Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies

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(# Kasabian:
Club Foot)

(Cheering)

Ladies and gentlemen...

please welcome to the stage...

Russell Howard!

(Cheering)

Hello!

Well!

Well, well, well!

That was a fairly nice welcome.

Thank you very much!

l love it here. l love Brighton, it's fantastic.

What l love is how people go,

''F***in' watch out! lt's full of poofs.''

''And?''

''They'll get you!''

- ''They'll get me?''

- (Laughter)

''They're gays, not ninjas.

- ''They're not gonna...''

- (Laughter)

''..leap out of the window, bum me and

escape on a death slide, l'll be all right.''

- lt's not like that!

- (Laughter)

You don't drive into Brighton and have gay

men banging their wangs against your car.

Stop it, you beasts! (Honks)

Stop it!

# l am what l am!

Cock-waggling bastards!

(Laughter)

There's just a few of them

and they're very nice.

l like it here. You had a good day?

How's Brighton? ls it fun?

What's the best thing about Brighton?

- (Man) Leaving!

- Leaving?

(Laughter)

Well, it's gonna be a lovely gig

when the crowd are funnier than l am!

''l'll deal with this everybody.

Leavin'. Have that.

''l'm Terry. l don't f*** around

with my heckles. l just get the job done!''

(Laughter)

- What do you do, mate?

- l'm a sales manager.

Oh, you're up there?

What do you sell? How aggressive.

''Whatever they f***in' want.

That's what l sell.

''Oi! Old lady!''

''Yes?''

''You're gonna buy an iPhone, all right?''

''Yes.''

''You're gonna buy five of them.''

''OK.''

She's quite a crippled old lady.

You son of a b*tch!

- What do you sell?

- Mercedes.

Mercedes?

- Do you f***! Look at you!

- (Laughter)

''Mercedes!'' That's just the name

of one of your prostitutes.

''Mercedes, Debonair...''

The Brighton pimp.

''She's Mercedes.

''She'll wank you off and give you

a Ferrero Rocher and pop it up your arse.''

- (Laughter)

- Bit much that, bit much.

You all looked so...

''Ah! No, l don't think so.

''We don't put Ferrero Rochers up people...''

Has anyone ever had that?

As if you'd admit to it on a DVD.

''l'm doing it now! Oh!''

l've often thought, sexually, it'd be quite nice,

you know when water's in your ear...

l'll start the gig in a minute by the way.

You know when water leaves your ear?

lt's one of those rare moments in life

you don't give a sh*t you're like... Ah! Oh!

lmagine having sex

whilst water was leaving your ear.

How good would that feel? Ah! Ah!

You'd have to tell your partner.

That would really freak him out

if you start...

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Here come the latecomers.

- Just one man on his own.

- (Booing)

And look at the way you're

holding your hands like that, just...

You've got T-shirts on that say

''l love Russell'', girls. That's...

Yep, OK, it's quite nice.

(Laughter)

A little bit weird at the same time.

And, lucky, you're sat next to the nutters!

There you go!

''We've done drawings of him and

we've made little Russells out of pineapple.''

Why were you late? Please don't

make it anything bad. What happened?

- Why were you late?

- l'm just late.

- ''Nothing, l'm just late. Deal with it.''

- (Laughter)

''You're not my real dad. Grow up.

''l had to mow my plentiful lawn.

F*** you, Howard, and all you stand for.''

Just edging, before... Rrrrr!

''l'll be there when l'm there, OK?''

What do you do?

l like you. l like your confidence.

''l was just late, Russ.''

What were you doing?

What made you late?

- Drinking.

- Lovely stuff! Excellent!

''Bollocks!

l've gotta go see that dick, haven't l?''

''Yeah, yeah, l'll go, l'll go.''

''Just one more.''

''All right, one more.

What's the worst that can happen?

''Oh! l'm on a DVD.

''Sh*t.''

(Applause)

Don't matter.

Pleasure to have you here, man.

l've forgotten what l was talking about.

That's a bit awkward.

Look at you! Lovely! You did that!

What do you do, mate,

when not bellowing like a town crier?

''Hear, hear! Over there

you'll find Mercedes, good girl, good girl.''

(Laughter)

- What do you do, mate?

- Bus driver.

Are you really?

Hence why you did that. ''Everybody off!''

Everyone off quite camply, apparently.

(Breathily) ''Thanks, bus driver.''

What's your favourite stop?

You don't have one,

you treat every one with respect. That's fine.

Have you ever...

(Quietly) Hey, let's be honest.

Have you ever just braked a little bit hard

when you've seen an old lady in the middle?

''That was a fairly rubbish day.

l'm approaching a roundabout.''

So lovely, innit? Just the entire bus

full of stamps and Werther's Originals.

Just Horlicks in your face. Bfff!

Has to be an old lady, weirdly, doesn't it?

Look at you!

''Yes, it does, actually. Yeah, that's er...

''That's bus driving standard.

lf an old woman sits there, it is on.''

Yes, lovely. Well, this is gonna be

clearly quite a good gig.

Well done, you, for being interesting.

Anything else before l start the show?

- (Woman) Whoo!

- Just one...

Oh! That was lovely!

One whoo and one woman, ''No!''

(Laughter)

''l've come here for material. l haven't

come here to listen about bus natter, OK?''

l like bus... l like trains.

l like watching ladies on trains,

which sounds pervier than l wanted it...

l don't cover myself in coats

and wait for them.

Ladies!

Not like that.

l like watchin' 'em fall asleep. ls there

a lovelier thing in the world? (Groans)

Especially when they get the wobbly head.

And when you get snippets of dream,

is there a lovelier thing than that?

(Yells) ''Helicopter!''

''Willy Wonka, never again! Who?''

''Poundland!''

l was watching this the other day,

it was so lovely, l was on this train...

l don't know why... ''Train!''

There were four women and they looked

after one who was getting the wobbly head.

''Cover her up, she's dribbling a bit.

''Come on, sisters, let's get together

and look after her. Our fallen princess.''

l'm sat there going, ''You do not get

that treatment if you're a man, do you?''

''l'm definitely going, lads.

Look after me if l pass out.''

''Yeah. On your way, d*ckhead,

on your way.

''Right, he's out cold.

Gentlemen, let's go to work.

''Shave his eyebrows,

put his hand down his trousers,

''give me his phone, text his mum,

'l am gay', send...

''l do believe this is our stop.

Everybody off quietly.

''Wait for the train to pull out,

knock on the window. Yah!''

That's what happens if you're a man

and l speak as a man

who's arrived at Paddington Station

with the word ''paedo'' on his face.

(Laughter)

l did. Spelt with two Es.

That's what really annoyed me!

''You spelt it wrong!''

''You'd know!''

''That doesn't mean anything!''

''l can spell the word 'goose',

l'm not out laying an egg!''

Walking around London

like a Chuckle Brother, that's not good!

That's one of the world's mysteries.

How did the Chuckle Brothers

become children's entertainers?

You wouldn't let 'em

near your children, would you?

Especially that gimpy one...

''Hello!''

Looks like he spends his entire life

sniffing trampolines.

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