Runaway Bride Page #2

IKE:

I give up.

MAN:

She has the next victim all lined up.

She's twirling another body on the

spit.

Ike stops in his tracks. He turns back around in spite of

himself.

MAN:

(beginning his story)

Imagine if you will, a small town in

Maryland...

CUT TO:

INT. IKE'S APARTMENT - DUSK

Ike sits at his computer, cassette player with Miles Davis PLAYS

next to him as he types away reading his handiwork to himself.

IKE:

(reading)

"Today is a day of profound

introspection, I have been accused

of using this column to direct bitter

diatribes at the opposite sex! This

uncomfortable accusation has plunged me

into at least fifteen minutes of

serious reflection, from which I have

emerged with the conclusion that, yes

-- I traffic in female stereotypes."

EXT. USA TODAY OFFICE - DAY

FISHER walks through the main office reading the paper.

FISHER:

"But how can one blame me when every

time I step out my front door I meet

fresh proof that the female archetypes

are alive and well? Te mother, the

virgin, the whore, the crone; they're

elbowing you in the subway, stealing

your cabs, and overwhelming you with

perfume in elevators."

INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Elaine at her desk reads aloud to herself.

ELAINE:

"But perhaps, in fairness to the fairer

sex, I do need to broaden my horizon

and add some new goddesses to the

pantheon:
I would like to nominate for

deity..."

Fisher hands a file to Elaine.

FISHER:

"... The cheerleader, the coed, and the

man-eater, the last of which concerns me

most today."

Fisher leaves and we hold a USA Today sign.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY

The Man comes out of the men's room reading the USA Today,

Kevin, the Bartender, stands on the bar reading the same

article.

MAN:

(reads)

"To be fair, the man-eater isn't

exactly new. In Ancient Greece, this

fearsome female was known as Erinys,

the devouring death goddess. In India,

she is Kali, who likes to devour her

boyfriend Shiva's entrails while her

yoni devour his -- dot dot dot, never

mind. In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed

man-eater is called Ragma..."

Te Man sits at the bar near to the Bartender.

BARTENDER:

You noticed these are all countries

without cable.

(then, continues

reading)

"... And in Hale, Maryland where she

helps run the family hardware store.

She is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter

..."

(mispronounces)

".... AKA, the Runaway Bride."

CUT TO:

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY

WORKERS read the above article.

INT./EXT. BEAUTY PARLOR / HALE, MARYLAND - DAY

PEGGY and MRS. PRESSMAN exit the parlor and stroll down the

street. (lowers her paper and reads.)

PEGGY (cont'd)

"... And in Hale, Maryland where she

helps run the family hardware store."

(to the Women)

We have to go to Maggie. Cindy, mind

the shop.

(exits salon;

continues reading)

"... She is known as Miss Maggie

Carpenter, AKA, the Runaway Bride."

MRS. PRESSMAN

Holy moly.

The older one, Mrs. Pressman, listens with a pained expression

as the younger one, Peggy, continues to read the column aloud.

Neither one can believe what they're reading.

PEGGY:

(reads)

"What is unusual about Miss Carpenter

is that she likes to dress her men up

as grooms before she devours them. She

has already disemboweled six in a row

by leaving them at the altar."... I

can't ready anymore.

MRS. PRESSMAN

(takes paper from

her, reads)

"And her ritual feast continues as she

prepares to make a sacrifice out of the

seventh fiance. So all bets are on and

we hope that this boomerang bride isn't

honeymooning with Las Vegas odds makers

because many predict that this girl is

out of there before the race... before

the rice hits the ground"

(then)

Holy moly.

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman step into a hardware store.

INT. HARDWARE STORE - CONTINUOUS

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman enter, worried.

MRS. PRESSMAN

You tell Maggie.

PEGGY:

No, you tell her.

MRS. PRESSMAN

No, no. You're her best friend.

PEGGY:

No.

MRS. PRESSMAN

(holding her

newspaper)

You know, it's just possible that she

hasn't read this yet.

PEGGY:

Yeah.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Maybe she hasn't read the paper...

On the counter, they see a copy of USA Today opened to the

article about Maggie.

MRS. PRESSMAN (cont'd)

... Or not!

We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs inside The Hale Hardware

Store, the prettiest, most welcoming shop of its kind anywhere

in small town USA. Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of

the owner's daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness,

charm, and possibility. Maggie comes down steps with a faucet

handle and goes to an elderly customer, MR. PAXTON.

MAGGIE:

(bright)

Here we go! One antique hot water

handle with the "HOT" still on it,

guaranteed to fit any American Standard

cast iron tub with a four-inch center

made between 1924 and 1938. In other

words, I think you're out of the

doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.

MR. PAXTON

(amazed)

Hallelujah.

MAGGIE:

Alright, Mr. Paxton, I'll put it on

your account.

Maggie rounds the bend, another customer, EARL, stands by the

paint machine.

EARL:

Maggie.

MAGGIE:

(walking past customer)

You don't need an air conditioner, Earl,

you just need an attic fan -- There's

more in the back.

Maggie steps behind the front counter of the store and takes the

account book out. Her voice trails off as she sees the dour

expression on the faces of her friends.

MAGGIE (cont'd)

What?

Peggy nervously mentions the newspaper.

PEGGY:

(delicate)

So -- Mag -- you've seen this, huh?

MAGGIE:

(serious)

Yes, I've seen it. And I have to say

it's the rudest and most offensive...

joke anybody's ever played on me!

To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling.

MAGGIE (cont'd)

You guys! How long did this take you?

Maggie stays amused.

MAGGIE (cont'd)

Where'd you get this done?

(laughing)

You creeps! I should disinvite you!

And why did you say seven times? This

is four.

PEGGY:

Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette

jokes, so we didn't...

Maggie looks at the stricken face of her friends.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Holy moly.

Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy for Maggie.

Maggie is starting to feel uncomfortable. She looks down,

dubiously, at the paper.

MAGGIE:

Um, you know, now would be a good

moment to tell me this is fake.

(no response)

It won't be funny if you drag it out.

Okay?

(no response)

Okay, well... I mean, I can find out...

Real newspapers smear. Phoney papers

don't.

She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving

an INK SMEAR!!

She nearly kneels over.

MAGGIE (cont'd)

(sitting)

Bag.

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side. They

give her a bag to breathe in.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Bag.

CUT TO:

INT. MAGGIE'S WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT

We see Maggie kickboxing in anger. The radio is on. She

suddenly stops, yanks Ike's article off the wall, leaves her

workout area and goes to her desk.

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