Ruggles of Red Gap Page #9

In my cradle of love...

That was my own idea.

I know it.

Oh, I want a lovin' baby

And it might as well be you...

- Oh, would that be asking too much?

- Why, of course not, no.

- I mean two booms.

- Oh, I see. Yes.

Oh, I want a lovin' baby

And it might as well be you...

Oh.

Oh, was that your drum?

You couldn't sew it up, I don't suppose?

No. Oh.

Buy a new one, will you?

Buy two, one for me.

I'm sure Lord Burnstead will forgive us

for not waiting for him any longer.

He'll join us, I know,

just as soon as he's finished

his conversation on the telephone,

which I'm sure must be terribly important.

Possibly a...a message from the King

or possibly from the, er...

Mayor of Canada.

Er...possibly.

Well, shall we begin?

Why not?

Go on, pitch in.

You come on in here

where you can't spill drinks all over me.

Oh, I'm so sorry but I'm just not myself.

Now, you sit down and tell me

what's the matter. Come on.

Oh, I don't see how they can go on

having a good time

when maybe he's... Oh, you know.

- Who? What are you talking about?

- Colonel Ruggles.

I think he jumped in the river.

No! Why should he want to do that?

Oh, on account of a woman.

She treated him something awful.

- Who told you that?

- I was there.

Oh, she said some terrible things to him

and I just know that...

- Why, say, this is serious!

- That's what I say.

Well, we gotta get busy right away.

- Oh, will you?

- Well, yes, I'll round up the boys.

Hey, fellers, look-a-here!

Get on your hats and coats.

I got something for you to do.

- It is a ghost! Oh, you didn't do it!

- Colonel Ruggles is missin'!

Follow me.

We'll get going right away. I...

Er...well, the searching party's off.

Look-a-here, Bill, what's the idea

of wanderin' around scarin' women?

I thought the Indians had got you,

Ruggles. Glad to see you.

I am glad to see you, my lord.

I'm sorry I wasn't at the station

to meet you, my lord.

That's all right.

Er...might I have a word

with you alone, my lord?

Why, I should think so. Why not?

Come on, old timer,

let's leave them alone.

- I don't understand.

- Get them a drink.

She tells me he's in the river

and he ain't even wet.

Something wrong, Ruggles?

I've had a terrible day,

my lord, a...a terrific fight.

- Oh. Were you outnumbered?

- An even match, my lord.

- A woman?

- No, my lord. I was fighting with myself.

- Did you win?

- A decisive victory, my lord.

Oh, stout feller!

I didn't think you had it in you.

Er...you'll find me rather a changed man,

my lord.

I don't know quite how to tell you

but here in Red Gap

I am considered important.

Quite a personage.

Yes, Colonel Ruggles, isn't it?

Yes, my lord. Colonel Marmaduke

Ruggles of the Coldstream Guards.

- A horrible mistake, my lord.

- Quite, if there should be a war.

Yes.

Nevertheless, my lord,

when people think you are someone,

you begin to think you are.

That's what I've been fighting about

with myself all day, my lord.

Am I someone or am I not?

Well, I only just got here,

you see, so I wouldn't know.

Oh, I am someone, my lord.

Oh, let me be the first to congratulate

you. How did you ever find it out?

Ah. You recollect

an Abraham Lincoln, my lord?

Oh, yes, fellow with the cherry tree.

- Er...no, my lord.

- Er...no?

At any rate, my lord, I am genuinely

sorry to have to tell you

that I shall not be returning with you

to London, I am remaining in Red Gap.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Ruggles.

It's no use, my lord.

My mind is made up.

I am entering trade,

my lord, a restaurant.

Oh, it's no good for you, Ruggles.

You haven't got the background for trade.

Nevertheless, my lord, I intend to try.

Oh, I never knew you to be

so obstinate before, really.

Still, something tells me

that we'll be back in London.

- Oh, excuse me. Here are your drinks.

- Oh. Hm.

Well, here's to London.

Here is to The Anglo-American Grill,

my lord.

Ha-ha. Yes.

Oh!

Mm, we should be all right.

Ready in ten minutes.

- Oh, they love your meat sauce.

- You mean our meat sauce.

Because I added a few drops of this

and a little bit of that.

Did you?

- Colonel, are we dressed all right?

- Indeed, yes, sir.

Table for four.

Thank you. Hello.

- Hello, Egbert!

- Hello, George!

- You remember Effie, boys.

- Howdy, Effie!

Make way for a lady,

you laughing hyenas!

You're losing your petticoat, Ma!

Hey, Sourdough,

where did you get the lid?

From Paris, France! Ain't it terrible?

Hold onto that hat.

It cost me 20 dollars.

Hello, Maude. Hello, Frank.

- Hello...why, hello, Fred!

- Howdy, Sourdough.

- How's everything? Hello, Soph.

- How are you?

Well, Bill, you're kinda dressed up,

ain't you?

Hello, Bill.

Where do you want us to squat?

Heh-heh. Yeah, ain't Bill

movin' around, though, huh?

Oh, Effie, where is Lord Burnstead?

He must have been delayed.

He's a very busy man, you know.

- Ruggles.

- Yes, madam?

Where's Lord Burnstead?

I understood he was coming with you,

madam.

He was but he didn't.

I can't understand it.

Lord Burnstead probably didn't care

to come to a place like this.

A nice party this is going to be,

without our guest of honour.

You don't know where George is,

do you?

- Who, George?

- Shh.

George? No, I ain't seen George all day.

No, the left-hand side.

Look-a-here, Effie, you're

taking this thing too much to heart.

Try a little of our meat sauce, sir.

Haven't you any catsup?

Oh, never mind. I'll eat when I get home.

What you want is...

what you want is...is...

some more of this imprisoned laughter

of the pleasant maids of France.

- What's wrong now?

- Nothing wrong with the food.

What happened?

I suppose it's wrong to hate anybody,

but I dislike Belknap-Jackson very much.

I'm gonna get you

something for your nerves.

- No, my nerves are quite all right.

- Oh, but I am.

No, I'm all right.

Oh, Effie?

Where can Lord Burnstead be?

I told you he's a very busy man.

He's a man of affairs.

- Have a good time.

- Thanks a lot, old man.

Oh, Effie?

- Hi, Nell!

- Hello, Egbert!

Hello, Nell! Well, Admiral!

Say, where have you been?

- Effie's been looking for you.

- Oh, dear. I'm sorry.

- Dear, oh, dear! I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, sit down, sit down, Bill.

- I have no excuse at all.

- No?

No. It...it must have been

the excitement, probably.

- Excitement?

- Yes.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

- Oh, no, no.

- No, no.

Neither did we but, er...

Darling, just a minute.

I mean, look. You see?

Well, you old mossback, you.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you, old boy.

What's the matter with you, Nell?

You been losing your mind?

- She's going to be my countess.

- She's going to be a countess!

- Sit down, won't you? Come on!

- Yeah, Bill, let's have another chair.

Sit right down here, Admiral. And, Nell,

you sit right next to him there.

This is gonna be my party

on account of my knowing Nell

longer than anybody here.

- Oh, Egbert?

- Yes.

Egbert, I'm going to be

matron of honour

and we're gonna have

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