Ross Noble: Randomist Page #9

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''Shall he live or shall he die?''

''Not arsed, really.

''Push him towards the tiger,

see what happens.

''Go on, over there. The tiger, that one.''

That's you again, isn't it?

Offering up your creamy breasts.

''Shall the gladiator live?''

(Laughter)

''Shall the gladiator...?'' l don't know, we're

looking at that woman's ice creamy breasts!

l dunno how she does it. lt's amazing.

l dunno how she got the flake to stay in,

that's...

That's truly amazing!

''Put 'em together, place it here.''

lt's weird, you're all offended at the idea of

a woman with a flake between her breasts.

''Oh, that's horrible!'' Yet me doing

a magic poo didn't seem to...

Nobody's bothered about that at all.

''Oh, we do magic poos on a regular basis!

''ln fact, in this very room two days ago

''was the Annual Northeast Who Can Do

The Mostly Sparkly Poo Competition.

''Yeah, we had trestle tables

all the way along the outside.

''lt was like a leek show but stinkier,

you know.''

Blokes walking around with clipboards

going, ''That's a nice one, yes.

''Get the torch,

l wanna test just how sparkly it is.

''Oh, that's bloody lovely, that.

Ooh, that's a whopper there!

''l tell you what, you could put that on a string

and hang it in a disco. Look at it.''

People dancing...

(Laughter)

You know in Saturday Night Fever when

John Travolta walks onto the dance floor

and everyone made that big circle

and he was on his own going like that?

What they were actually doing was,

''Back away, back away.

''There's a big spinning glittery poo up there.

''That looks like it could fall at any minute.

Just hang back. That doesn't look good.''

Travolta's there going, ''Hey, bloody hell,

look at that, look at that, up there, eh?

''Can you see that, can you see that?

Bloody sparkly poo!''

Everyone's clapping going, ''Come on,

John, how long can you stay there?''

(Laughter)

He's going, ''l'm a fool to meself. This is

a white suit, this is a bloody white suit.''

No, the identity card thing.

l was in...er... Where was l?

Um...Brighton! Sorry, l dunno what that was!

That's a new thing. lf l'm trying

to remember something, l just do that.

l have to be very careful

in the giraffe house at zoos.

''Now, where...

''Now, where is the giraffe originally from?

Er...''

''Sorry, lads, sorry about that.

l didn't mean to tickle your plums.''

The...

l was in Brighton, right, south coast.

Obviously.

You probably didn't need

that extra bit of geographic...

''Thanks, Ross, Brighton on the south coast.

''Lovely.

We thought it was the Scottish Brighton.''

Have we got any southern people in tonight?

- (Several people) Yeah.

- (Man) Boo!

(Laughter)

One person! ''Yeah.''

Somebody there went, ''Boo!''

That's great.

Just cos they're from the south! ''Boo!''

That's great. Do you just get the train down

to London, get off at Kings Cross and...

''Boo!''

(Laughter and applause)

''What, the Lord Mayor's Parade's on

this weekend?

''ls that GNER? Yes, book me a ticket.

''There's gonna be some extra booing

going on.''

What... Who booed, who booed?

Look at that! This lass is going ''Him!''

Most people would be going, ''Oh, sh*t, l was

the only one.'' He's going, ''Me, l booed!''

What's your name, booing man?

What? David. And what have you

got against people from the south?

Or do you just like booing?

''That's a good one l could employ in my...''

Are you the Northeast's champion booer?

Boo!

The... Go on, what...

Have you had a problem in the past?

What? What?

- Many.

- Many! Many!

''There have been many people,

''many problems

with the people of the south!''

Sounds like you're from Middle Earth

or something.

''We have had many problems

with the people from the south!''

Aw, those big walking trees turning up!

Look at him.

''Sorry, l'm not doing walking trees.

''lt's a bloody nightmare.

''We had to pull a load out.

We had a moving hedge in Ashington.

''lt was a nightmare.''

Turns out it was a couple of charmers

just pushing it like that.

But you don't know, do yer?!

(Applause)

''Move that hedge, move that hedge,

that'll annoy him! Uhhhhhhh!''

Many? What were some of your problems?

Go on.

What do you do for a living?

That's probably the... What do you do?

That's great. His lass just went, ''Oh, no!''

As if it's like, ''We were having a lovely night,

nobody needed to find out.''

Be good if you went,

''l'm the Mayor of London.''

Go on, what do you do?

- An electrician.

- An electrician. Right.

And is that how you've got involved

with the people of the south?

- (Laughter)

- The people of the south!

Are you on a satellite delay? What is...

- (Laughter and applause)

- What is going on here?

Do you mean me?

l think they knew it was me.

l just don't like them.

Go on, give us an example

of why you hate the south.

- (Woman) Sheep!

- Sheep?

You've confused too many regional

stereotypes there, haven't you?

That's Wales, sheep.

They're the west, they're not the south.

- (Man) South from here.

- Well, obviously south from here.

- Bloody hell!

- (Laughter)

ls that what it's gonna turn into, is it?

That'd be great if he just went,

''l once got clamped in Gateshead.

''Bastards!''

(Applause)

- ''Southern bastards!''

- (Roar of laughter)

After the gig, we all go out

and you're just standing on the swing bridge

with a bloody burning torch and...

''What be that strange land over the bridge?

''Hark, hark, look over there

into the distance!

''There be a big giant silver slug

heading this way!''

(Snarling)

''And from the inside the belly

of the giant silver slug

''comes classical and contemporary music.''

(Chuckles) Oh, dear.

The people on the other side, you're going,

''Destroy the Gateshead southern freaks!''

Everyone in Gateshead's going,

''We're too busy looking at art.''

(Laughter)

(Applause)

(Posh) Would you like an After Eight mint?

l like the Baltic. My mate used to have

this idea and l wish they'd done this.

He had this brilliant idea for the Baltic.

He said what they should've done...

This was years ago.

He said they should've painted it white

and put a projector in the Egypt Cottage

and had a row-in cinema.

- So you can just...

- (Laughter)

..and then just bob and have a...you know.

Bloody idiots.

Bloody put an art gallery in and a restaurant.

- Southern twats!

- (Roar of laughter)

Anyway, you're not gonna like this

cos l was in Brighton, right?

Which is really quite south.

You can't get any further south than Brighton

unless you walk out onto the pier.

Be good if there was one bloke

at the end of Brighton pier going,

''You northern scum!''

(Laughter)

lf it was your pen pal.

l was in Brighton...

l haven't forgotten about Live 8, as well.

l know you're all just, ''Please just finish...

''Just tell us about that.''

The... lt's a good job l'm not a newsreader,

isn't it, really?

''Good evening, welcome to the news.

The main stories... But first, ooh, listen!

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