Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies Page #4

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what the Queen calls her vagina.''

(Laughter)

(Applause)

What a thing to say!

But when you think about it, she probably

does! She's got a sense of humour.

l bet if she's bored at a function,

her and Philip have this lovely code.

''Philip? Philip!

''Hey, Big P, Big P.''

(Sniggers)

''Mother's talking. Big P, Big P.

''Check it, check it, man. Check it.

''Would you like to visit Didcot Ladygrove?''

''For real, baby, for real.

''And when we're done with that

we'll visit Walton-on-the-Marsh.''

''Son of a b*tch!''

l bet they've got a lovely lifestyle.

She must have a sense of humour,

she's married to him.

How easy's his job?

Bangin' her and being racist. l could do that.

''There you go, Liz. Chinky-winky-woo!''

The royal family are amazing, aren't they?

Prince Harry.

lt's really extraordinary

cos a lot of us love him.

l quite like the bloke.

He has that kind of...

The Sun newspaper

can't make their mind up about Harry.

One minute he's a ''war hero'',

next minute, ''racist!'' Make your mind up.

''We don't mind him killin' foreigners

but don't call 'em names.''

(Laughter)

We like him because Prince Harry

has the Boris Johnson X factor, doesn't he?

lt doesn't matter what you think

about Johnson politically,

you'd love to go on the piss with him.

You'd end up in a nature reserve

with Johnson going, ''F***ing come on,

let's paint an elephant with Tipp-Ex.''

(Laughter)

You'd be behind him with a hole punch.

''Coming, Boris!''

''Ha! Ha! Ha! Ring a ring a roses!''

lt's the same with Harry, we love him.

He's done so many things

that we're meant to be appalled by,

he might as well have a weekly show

called These Are The Things l've Done,

and we'd watch it

just to see him go, ''Yeah, man.

''l made a pube beard

and l Sellotaped it to a swan. Big wow, OK?

''Big f***ing wow, Britain! Huh?

''Next week l'm gonna light my farts

and teabag a gibbon. Come on over!

- ''Ha! Ha! Ha! lt's Harry time!''

- (Laughter)

We'd watch it!

He's brilliant!

He's ferociously stupid.

That's why we like him.

lt's the same as Susan Boyle. That was

the whole beauty, the fact that she was mad.

She may as well just have wandered on,

rubbed sh*t in her face and gone, ''Ha!''

and we'd have still voted for her.

''l'm dangerously ill!''

''Sing it, b*tch!''

(Laughter)

We like Harry because he's thick.

Proper stupid, it's brilliant.

Think about it,

most of us went to comprehensives,

he had a hundred grand

spent on his education. lmagine that.

Hundred grand, he went to Eton,

the finest education money can buy.

He got two A levels,

one is an E in geography, one is a B in Art.

Can you imagine that? lf your dad has

spent a hundred grand on your education?

''l done a drawing

and l sort of know what a hill is.''

Slap, slap, slap for you!

The media really ramp things up

that we don't give a sh*t about,

like the Daily Express headline the

other day, ''Swearing is the blight of Britain.''

Well, it's not, is it? And if it is,

we're really not doing that badly.

l doubt there's anyone in Gaza

dodging white phosphorous,

going, ''This is horrific, this is so bad.''

''lt could be worse, apparently a lady in

Rochester heard a man say c*nt in Asda.''

(Laughter)

There's things to care about.

Luckily we're evolved and we don't

really give a sh*t about many things.

Swine flu, nobody cared. lt's been upgraded

to class 6, we still don't give a sh*t.

When swine flu first... Although it'll be

quite funny if, when this DVD is released,

everyone's died of swine flu.

- Just one bloke, ''Very funny, d*ckhead.''

- (Laughter)

''Very funny indeed!

''l speak to you from the future.

''(Oinks) l speak to you from...''

(Laughter)

We weren't worried.

When swine flu first came out

we imagined just walking into a doctor's

surgery holding a pig wearing a sombrero.

D'you reckon any kids

have tried to bunk off school

by going,

''Mum, l've definitely got swine flu.''

''Well, you haven't, have you, Tom?

You've got bacon on your face.''

(Laughter)

l read this horrible story...

there's too much fear in the world.

l read this story the other day

that some parents

have started buying their kids stab vests

to go to school with.

As if your first day isn't terrifying enough!

''Let's just pop your stab vest on.''

''Where am l going?!''

''To a place of learning. There you go.

l like you, they probably won't.

''There you go. You're a lion!

''They're gonna stab you and l'm fine with

that cos Loose Women's on. There you go.''

How fear-mongering's that?

''Before you go to school, here's

a cyanide pill in case you get cornered

''and a bomb-proof pencil case,

''best pop a mouse trap up your arse

in case your teacher's a wrong 'un.

''On your way.''

(Laughter, applause)

Too much, isn't it?

Too much!

Let 'em just f***ing go to school.

All we had was wedgies!

Too much. Like North Korea.

Christ alive! Terrifying.

You got this pensioner

testing nuclear weapons underground.

How paranoid is that?

Calm down, North Korea.

''We need to defend ourselves.''

''Nobody wants to get you.

You're gonna be fine.''

That's like Ann Widdecombe

buying a rape alarm.

You're gonna be absolutely fine.

Jesus Christ!

And talking of our MPs,

we just don't like them, do we?

Like the MPs expenses.

What was your opinion of that?

- (Man) C*nts!

- ''C*nts'' said the man at the back.

- l think that's pretty much the opinion.

- (Applause)

That should have been

the front cover of the Sun, ''C*nts''.

Just you leaning out your van like that.

That's how we felt.

One MP claimed 23p for a lemon.

F***! How cheap do you have to be?

l'll give you the lemon myself,

you pikey sh*t!

23p for a lemon?

People claming for moats, for tennis courts,

for lawnmowers, for swimming pools!

''lt's legal, it's legal.''

So's waking your nan up dressed as Hitler,

just don't do it.

''Meaarghh!

''Make me jelly, b*tch!''

''Ja, mein Fuhrer! Ja!''

You're allowed to do a lot of things,

just have some moral decorum!

And then on top of this you get idiots going,

''Makes you wanna vote BNP, dunnit?''

Not really! Not in any way!

Where's the link there?

(Northern accent) ''Cos that bloke's

had his moat cleaned and l've paid for it.

''He's left me with no option

but to become a racist.''

(Laughter)

- Has he? How does that work?

- (Applause)

''Moat:
cleaned out. Me: racist.

There's an obvious link there.''

There is no link. That's like watching

somebody mow their lawn and going,

''l'm off to punch Ainsley Harriott

in the face.''

''l've cut Kris Akabusi up

and put him in my bin.''

''What the f*** have you done that for?''

''l seen a bloke eating a cake!''

There is no link. They'd still claim,

luckily they'll never get in power,

but they would still claim, wouldn't they?

lt wouldn't be $500 for horse manure,

it'd be 20 grand to have the white cliffs

of Dover engraved with the words ''f*** off''.

(Laughter)

You know what l mean?

it's just kind of...

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