off now.''

The...

ls that why donkeys always look so relaxed?

They just...

''Ohh, that's better!''

lf l had the money, l'd have my legs removed

and just donkey legs put on instead.

''Oh, there goes Ross.

He looks ever so relaxed now, doesn't he?''

Oh, yeah!

Did you see that about the face transplants?

Did you see that on the news?

No, not a single one of you.

You lot are fantastic. See Live 8? No.

See the face...? No, no face transplant.

Have TVs become illegal in the area?

''Well, Ross, we can't get the battery packs

for the portable ones.

''l mean, we can, but quite frankly,

we don't want to touch them

''until they've been

thoroughly disinfectanted.''

No, they've done the face transplant

in France, apparently.

They did a full-on... Some of you

are looking at me like, ''Bullshit.''

Honestly, they did a genuine face transplant.

l'm quite happy, me.

l've put my name down as a donor,

a face donor like that.

On the card, corneas, no. Liver, no.

Face, yes.

Do you really want a donated face?

Most people that donate their organs

have been in car crashes.

Do you really wanna take

the bandage off a relative?

''There we go, let's see what it's like.''

And you take it off and he's just like that.

(Roar of laughter)

''What does it look like?

''Does it suit me?''

l'm not quite sure why his arms

are out like that in a steering wheel shape.

l like the fact that

they wanna bring in identity cards

and just as they're thinking about doing it,

somebody invents face transplants!

- That's worth it!

- (Applause)

l bet they were well happy about that

down at Downing Street.

''Oh, brilliant, that'll do nicely...

Aww, bollocks!''

Yeah. ldentity cards? Good idea, bad idea?

''Look, we've established

''you will get no opinion

from us whatsoever.''

This would be great if it was like Gladiator.

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