Ross Noble: Randomist Page #10

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''This happened, right, and there was a thing

and wey-hey!''

(Gibberish)

Ohhh haaaa arrrrrr!

''What's he on about?''

''l don't know. l've got no idea.''

Do you remember, right,

news used to be news, didn't it?

You used to be able to turn the news on

and somebody would go,

''Loads of bad sh*t's happened in the world.

Here's some weather.'' That was it, right?

That's all you needed, wasn't it?

Bad sh*t, weather.

Thanks very much, out the door, right?

Not any more.

You turn Sky News on,

there's, like, too much news for them...

One day - ''loads of bad sh*t's

happening in the world!''

24 hours a day, nonstop.

''There's bad sh*t happening in the world!''

Really? l'll go. ''Don't go! There's more

bad sh*t happening in the world out there!

''Don't go out, there's bad sh*t happening!

Loads of bad sh*t happening!''

And you're going, ''Bloody hell, there's

a lot of bad sh*t happening in the world.''

And you just think you've taken it all in and

they run it along the bottom of the screen

in word form, rrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrr!

''Bad sh*t happening in the world!

''There's loads of bad sh*t happening

in the world. Did we mention, bad...

''Rrrrrrr, rrrrrrr! Bad sh*t happening...

''OK, there's bad sh*t, bad sh*t, bad sh*t...

Rrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrr, bad sh*t happening in...''

And then they start flashing it on the screen.

''Bad sh*t happening in the world!

''Loads of stuff happening in the...

Rrrrrr, rrrrr!''

And you're going, ''Right, there's...''

''Rrrrr! Bad sh*t happening! Rrrrrrr!

''Bam boom bam, rrrrrrr!''

And you go, ''Ahhh!''

And they go, ''Press the red button, press

the green button, press the red button!''

Oh, for f***'s... ''Boom boom bam! Rrrrr!''

lt's like bleedin' Space lnvaders,

the news now!

You expect the newsreader

to jump out of his seat and start going...

''Bloody hell, what's going...

What's happening in the world, Ross?''

- ''l don't know, but l'm onto level 4! Piss off!''

- (Roar of laughter)

lt's just insane, too much for you to handle!

Just coming towards your face and that.

Like l was trying to watch Sky News

a couple of weeks back.

l was only half-listening

and you can't do that.

You can't try and watch

and have all that hitting you.

l was on the phone.

l was ordering some food in a hotel.

l was in the hotel, l'm standing there going,

''Yes, l'd like to order some food, please.''

Yeah, it was quite a small...

Quite a short cable on the phone.

l was staying in a miniature hotel,

a little dwarf hotel.

l wasn't even on the phone,

l was just talking to a dwarf.

''l was just wondering, would it be possible

to order a little bit of food and then, er...?

''Do you wanna lick some chocolate

off this grapefruit?

''Go on. Go on, have a little lick.

Have a lovely little lick there.''

''Are you sure?'' ''Yeah, go on.''

No, l was on the phone and l was...

Yes... No, l'll stand up.

There's no reason for me to be hunched

on the show.

Mebbes there was a bloke in the room

below just pulling the thing into the floor.

''Yeah, l'd just... l'd like...

''No, l'd just like to... What the...?!

''Yes, hello there, l'd like to...

''Oh...f***!

''Right, l'd like... You bastard!''

(Applause)

(Grunts)

Tied it round the table.

The... l think l might have put me knee

out of joint there.

- (Laughter)

- Thanks for your sympathy, that's right!

Oh, thanks a lot.

l think l might have put me knee out of joint.

Great, you go and see a big stunt show.

''Look, he's burst into flames!'' (Laughs)

That's funny.

So l was on the phone and l'm going,

''l'd like to order some food, please.

''Yes, yes, just a bit of ice cream.''

And Sky News was on in the corner.

''Bad sh*t happening in the world!

Rrrrr rrrrrr rrrrr!'' Right?

And it was around the time

when Turkey were trying to join the EU.

They were trying to get in. They were

having talks and it was all a bit excit...

Well, it wasn't exciting at all, to be honest,

But they were covering it because

there was nothing else happening.

l'm there like, ''Mm-hm, l'd...'' and l look up

and they flashed this up on the screen.

And if Turkey's trying to get into the EU,

put that on the screen.

Don't flash up on your fancy graphics

while l'm trying to order some food...

l looked at the screen and it just flashed up,

''Turkey talks!''

''l'm sorry, mate,

l'm gonna have to call you back.

''A miraculous thing has happened!

''You're not gonna believe it

but poultry is giving voice!''

Then l look at it

and not only did it say ''Turkey talks''...

One of the reasons

why they said that Turkey couldn't join

is cos it's a mainly Muslim country

and that was gonna be a hurdle.

So don't flash up on the screen when l'm...

''Turkey talks''

and then ''hurdles mainly Muslims''.

''l'm sorry, mate,

l really am gonna have to call you back now.

''Not only is it giving voice,

''but it's also attempting

some kind of bizarre athletics event.''

(Gobbles like a turkey)

''Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

''This evening l will be giving a talk

about the history of poultry

''and then l will be attempting

to leap some religious people.

''l will be starting off with a couple of Jews,

''moving on to a Buddhist and then,

due to availability,

''this evening l will be hurdling

mainly Muslims.''

(Gobbles)

(Squawk!)

(Squawk, squawk!)

''l thank you!''

(Laughter and applause)

''l nearly didn't clear them.

l've got a touch of flu.''

(Laughter)

The good thing about hurdling Muslims is

a lot of them are already in this position.

Making them the ideal hurdling device.

lt's brilliant.

Obviously, you have to do it quickly

cos they all go down at once.

You'd be there down the mosque just going,

''Right, you gotta get this right, lad.

''Right, here we go, watch me work.

How will we know when to go?

''How are we supposed to...''

''Oh, you'll know, you'll hear this noise.''

(Call to prayer)

''Get ready! Get ready! Ready!

''Ready! Captain Mainwaring!''

(As Mainwaring) Stupid boy!

Sorry, l've made meself laugh now!

There was absolutely no reason that

the cast of Dad's Army would be... l have...

l just thought,

''Go on, make it the cast of Dad's Army!''

Would you mind awfully

jumping these Muslims?

Aye, we're doomed!

Be quiet, Frazer!

(Laughter)

Sorry!

They've finished praying by this point!

''Bloody hell, it's a good job

they do it five times a day. We'll wait.''

Right. Right, here we go.

- Ready.

- (One person laughs)

- (Audience laughs)

- Who's that laughing in a mosque?

l don't know. lt's highly disrespectful.

Some would say so's dressing up

as the cast of Dad's Army,

running in and attempting

to leap a load of Muslims.

Let's not dwell on that now, shall we?

(Call to prayer) ''Go, go!''

- Run, run!

- (Applause)

''Quickly! Quickly, let's get out of here!''

''Oh, hang on, sh*t!''

- ''Forgot me shoes.''

- (Laughter)

Ah, it's all right to laugh about religion.

No, honestly.

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