Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies Page #3

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but for me it's one of the funniest

things imaginable, isn't it?

lt looks like they're on a see-saw,

it's as simple as that.

''This is lovely, this!''

You can't help but imagine a third

sexual partner just out of camera shot

on one of those weird rides

you used to get...

(Laughter)

But then l have an odd sense of humour.

l'll give you an example.

l found myself laughing,

full-on laughing,

at my genitals in the bath, right?

l was...

Has any man ever done that?

l was there glaring at my knackers...

Glaring's the wrong word,

it wasn't a showdown!

- But...

- (Laughter)

l was looking at them,

giggling like an idiot,

cos it struck me for the first time

that my balls looked a little bit like bearded

survivors from some form of shipwreck.

l'm not proud of this.

lt made me laugh,

which made my nuts jump up and down

and then l started giving them voices,

l don't know why.

''We've drifted for so long!''

''l miss my wife!''

Giggling like an idiot, and then l had

this feeling of fear come over me

which was, ''Have l locked the door?''

Can you imagine that?

lf your mum caught you engaged

in some form of scrotal pantomime?

''How long have you been there?''

''Long enough, Russ.

''Long enough to see my oldest son

sing Celine Dion at his penis.''

l'm awkward, l always will be. So l was

at the Darwin exhibition, taking a photo.

From nowhere, this girl comes up to me.

She's nine.

''What are you doing?''

l forgot how to talk.

Has anyone ever had that?

l should have gone,

''Just back off. l'm taking a photo.

''Deal with it. l'm 29 years old.''

But l didn't, l went... (Groans)

Have you ever got like that?

Sometimes you get it in a lift.

Someone says, ''What floor?''

and you're like... (Groans)

''Sh*t! l've forgotten how to talk.''

So you overcompensate. ''Five!''

Now they think you're f***in' backward.

''Five!''

And the temptation is always

to act up in a lift, innit?

(Groans)

''You smell like my fourth victim!

''Number six, please!''

Took a photo, showed it to her.

''Delete it.''

''l don't wanna delete it.''

''l'm telling the man.''

''Don't tell the man.''

So, in the middle of the Darwin exhibition,

l had to scamper back,

show her, show her that l'd deleted it,

in the Darwin exhibition,

l went, ''l've deleted it.'' She walks off.

Now what l should have done

was punched her in the face,

taken a photo of it and gone,

''Survival of the fittest.'' But...

(Laughter)

My brain gave me that information

three days later.

''Russell, it's your brain here. Just like to

point out how you can out-weird that child.''

''l'm in Tesco now!''

l was offered a bag for life

in Tesco the other day.

- l can't commit to that.

- (Laughter)

l don't know what bags

are gonna be like in the future.

l'll feel like a dick

if l've got a plastic one in 2024.

''My bag packs itself and speaks Spanish.''

''Piece of sh*t! What can you do?''

''l can suffocate a child.''

''That's all you're good for.''

(Laughter)

l'm always doing it. Sometimes you do

things, you got no idea why you're doing it.

For example,

you get a cold can of Diet Coke.

lt's not enough for you to go,

''That's freezing''.

You have to find somebody you love

and put it on their head.

You can't not do it, can you? (Grunts)

You don't do that with any other food.

''This soup's boiling. ln your eyes!''

For some reason

you become a fizzy torturer.

''All right, Mum?

Fanta to the knees!''

''Argh!''

''Dad! Holidays are comin'!

Holidays are comin'! Holidays are comin'!''

We're all connected weirdly

by odd things we do.

We all laugh at stuff we shouldn't do

sometimes. Like l was at the zoo...

You know those things where you think,

''Shouldn't be laughing, too late. Ha-ha!''

A friend of mine

works in the psychiatric ward.

Patient the other day, walking along,

threw some drinks at the wall.

My friend said, ''Why did you do that?''

This bloke went, ''God told me to do it.''

Apparently a bloke sat in his pyjamas

went, ''l said no such thing!''

(Laughter)

You can't help it.

You're only a human,

you have to let the giggles out.

l had a lovely one at the zoo recently

in Sydney, where it was great.

And, er... l really like zoos, erm...

''Really?''

''Yeah.''

People get... ''Oh my God!

How could you go to the zoo, Russ?

''They keep those animals caged up!

''Why don't you just f***ing

put a cigarette out on a polar bear?''

''Thickhead, it's a monkey!''

We all want to be happy and we're

all gonna die, now back off, you know?

l've got no time for any of that.

These people, they normally kinda

wear flip-flops even though it's raining.

''Ugh! Deal with it! l've got a Che Guevara

T-shirt on and l've got some beads. Meh!''

And they say things like,

they're always like,

''You know, girls,

with all the trouble in the universe

''l'm not sure l could bring

a child into this world.''

Oh really?! Cos your penis

is linked to world misery, is it?

(Laughter)

''Jenny, stop kissing my cock,

somebody's been mugged in Peru.

''l'm coming, Rodrigo, l'm coming!''

F*** off! These idiots.

''l don't own a TV.''

Doesn't make you better than me,

it just makes you a weirdo.

(Laughter)

You're missing out on The lnbetweeners

and the Compare the Meerkat advert

- and both of those things...

- (Applause, cheering)

..make you mental.

Feel the excitement!

lsn't it amazing?

We're gonna look back at the recession

and go, ''Do you know what got us through?

''A meerkat dressed up in a stately home...

''looking at us, tilting his head

and going 'Simples!''' (Kisses)

That was it!

That was enough, you know?

So l was at the zoo and this brilliant bloke,

Australians are f***in' hilarious,

this bloke was like, ''Couple of years ago...''

And they don't know they're being funny.

(Australian accent) ''Couple of years ago

some bloke got into the lion enclosure

''and tried to read the Bible to the lions.''

(Laughter)

- ''They f***in' killed him.''

- (Laughter)

''lt's a bloody long book.'' lmplying that

that was the reason why they did it!

''Well this is dragging.''

''lt's too preachy. lt's too preachy.''

''l prefer Catcher ln The Rye.

Shall we munch his nuts?''

You have to laugh. My favourite ever

of ''belly laugh from nowhere'' moments.

A girl in our school called Lydia

was trying to make her calculator work.

She was repeatedly knocking it,

not that seductively,

but she was trying to make her calculator

work by knocking it against the desk.

Mr McDonald, our teacher,

went, ''Lydia! How would you like it

''if l banged you against the desk?!''

Oh!

The greatest day of school!

We laughed for three years.

''Stop laughing, children!''

''We can't stop laughing.''

Things make you laugh

and if they do, f*** it!

l was on the train the other day.

We went through a place called

Didcot Ladygrove, and my friend went...

- (Laughter)

- Exactly. l was laughing already.

Then my friend topped it by going,

''l bet you money that's

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