Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies Page #2

---

(Laughter, groaning)

''To me, to you!''

''Get the f*** out of my garden!''

(Laughter)

Don't you hate it when that happens?

Walking around with ''paedo'' on your face.

l would get bullied all the time.

l used to get bullied when l was little.

Really badly,

cos l had a lazy eye

and l've had an operation

but it's still bad if l look at the camera.

l used to get picked on...

''Look at him.

''He's obsessed with his nose!''

(Laughter)

''Who said that?

Which one of you said that?''

And l went to my dad for advice.

l used to cry a lot,

- l looked like a Picasso in the rain, and...

- (Laughter)

''Dad, l need advice.''

''Over here, son.''

''Well, stop moving then.''

He did that thing, has anyone ever

been offered advice from your dad...

lt's never like, ''Brick in their face,

this'll deal with it.'' lt's always like,

''Well, son, if you say this to the bullies

they'll bully you no more. Hmm! Hmm!''

Never works.

l cringe every time l think about this.

Me, aged ten, stood in front of these bullies

going, ''Bullies, how can my eye be lazy...

''when it wanders around so freely?''

(Laughter)

''l think you'll find l've got

an imaginative eye. Hmm! Hmm! Hmm!

''As you were. You've been

dealt with linguistically. Boo yeah!''

They kicked the sh*t out of me that day.

''Get him! lmaginative eye!''

l really wish l could travel back in time.

''Don't worry, little man. ln the future

this is going to be mildly amusing.''

''Who are you!?''

''l'm you from the future!''

''Well, make 'em stop then!''

''Sorry, l need new material for my DVD.''

''lf one of you could dress up as a clown

and rape him,

''that would really finish this bit.''

(Laughter)

l'm not a time travelling rapist,

l'll be honest.

Although, l...

Not although!

(Laughter)

But l was on about time travel the other day,

this lady in Manchester...

l'll ask you the same question.

Where would you travel if you could

travel back in time? Where would you go?

- Fair enough.

- (Laughter)

No? No answers?

(Overlapping calls)

- Did somebody say Jupiter?

- (Laughter)

You can still go to Jupiter.

lt's not time-specific, it's distance-specific.

Who the f*** is your science teacher?

No, this lady in Manchester, it was brilliant.

l said, ''lf you could travel back anywhere,

where would you travel?''

and this woman went, ''Jesus' time''.

Now, there was a lady who

doesn't f*** around with numbers.

But it made me think,

when we think about Jesus, l bet you Jesus,

if you met him, he was a right player.

Can you imagine? ln a crowd of this size.

''Oh no! Sh*t!

We got no food, have we?

''Just got this fish and bread!

''What we gonna do?

What's Jesus gonna do?

''He's gonna do this.''

Whoomph!

Fish and bread everywhere. He's like that,

''F***in' line up the prostitutes.

''Bam! Bam! Bam!

''Keep that out the book, it's Jesus time.''

- (Laughter, applause)

- l'll bet he was a right hound.

Applauding the mere idea

of Jesus doing that.

Bsh! Bsh! l bet he was! Constantly!

''D'you see that? Bit o' magic.

There you go. D'you know who my dad is?''

l doubt he did that, let's be honest.

Nobody's ever done that!

''D'you know who my dad is?''

Nobody's ever said that.

Unless it's a particularly

X-rated version of Oliver Twist.

''l just don't know who he is.

''Water in my ear!'' (Groans)

That bloke's off. Oh no!

l feel really bad now...

(Woman) lt's just two pints!

- lt's just two what, love?

- Two pints.

lt's two pints?

l'll be honest,

l don't understand the heckle. lt's lovely.

Are you implying that two pints of lager is on

or they've had two pints

and they now need a wee?

They need two pints?

Right.

What's goin' on now?

l'll be honest, l don't know.

Feels like l'm being mocked

by a pub landlady, it's a lovely feeling.

''Two pints.''

''l don't know what you're on about.''

''Have a go on them, seriously, have a go

on them. Do you want a beer or not?''

''l'd quite like a beer.''

''Touch 'em. Touch 'em.''

''Get out me pub.''

(Gasps)

l met Jonathan Ross recently.

l was in a toilet backstage, he bursts in

and goes, ''You're thingamajig, aren't you?''

And l panicked and went,

''l can be whoever you want me to be.''

Oh! l said that out loud.

(Applause)

We're the same. l drift into situations,

l'm an awkward f***er.

l went to the Darwin exhibition recently

at the National History Museum.

- Has anyone been?

- Yeah!

There was some whooping over there!

How lovely.

What was your favourite bit about it?

(Girl) Er... All of it.

OK, fine. Fair enough.

''Brain?''

''Er... All of it.''

l liked his handwriting,

Charles Darwin's handwriting,

it's properly squiggly-wiggly.

Obviously that wasn't how they said it.

(Posh accent) ''You'll find the handwriting

is particularly squiggly-wiggly.

''And, oh, look! A butty-wutty-fly!''

(Laughter)

But l was obsessed by his handwriting

and l was gonna take a pho...

(Laughter)

What sort of f***in' run is that?

(Wolf-whistle)

- Like a f***in' hobgoblin! What was that?

- (Laughter)

What happened to you in the toilets?

''Two pints!''

What?

That's without doubt the best run

l've ever seen back into a gig.

''Oh dear.

''Well, l've started running like this.

''lf l get as low as possible

l am invisible.''

Aw! You were the kid at school

who used to hide behind the lamppost.

''Good luck findin' me.''

(Laughter)

You weren't allowed

a real instrument at school, were you?

# Kumbaya, my lord! #

Bangin' your head.

lt's fine, everyone's welcome.

Are you all right now? Are you settled?

Thumbs up. What happened?

Was there a...

Don't say ''two pints'' again.

Please don't say this.

l haven't even started the f***ing gig yet!

- Go on.

- (Man) You met Jonathan Ross!

l met Jonathan Ross?

l know l met Jonathan Ross!

Look at people trying to help me!

How lovely is that?

''Russell! You met Jonathan Ross!

''Christ! He's off-piste! He's off-piste!''

(Laughter)

''Somebody make him some soup!''

How lovely are you? Normally, ''F*** off!''

''Russell! You were edging your way

back towards the Darwin museum!

''Stay on target! For the love of the maker,

stay on target!''

l was in the Darwin museum and l had

an incident with a nine-year-old girl.

- That's what l wanted to tell you, because...

- (Laughter)

Wait!

l was taking this photo

because his handwriting obsessed me,

because with Charles Darwin you assume

a neatness of the mind, don't you?

But his handwriting was all over the shop.

l thought, ''Havin' a go on that.''

lt said ''No photos'',

l thought, l don't give a sh*t,

l'm gonna take one, show it to my mates.

They'll love that.

''''Ere you are. Look at his handwriting.

lnnit all over the shop?''

- ''Er, yeah. Er...''

- (Laughter)

''Be honest, Russ, we'd rather look

at lesbian porn but this is absolutely fine.''

They're obsessed with it, my mates,

just makes me laugh.

Honestly, l don't know if you've ever seen

two ladies on the end of a double dildo

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes