Ross Noble: Randomist Page #14

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That isn't a b... What?!

Essentially, what you've done there

is described everything, haven't you?

What chance have Richard and Judy got

of guessing that?

That was a genuine one,

''Not an orange.''

''ls it an oboe?'' ''No.''

''Er...'' (Panting)

''Oh, God! l don't know.''

''ls it a polystyrene effigy

of Ayatollah Khomeini?''

''No, it's not. Come on, keep guessing,

keep guessing.''

You Say We Pay, l love it.

Any other questions?

- (People shout questions)

- What?

Does my wife think l'm funny?

Depends on what context

l'm being funny in.

She...l made her laugh,

and l feel we're friends, l'll tell you this,

but this is a bit dodgy, but l'll tell you.

The...er...

me and me wife killed a man...

No, we didn't.

l'm joking. (Laughs)

l just wanted to dispel

the tension there cos you all went...

''lt's a bit dodgy!''

The...yeah. No, we were...

we were having a Chinese meal, right,

with a couple of friends of ours, right,

that were over from Australia

and l says. ''Oh, Ken Hom,''

right, you know Ken Hom?

''No, who's Ken Hom?''

The...um...the...

Ken Hom, Chinese... Ooh, hello.

''Mmah! Ken Hom.

He said the magic words.

''l've won a toaster.''

We went to this restaurant, right,

and it was all fancy and everything

and l said this thing

cos l thought it was funny,

realising that, really,

one, l shouldn't have said it out loud,

and two, l shouldn't have allowed

a) our friends to hear this

and two, everyone else

on the table around to hear, right?

l thought it was very funny.

We went around... You get fortune cookies,

you know, after the meal.

And you open it up

and everyone goes around

and l'm just going, ''Aw, don't

read 'em out cos everyone's listening

''to hear what our fortune's going to be

on the other tables,'' you know.

lt's not scientific but, you know,

so they are opening them up

and like, you know,

one of our friends goes,

''Oh, it says here

a wise man can learn more from fools

''than a fool can from wise,'' right?

Standard fortune cookie bullshit, right?

So they're going around

and they're all pretty dull.

And then it gets to me

and l thought for a bit of a laugh

l'll just say something out of order.

So l opened it up and l went,

''Ooh.''

And they all went, ''What?''

And l went, ''You have AlDS.''

And...

My wife laughed

like l've never seen somebody laugh.

She exploded with laughter. The...the

glitter tears were rolling down her face.

And it's one of the things...

And like our friends just stared like that

going, ''You shouldn't have said that

out loud.''

But there was people on the other tables

who had obviously been earwigging in,

going, ''Oh? Ooh.''

Yeah, l love all that, wisdom and stuff.

There was...

l was, er... l was in a Little Chef, right.

Oh, rock and roll for me!

There was a menu in the Little Chef, right,

and it was trying to entice...

They can't just let you decide.

lt can't just be

''Starter, main course, pudding.

''lf you want one, have one.

''lf you don't, we'll leave it.''

They have to give a little thing

just to try and get you to have...

And it said on there, it said,

''Why not try one of our desserts?

''Go on, you only live once.'' Right?

Just you know, like a little enticement

to try and...''Go on, you only live once.''

l thought, ''lt's a bit of a blow

for the Buddhists, isn't it?''

Do you know what l mean?

What a way to find out that everything

you believe in is bollocks.

Do you know what l mean?

''Oh, look at this, Brian.

''Turns out there's no eternal life

with a possible chance of nirvana.

''According to this,

we only actually live once!

''Ah! Damn you, Little Chef!''

- Any other questions?

- (Man) What will you get for Christmas?

What am l getting for Christmas?

Ooh, l don't really know.

l've asked for surprises,

to be honest with you.

lt'll probably be sh*t.

No, this is a true story, right, and he'll

bloody kill us cos he's in tonight.

The, er...you know my dad, right,

got me for Christmas one year...

- and l'll never let him for...

- (Man) A tambourine?

Good answer, but no. Look at that.

God, you've got a good memory,

''Was it a tambourine?''

You've memorised

every show l've ever done.

''He mentioned...he mentioned

a tambourine. Was it? Was it? Eh?''

''This is brilliant.

He said there was gonna be a quiz.''

That'd be great if l went ''No'' and

somebody else guessed something else,

and then all we heard is ''Moo!''

''Who brought them three bulls in?''

''l thought l'd save you

trying to find a place.''

No, my dad, right, this is the honest truth

and l keep going on about this

and l wanted a mountain bike, right,

cos l had a Grifter,

and l don't know if you...

if you ever went on a Grifter.

lt was essentially just

scaffolding poles, right?

Big, thick, heavy scaffolding poles.

You know, everyone else was on BMXes

flying around and stuff.

The Grifter was only any good

for ploughing. That's all it could...

lf you went down on a Grifter, that was it,

you were over for good.

Paramedics and fire

engines pulling the thing up like that.

''Get his leg out! lt's crushed!''

And l wanted a mountain bike, right?

l wanted a big, red, er...

a Raleigh Mastiff l believe it was called.

And you know what me dad got me

instead of a mountain bike?

l know you're probably thinking,

''Did he get you a shitty old Chopper?''

No, he didn't. ''Did he get you

some other crappy bike?'' No.

- l'll tell you what he got me. A what?

- (Man shouts)

A unicycle? l paid for that meself!

- (Woman shouts)

- l'll tell you what he got me

instead of a mountain bike.

He got me a cork notice board.

l'm not making it up.

A cork notice board.

Where's the leap between

mountain bike, cork notice board?

How in your wildest dreams do those two

ever get linked together?

''Oh, he wants a mountain bike.

Mm. l'll get him a notice board.''

You know, so now whenever journalists go,

''So, Ross,

why did you become a comedian?''

l'll just go, ''Exhibit A, cork notice board.''

Anything else,

and then we really should wrap it up.

- (Man) Craig David!

- What do l think of Craig David?

l think that he should be slowly

fed into an industrial thresher.

R-r-r-r-r-r-r!

(As Craig David) # Mm-hm, ooh-ooh,

l'm getting fed into a thresher

# Ooh

# l'm getting fed!

Fed into a thresher

# Look at me getting fed... #

R-r-r-r-r-r!

He'd probably try and make love

to the thresher.

So that's a nice bit of lovemaking.

There's one thing you must never do

when making love, right?

This is a... and take... l've learnt this

from personal experience, right?

- When making sweet love...

- (Man shouting)

lt's worse than that, mate.

Yeah, but thanks for your input on that.

''Don't call out the wrong name.'' Yes.

Are you speaking

from personal experience there?

Oh. You just out of nowhere like that,

just making sweet love and just thinking,

''Right, don't call out the wrong name.

''Whatever happens,

don't call out the wrong...

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