Ross Noble: Randomist Page #13

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And he goes, ''Not only that,

she's here tonight!''

Like some freaky

Surprise, Surprise sh*t going on.

''She's here tonight...'' And he introduced...

And this woman came in.

The same... 23 now.

The same child as in the picture.

The picture of health.

Not a hair out of place, beautiful woman!

Just walks in, stunning!

Just glides across the room like that.

The pop stars couldn't believe it, right?

Geldof starts crying, the lass is crying.

He's hugging her like that.

Midge Ure's crying, all the pop stars...

Even Bono and that's not easy

with them big glasses on.

The tears were flying out the side

and down there!

And l'm doing this radio interview

and the bloke on the radio described

what l've described to you.

He's got his headphones on and he went,

''Did you see it?

''Wasn't it the most touching and moving

thing you've ever seen in your life?''

- And l should've gone, ''Yes.''

- (Laughter)

And left it at that.

But l didn't. For some reason,

these words came out of my mouth.

''Yes, but wouldn't it have been funny...

''Wouldn't it have been funny...''

And it was one of them... Once you've said

those words, you're kind of committed.

Where do you go from there?

''Wouldn't it have been funny...''

And, you know, he held his headphones

like that and leant forward as if to say,

''Mm-hm?''

And his producer behind the glass with

her headphones on, she leant forward,

''Mm-hm?''

And l imagine thousands of people

listening live at home, holding cups of tea,

leant forward towards their radios,

''Mh-hm?''

One hand on the phone

just ready to complain.

l couldn't believe it. This is what happened.

He just went...

He just went, ''Did you see it on the telly?

''Wasn't it the most touching and moving

thing you've ever seen in your life?

''Wasn't it just touching and moving

and moving and touching

''and touching and moving...

''and touching...''

(Quietly) ''..and moving...''

(Silently)

(Laughter)

l said, ''Yes...

''it was touching and moving...''

(Quietly) ''..and moving and touching

''..and moving...''

(lnaudibly)

(Quietly) ''But wouldn't it have been funny...

''Wouldn't it have been funny...''

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

''Wouldn't it have been funny...

''..if Geldof...

''..Geldof...

''..Geldof...

''..if he'd...

''..if he'd got a great big fat lass

to come through the door?''

(Roar of laughter)

(Applause)

''We-e-e-e-e-ey!''

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure

talking to you. Thanks for coming. See you!

(Applause and cheering)

- Thank you very much!

- (Whistling and cheering)

- Thank you!

- (Cheering and applause)

Thank you very much!

- Any questions?

- (People shout questions)

Bloody hell, straightaway.

(Mocks shouting)

- Sorry, what? Go on.

- (Man shouts question)

What? ''Where's the meat flapper

and the string?''

Sorry about that. Look at that.

You come along for a show and you say...

(Gruffly) ''l hope he does

the meat on the face

''or l'll be very angry.''

Sorry, it's backstage in a special

meat presentation case. Yes.

- (Man) Fetch it out.

- What?

- (Man) Fetch it out.

- ''Fetch it out!''

That's brilliant.

''How, son, fetch it out. Fetch it out.''

What, are you 80 years old?

(Gruffly) ''Howay, son,

fetch it out, fetch it out.

''l'll show you how we used to operate

meat on the face years and years ago.

'''Course we never had meat in my day.

Had to use fine slices of turnip.

''Good job it wasn't parsnip, cos that's...''

- Any other questions?

- (Man) Ross!

Yes!

(Man) Unicycling to school.

What's your view on it?

You know bloody well

what my view on it is.

Unicycling to school? l might have

unicycled to school when l was a kid.

You know,

l was from quite a large circus family.

No, l did, l got meself a unicycle.

l don't know if

there's anyone from Cramlington in.

(Cheering)

Yeah, just glad

to be out of the house probably.

Erm...

There's not a huge amount happening

on the streets of Cramlington.

You know, tucked away in designated

meeting rooms, sure, you know,

but just generally, you know,

and l thought,

''Ooh, how can l spice things up a bit?

l know, l'll learn to ride a unicycle,''

thinking that would be a fun thing

for a young man to do, you know,

to while away the hours.

l didn't realise that, essentially, riding

a unicycle around the streets of Cramlington

was tantamount to tattooing

''Please kick the living sh*t out of me''

across your face.

You know, when you're lying there

and somebody's gobbing in your face

going, ''You're a freak!'' you just think,

''Bloody hell, l can see why the circus

doesn't visit.''

You know.

Billy Smart bleeding from the eyes,

going, ''Bloody 'ell. l only wanted

to show you some tricks.''

- Anything else before we wrap it up?

- (Men shout)

- What's my what?

- What's your favourite catchphrase?

What's my favourite catchphrase?

Oh, the work of Roy Walker.

''Say what you see.''

Roy...Catchphrase.

l...l used to love Catchphrase

for the fact that it was...

it was essentially...

it was a...it was a TV show for idiots,

wasn't it, really?

You know, they just had a...

had a picture like that

and it would be like a cookie

crumbling like that.

He'd go, ''What do you think it is?''

and somebody would go,

''Er...er, Roy,

is it, er...snap the biscuit?''

What? ''ls it snap the bi...

see how the biscuit snaps?''

What?

''ls it the Cookie Crew

likes to snap a biscuit?''

''No, it's not.

See how the cookie crumbles!''

''Oh.

''l don't know that one.''

lt was fantastic. l loved that show.

lt's only been surpassed,

in my eyes,

by, er...the same people

that used to go on Catchphrase

are now the same people that apply for

You Say We Pay on Richard and Judy.

Oh, l know some of you

probably have jobs and that but, um...

How...it's a picture, right,

and they have to describe it, right?

And l'm not making this up,

there was a genuine one, right,

it was a hamster...

it was a bloody hamster and he went,

''lt keeps you warm in winter.''

What?!

What are you,

the beast master or something?

lt keeps you warm in winter?!

''lt keeps you warm in winter.

ls that what it is, Richard? ls it...''

lmagine how freaky

Richard Madeley would be

if he actually went,

''Yeah, is it a hamster?

''Yes, oh, it is! Yeah, cos Judy and l,

we can't help ourselves.

''We're all...in our house, 'Oh, Judy,

it's a little bit chilly in here, isn't it?'

'''l'll fetch the hamsters, Richard, yeah.'''

That'll be right,

walking out in a live hamster coat

with a big Davy Crockett style

hamster hat on.

''Ooh, brilliant, where's that cheese gone?

You hamster bastards.''

''lsn't that mice that eat cheese?''

''Yeah, but you know, rodents,

they are all the same.''

One person - this is another one

that was on...er...on that -

it was a picture of an apple

and somebody had to describe it

not using the word apple.

You know what they said? ''Er...

''not an orange.''

Not an orange?!

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