Rough Night

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1

Woman, you know you're a woman

You got to be...

- There she is. Hey.

- Hi, guys.

All right, baby girl.

You go, baby girl.

You go, baby girl. You go, you go get it.

Yes!

- You're my baby...

- Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba...

No, no, no, don't make it.

- Oh!

- Damn it!

Oh... Yes!

- Nope. I absolute...

- I got this. I got this.

- I absolutely can't do it.

- Come on, Jess!

But remember, this is

a stupid frat boy ritual, so...

Yeah, but kick their ass!

- Yeah, f*** 'em up!

- Hey.

- We're together.

- No.

Cool, cool, cool.

Yes.

Yeah, go, Jess!

Dude!

Oh, God. Oh, God, Jess.

Only two cups left.

No, there's one cup.

You're just seeing double.

Oh, God! There's only one cups left.

- Oh, I can't do it. It's too much pressure.

- What?

- I can't do it, Jess.

- Look...

- Look at me. Look at me.

- Mmm-hmm?

You got us through

the Wendy's drive-through

when my car had no windshield

and three tires.

You can do anything.

Yeah, but everybody's watching me,

and I'm sweating like crazy.

I look like a princess,

but I smell like a peasant.

Let's go, foot job girl!

Excuse me, she has a name! It's Alice.

And she's my best friend,

and she's good and kind.

Yeah!

Thank you, but I did jerk off

his roommate with my feet.

I... I know.

The key is, right foot

only for, like, a while.

- You know? Make him beg for...

- The left one. I know. Focus!

If we win this, we will be the only girls

to ever win the Halloween tournament.

We've got to do this.

For womankind.

Stop making me horny, and shoot!

Everybody in this b*tch gettin' tipsy...

We did it!

We did it! We did it!

- I want up! I want up! I want up!

- You deserve it.

You've earned it.

Here we go. All right. All right, yes!

I'm the king of the world!

Oh!

Oh. Again?

- Dude. Oh, God.

- Jess?

Are you all right?

- Oh, my God, are you okay?

- Dude. Come on. Come on.

- I'm fine, Mom.

- Oh, my God.

What happened?

Honestly, I don't even know

why we go to these stupid parties.

I just want to hang out with you guys.

- I know. I feel the same way.

- Yes!

Everyone else at this college

is sloppy and gross.

- Water.

- Wait, come here.

Oh.

- Ugh!

- Mmm. Not bad.

Who's grosser?

What is that?

- What is that?

- What's happening?

Oh, it's my vibrator,

it randomly turns on and off.

Oh, my God, you guys,

I'm gonna miss you so much next semester.

- I don't want to talk about it.

- It's sad.

- No, no, no, no.

- Dude,

Al Gore is guest-lecturing next semester.

Maybe you don't want to go to Australia.

I don't know.

- Yeah.

- On my 21st birthday, though,

my dad's getting us the chopper.

I said I don't want to talk about it.

So I don't know what's happening.

I don't even want to go. I just...

It was so hard to get into

the political science program.

And plus, my gym class

is bungee jumping, so...

Oh, my God, wear a good bra.

Well, look, we'll have

all of senior year together,

and then we'll have the rest of

our lives together, so it's fine.

- Yeah.

- You promise?

You guys, our kids are gonna play together.

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my gosh!

- We're so lucky!

- Get in here! Come here.

Oh. Mmm!

- Okay, that is a second vibrator.

- Yeah, I have a few.

Just... Just, yeah.

- No!

- Janine, no!

- No! No! No!

- Janine, get out!

- Come on.

- Janine!

Oh, my God! Stop!

- Bathroom is next-door!

- Cannot believe!

- Every damn weekend with this!

- Stop! She's already peeing.

Janine!

Whoo!

What! What!

Hi. I'm Jessica Thayer,

and I'm running for state senate.

Crime, underfunded schools, sewage.

These are real problems

that our community is facing.

Looking forward to your vote on November 3.

Thank you.

- It's great.

- Well, 60% of the focus group

did say that it seemed

like you wouldn't put out.

What? Why are they being asked that?

Don't know, but 60% is, like, a lot.

- Yeah.

- We're still so close.

I don't understand,

Wesson literally tweeted out a dick pic.

He apologized.

Yes. He said, "I'm sorry, wrong dick pic,"

and then he tweeted out another one.

Look, if Wesson wins, he's literally

gonna cut every single program

that actually helps people.

We know that. Right?

But people want to vote

for someone they can relate to.

They feel safe with Wesson.

They want to have a beer with him.

I'm not sure anyone

wants to have a beer with that.

Oh.

Hey, Alice.

Hey. I am so excited for this trip.

I got my IUD taken out for Miami.

Um, is that a good idea?

Uh, yeah. It's your bachelorette weekend.

Jess, Wesson tweeted out another dick pic,

and it's already got 10,000 retweets.

Alice, I... I got to call you back.

Tulum, give her back her Kindle!

Every f***in' day.

- Hey.

- Mmm. Hey.

I'm so sorry. I got stuck at the office.

It's okay.

Mmm.

- I got you chicken cashew nut, extra nut.

- Oh, no.

I ate an apple

and a bag of very, very

stale pretzels at the office.

It was so hard to get extra nut.

That woman is so mean.

She yells at me all the time.

She thought I hung up,

but I heard her call me a dipshit.

- How much did you tip?

- 20%.

- I know. I know, I know.

- Yeah. Like, I couldn't. I...

You're just such a good person.

Oh, it's Alice. I forgot to call her back.

- It's okay, get it.

- No. I can't, I can't, I can't.

- Enough with my bachelorette itinerary.

- Ah.

- Like, she's planned it to the half hour.

- Wow.

Yeah, I feel like this weekend

has come at the worst possible time.

I'm so stressed out.

You'll see your friends, you'll have fun.

It'll be restorative.

Like that time we took Xanax

and slept for 16 hours.

Oh, God, that was good.

You know, I love those girls,

but I really just don't want to

have a party weekend right now.

- Mmm-hmm.

- I want to have a weekend with you.

- I miss you.

- Mmm-hmm. I miss you, too.

- You've been at the office, like, nonstop.

- I know.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Wait, wait, one... If we keep kissing,

I'm gonna want to have sex.

I'm okay with that.

- I'm down.

- Okay.

But I have, like, four things

I have to do before.

I just have to print out those itineraries

for the city council meeting.

And I have to email the Herald.

I have, like, a 25-minute-ish interview.

- Ooh. Okay.

- I...

I tell you what, I'm gonna

let you do all that,

and I'm gonna go masturbate

in the shower and go to sleep.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- You're the best.

- Well...

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

- So, I texted you the address.

- Jess! Shots! Shots!

Shots, shots, shots, shots! Shots! Shots!

Shots, shots, shots!

Yay! Yes!

Oh, my God.

- What's on my head?

- This is it.

Your bachelorette weekend.

I have been waiting for this moment

since the first day of freshman year.

- Get in here.

- You have?

Oh, my God, there's gonna be

so many hot Miami babes.

We are gonna be swimmin' in dick, girl!

Hi, Alice.

- Peter. Hi.

- Hey.

And get out of here, she's mine now.

Don't get in too much trouble, okay?

- Yeah, I won't.

- Let's go, let's do it.

Drive safe.

Have fun at your bachelor party, okay?

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