Ross Noble: Randomist Page #11

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You see, l feel sorry for the Muslims

and l think we should get...

lf there's any Muslims in here tonight,

l'm behind you, l'm with you.

l think we should bond together

as a community.

The people

l think we should get most behind

are the Muslim Ramblers' Association

cos they're not really getting much done,

are they?

They go, ''Right, we'll have a nice ramble.

You get the packed lunch, get the flask.

''Better leave the backpacks, lads.

Leave the backpacks.''

They can't do it!

You can't go out in London

if you look even vaguely Muslim.

You don't even have to be a Muslim,

you just have to look a bit Muslim

and the Metropolitan Police

will shoot you dead!

Ohh, they can't bloody help themselves!

They're mental!

There's people looking, ''ls there any police

around? l daren't go out.'' They're nuts!

To a Metropolitan police officer,

anyone that looks vaguely Muslim

is essentially just a duck doing that.

(Laughter)

''Sarge, if l shoot him in the head,

do l win a coconut?''

''No, you do not!

Pack it in, you trigger-happy freak!''

lt's ridiculous. There was a fella on the news

defending those blokes that shot that guy.

He was going, ''lt's a very highly-stressed

operation, very, very highly-stressed.

''ln a high-pressure situation,

''one never knows how a firearms officer

is going to react.

''One never knows how he's going to react.''

And you think, ''Well, you sort of do,

don't you?''

He's either gonna shoot somebody...

or not shoot somebody, isn't he?

They're the two options there.

There's very little leeway for mad sh*t

to happen. Do you know what l mean?

There's not much chance of, you know,

some firearms officer there just going,

''Ohh, what do l do, Sarge?

l'm not trained for this!''

''Calm down, remember your training!''

''Ohh, ohh, what am l gonna do?!

''Ooh, l've got parsnips coming out my arse!

''l'm shitting out parsnips, Sarge!

''That wasn't supposed to happen!''

Pumph, pumph!

''You see, lads, in this situation here,

''Jenkins is shitting out parsnips!''

ln a high-pressure situation, you never know

how somebody's going to react.

''Can we shoot him in the head, Sarge?''

''No, we cannot. We need those for soup.''

Anyway, where was l?

Oh, that's right, l was in Brighton.

l was in Brighton and they had this thing

about the identity cards down there, right,

and this fella, he was standing...

he had a little thing like that, a little table,

and he was going, ''Say no to identity cards!

''Say no to identity cards.''

And l thought, ''That's a good idea,

l'll have a chat.''

l said, ''What do l do, then?

Where do l...you know, get on board?''

You know what he said? And l'm not

making this up. He went, ''Oh...um...

''lf you wanna join us, write your name

and address on this piece of paper.''

You've sort of missed the point

of the whole thing.

You're trying to stop identity cards

by me giving you my name and address.

You've sort of missed it.

That's like saying, ''Support animal rights

by arm-wrestling this monkey.''

(Gibbers like a monkey)

The government go, ''lt'll stop terrorism.

ldentity cards will stop terrorism.''

Little picture of somebody with a name.

Oh, that's gonna stop terrorists, isn't it?

You've turned the whole of national security

into a big game of Guess Who?

- (Laughter)

- That's what they've done there.

''Does he have blond hair?''

''No.''

''Does he have a beard?''

''Yes.''

''ls his name Mohammed?''

''Yes.''

''Guess who!''

Board game national security.

What they should do is the amount of time

they're allowed to keep a suspect in custody

should directly relate to whether or not

they land on a snake or a ladder.

That's the way it should work.

Then you go all the way back to the start.

Hey!

l saw you going, ''Heh-heh!

This has all got a bit serious, hasn't it?

''l liked it when he was talking

about pooing and that.

''Has he really got a magic arse?

''Why doesn't he solve

the problems of national security

''with nothing more than the powers

of his arse?''

What the hell was that?

Somebody went, ''We-e-ey!''

Yeah, you can see them unveiling that

in the Commons, can't you?

''Well, here's our secret weapon.''

Me backing out like that.

Still, anyway, what was l telling you about?

Live 8!

(Cheering)

Oh, piss off! Look at that, ''Hooraaaaay!

''Oh, thank Christ for that! Finally!

''They said it could never be done!''

Are you all right down there,

my gardening man?

You were staring off down at the floor.

Are you all right? ls the heat getting to you?

Oh, you were looking at the time. Oh, sorry.

(Laughter)

Well, at least you're honest. Have you gotta

be somewhere? Have you a bus to catch?

- Oh, you've got to be up in the morning.

- (Laughter)

l mean, you know,

thanks for coming and everything, but...

l've got a few things to do meself,

do you know what l mean? But...

(Forced laughter)

(Laughter)

- Minutes...

- (Woman squawks with laughter)

Dunno why she's laughing

like a madwoman.

''Ha ha ha ha!

He won't be waking up tomorrow!''

(Laughter)

(Applause)

At least you're honest.

Are you still there, though?

You're not too...? That'd be quite good.

lf l looked down

and you were just staring at me like that...

- ''l'm having fun, but it's ever so late.''

- (Roar of laughter)

A pregnant woman over there,

look at the energy coming off her!

''Hooray! Whoo-hoooooo!

''Come on, l'll give birth, l'll go back to work,

l'll do a bit of community service!

''l couldn't give a sh*t!''

You're down there,

''l've had a hard day's digging.''

lt's a good job l knew you were a gardener.

l might have thought you were a bit touched.

There's something wrong with that bloke

down the front there.

He's been in Ashington for too long!

(Applause)

They're gonna ask you to make

a remake of Dawn Of The Dead

with no extras required.

(Laughter)

Here's a joke, right, which only you'll get.

l've tried telling this to people in the south!

- (Laughter)

- Oh, in the south!

And they didn't get it.

Australia.

This is the joke, right.

Two blokes from Ashington, right?

One's just done his driving test

and he goes,

''Hey, Jackie, ee, l failed me driving test.

''You failed your driving test?''

He said, ''Aye, l failed me driving test.''

''What did you fail your driving test for?''

He said, ''Ee, l hit the kerb.''

He says, ''You didn't fail your driving test

for hitting the kerb?''

He says,

''You do if he's on Bob-a-Job week.''

(Roar of laughter)

(Applause)

- What?

- (Man) What about Live 8?

Yeah, l'll get to Live 8. Bloody hell.

''What about Live 8?!

''Come on, for f***'s sake!''

Are you his apprentice all of a sudden?

We've had a great night, but just tell us

about Live 8, for Christ's sake!

- Thank you very much. What?

- No pressure.

No pressure? None felt, mate.

- ''No pressure. l'll smack you, yer twat!''

- (Laughter)

OK. That'd be great if that was

quite a violent heckle from a bloke up there.

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