Runaway Bride Page #2
IKE:
I give up.
MAN:
She has the next victim all lined up.
She's twirling another body on the
spit.
Ike stops in his tracks. He turns back around in spite of
himself.
MAN:
(beginning his story)
Imagine if you will, a small town in
Maryland...
CUT TO:
INT. IKE'S APARTMENT - DUSK
Ike sits at his computer, cassette player with Miles Davis PLAYS
next to him as he types away reading his handiwork to himself.
IKE:
(reading)
"Today is a day of profound
introspection, I have been accused
of using this column to direct bitter
diatribes at the opposite sex! This
uncomfortable accusation has plunged me
into at least fifteen minutes of
serious reflection, from which I have
emerged with the conclusion that, yes
-- I traffic in female stereotypes."
FISHER walks through the main office reading the paper.
FISHER:
"But how can one blame me when every
time I step out my front door I meet
fresh proof that the female archetypes
are alive and well? Te mother, the
virgin, the whore, the crone; they're
elbowing you in the subway, stealing
your cabs, and overwhelming you with
perfume in elevators."
INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Elaine at her desk reads aloud to herself.
ELAINE:
"But perhaps, in fairness to the fairer
sex, I do need to broaden my horizon
and add some new goddesses to the
pantheon:
I would like to nominate fordeity..."
Fisher hands a file to Elaine.
FISHER:
"... The cheerleader, the coed, and the
man-eater, the last of which concerns me
most today."
Fisher leaves and we hold a USA Today sign.
CUT TO:
The Man comes out of the men's room reading the USA Today,
Kevin, the Bartender, stands on the bar reading the same
article.
MAN:
(reads)
"To be fair, the man-eater isn't
exactly new. In Ancient Greece, this
fearsome female was known as Erinys,
the devouring death goddess. In India,
she is Kali, who likes to devour her
boyfriend Shiva's entrails while her
yoni devour his -- dot dot dot, never
mind. In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed
man-eater is called Ragma..."
Te Man sits at the bar near to the Bartender.
BARTENDER:
You noticed these are all countries
without cable.
(then, continues
reading)
"... And in Hale, Maryland where she
helps run the family hardware store.
She is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter
..."
(mispronounces)
".... AKA, the Runaway Bride."
CUT TO:
EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY
WORKERS read the above article.
INT./EXT. BEAUTY PARLOR / HALE, MARYLAND - DAY
PEGGY and MRS. PRESSMAN exit the parlor and stroll down the
street. (lowers her paper and reads.)
PEGGY (cont'd)
"... And in Hale, Maryland where she
helps run the family hardware store."
(to the Women)
We have to go to Maggie. Cindy, mind
the shop.
(exits salon;
continues reading)
"... She is known as Miss Maggie
Carpenter, AKA, the Runaway Bride."
MRS. PRESSMAN
Holy moly.
The older one, Mrs. Pressman, listens with a pained expression
as the younger one, Peggy, continues to read the column aloud.
Neither one can believe what they're reading.
PEGGY:
(reads)
"What is unusual about Miss Carpenter
is that she likes to dress her men up
as grooms before she devours them. She
has already disemboweled six in a row
by leaving them at the altar."... I
can't ready anymore.
MRS. PRESSMAN
(takes paper from
her, reads)
"And her ritual feast continues as she
prepares to make a sacrifice out of the
seventh fiance. So all bets are on and
we hope that this boomerang bride isn't
honeymooning with Las Vegas odds makers
because many predict that this girl is
out of there before the race... before
the rice hits the ground"
(then)
Holy moly.
Peggy and Mrs. Pressman step into a hardware store.
INT. HARDWARE STORE - CONTINUOUS
Peggy and Mrs. Pressman enter, worried.
MRS. PRESSMAN
You tell Maggie.
PEGGY:
No, you tell her.
MRS. PRESSMAN
No, no. You're her best friend.
PEGGY:
No.
MRS. PRESSMAN
(holding her
newspaper)
You know, it's just possible that she
hasn't read this yet.
PEGGY:
Yeah.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Maybe she hasn't read the paper...
On the counter, they see a copy of USA Today opened to the
article about Maggie.
MRS. PRESSMAN (cont'd)
... Or not!
We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs inside The Hale Hardware
Store, the prettiest, most welcoming shop of its kind anywhere
in small town USA. Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of
the owner's daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness,
charm, and possibility. Maggie comes down steps with a faucet
handle and goes to an elderly customer, MR. PAXTON.
MAGGIE:
(bright)
Here we go! One antique hot water
handle with the "HOT" still on it,
guaranteed to fit any American Standard
cast iron tub with a four-inch center
made between 1924 and 1938. In other
words, I think you're out of the
doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.
MR. PAXTON
(amazed)
Hallelujah.
MAGGIE:
Alright, Mr. Paxton, I'll put it on
your account.
Maggie rounds the bend, another customer, EARL, stands by the
paint machine.
EARL:
Maggie.
MAGGIE:
(walking past customer)
You don't need an air conditioner, Earl,
you just need an attic fan -- There's
more in the back.
Maggie steps behind the front counter of the store and takes the
account book out. Her voice trails off as she sees the dour
expression on the faces of her friends.
MAGGIE (cont'd)
What?
Peggy nervously mentions the newspaper.
PEGGY:
(delicate)
So -- Mag -- you've seen this, huh?
MAGGIE:
(serious)
Yes, I've seen it. And I have to say
it's the rudest and most offensive...
joke anybody's ever played on me!
To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling.
MAGGIE (cont'd)
You guys! How long did this take you?
Maggie stays amused.
MAGGIE (cont'd)
Where'd you get this done?
(laughing)
You creeps! I should disinvite you!
And why did you say seven times? This
is four.
PEGGY:
Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette
jokes, so we didn't...
Maggie looks at the stricken face of her friends.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Holy moly.
Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy for Maggie.
Maggie is starting to feel uncomfortable. She looks down,
dubiously, at the paper.
MAGGIE:
Um, you know, now would be a good
moment to tell me this is fake.
(no response)
It won't be funny if you drag it out.
Okay?
(no response)
Okay, well... I mean, I can find out...
Real newspapers smear. Phoney papers
don't.
She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving
an INK SMEAR!!
MAGGIE (cont'd)
(sitting)
Bag.
Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side. They
give her a bag to breathe in.
MRS. PRESSMAN
Bag.
CUT TO:
INT. MAGGIE'S WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT
We see Maggie kickboxing in anger. The radio is on. She
suddenly stops, yanks Ike's article off the wall, leaves her
workout area and goes to her desk.
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"Runaway Bride" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/runaway_bride_748>.
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