Ross Noble: Randomist Page #12

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''Tell us about Live 8

or l'll smash your face in!''

OK.

Don't make me unleash the dragon, mate.

l've no idea what that means.

l clearly don't have access to dragons.

Get a dog with a papier-mache head on.

lt's not really the same.

''Release the dragon!''

''Woof woof!

(Barking)

You're stood there with knuckle-dusters

going, ''l'm not really frightened of that.''

The... l find it physically impossible

to be aggressive.

l find it very, very hard

unless l'm on the phone

and then l'm great at it.

Oh, l was... l did... l lost me temper

with someone. l was...ahh!

Full-on on the phone recently, right?

ln Australia, actually.

You know how in this country, we still have

real people who answer the phones?

Albeit shaven monkeys that do their best,

do you know what l mean?

You know, that's why there's always a pause

when you ring directories. There's a brr brrr!

(Gibbering)

- 1 18-1 18.

- (Roar of laughter)

l was in Australia, right, and over there,

they don't have real people.

They have a computer that answers

the phone, which is weird.

Cos it's sort of, like... lt's meant to sort of

recognise your voice, then... But it doesn't.

lt doesn't work. You ring 'em up and it goes,

''G'day, you're through

to directory enquiries. How can l help ya?''

Cos for some reason

Steve lrwin does the voices.

Hello? ''Crikey! Danger, danger, danger!''

The... So l ring it up, right?

And l have a lot of that, right?

lf you do visit Australia,

you have to slow your voice down a little bit

cos people just... Not unlike you.

..just stare at you like that.

Know that look where somebody's looking

at you as if your face was a big lava lamp?

(Australian) ''What the f***'s he sayin'?''

''l don't f***ing know.''

l ring this thing up. lt goes, ''G'day, directory

enquiries, what service do you require?''

And as clear as l could, l went...

(Posh) ''Cinema.

''l require the cinema.''

l was quite posh about it.

''The cinema. l very much require the...''

l was like the Queen's Christmas message

by the end of it.

(As the Queen) ''Hello. My husband and l

''would like to go out

and watch something at the pictures.''

And l went ''cinema!''

And it offers you

what it thinks you've asked for.

Nothing like l asked for!

Cinema! lt goes like this... ''Click!''

''Do you require a bucket of otters?''

Bucket of otters! l wanted the cinema!

lt doesn't understand me accent!

''Cinema! l'd like a cinema!''

''Would you like a bucket of weevils?''

''No! l want a cinema!''

''Do you require a monkey

with a kaleidoscope sellotaped to its eye?''

''F***ing monkey with a... No!

l want a cinema!''

''Do you require a box of monkeys

with weevils sellotaped to their eyes?''

''No!'' (Shouts incoherently)

''l don't want a box of monkeys

or a bucket of weevils

''or a kaleidoscope!

''l just want a goddamn cinema!''

(Screams)

''Ahhh.''

Which is fine, right, except l didn't realise

after three attempts, it gets transferred

to a real human being. Yeah.

Some poor woman working in a call centre

in Australia turns up like this.

''Hi, guys, sorry l'm late. l'll get this one.

''G'day, how can l help you?

''l just want a goddamn cinema!''

''Er...

''There's a scary man on the phone!

''He's saying something about a monkey

with weevils for eyes!''

''Calm down, everything's fine.'' ''l don't know

how to handle it! l can't handle it!''

''Remember your training, everything's fine.''

''l dunno what's going on!

''l've got parsnips coming out me arse!

l've got parsnips!''

''You see, in a high-pressure

call centre situation,

''you never know

how someone's going to react.''

Anyway, the point is

l was doing this radio interview

just after the Live 8 documentary.

(Cheering)

Ah, it's obviously a popular topic.

She was going,

''Please, l haven't got long left.''

(Laughter)

So what it was, like l say,

all the pop stars were there, right.

Geldof, Midge Ure,

Bono!

They were doing the big charity event.

Like l say, l was live on the radio.

This wasn't pre-recorded.

This was as l spoke,

it was in people's homes

and if you're gonna say something offensive,

that's the time to do it.

Ohh, not just one or two people

in conversation,

a whole plethora of people

from different social backgrounds

all offended together as a community.

lt was an absolute belter.

Wrong, but very, very funny, right?

What happened was Geldof was there

doing his usual.

''Right. 20 years ago,

there was people f***ing dyin', right.

''20 f***ing bastard f***ing 20 bastard years

ago bastard f***ing bastard 20 years ago,

''f***ing people dyin'...''

Calm down, Geldof! What are you swearing

for? Have you got Tourette's, you mental?

''Sh*t bastard sh*t f***ing bastard, you...!

''Jesus, you moaning little bastard!''

He was going, ''20 years ago,

there were people dying, right?

''People dying, 20 years ago,

they were dying.''

That was me unhooking that there.

He didn't do that as a...

''They were dying!''

He was dressed as a one-man band.

''There were people dying.'' Boom-boom,

chicka-boom, chicka-boom, chicka-boom.

That'd be good if he rang everyone up and

they went, ''Sorry, Bob, we're a bit busy.''

''Oh, doesn't matter,

l've got a one-man band outfit.''

# Feed the... # Boom-boom-boom!

Doesn't have the same impact, does it?

A little dog with a neckerchief on.

''20 years ago, that dog was dying.''

''That's right, you know.''

''Dogs and cats like him die every day, right?

''Unless we stop puttin' them in baths,

these kittens...

''will float to the surface.

''And you can help just by simply

wiping your arse on the back.'' That's all.

So Geldof's there, right, and he's going,

''Right, 20 years ago...''

and he started pointing

at this starving African child.

''This child was dying, right, this starving...''

lt was on a monitor, TV monitor.

Wasn't just a child up in the...

Just on a shelf.

''Look at that child up there!

How did you get up there, for f***'s sake?''

(As child) l don't know.

''You're not African.'' ''l'm from Cramlington.''

(Laughter)

''This child was dying, right? This child...

This...'' l dunno where the child is now.

The child was on a jetpack!

''Where the bloody hell did you get

the money for that jetpack?!''

''l got it in eBay, it was going cheap.''

Whoo!

No, it was a child... This is serious, this!

There was this kid, a starving, dying

African child. ''This child was dying, right?''

And it was skinny and all flies on the face

and that.

l think they were flies.

Could've been Bono and his mates just...

''Piss off, Bono, what are you doing?

''l'm trying to do charity work here.''

There's Michael Buerk standing there

reporting for the news.

Starving African child.

l limped past in the background.

(Laughter)

''This child was dying, right,

this child was dying!

''Thanks to the work that we did,

that child is alive today.

''The child's alive today.''

And everyone in the...

''Apparently, it's alive, the child's alive.''

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