Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies Page #5

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We don't like our MPs,

it comes down to that. We want change.

lt's because Barack Obama's so...

just brilliant.

You're looking at him across a river going...

(Tuts) ''Aw! Can we...''

(Laughter)

lt's like looking at your dad who's a bit fat

and going...

(Sighs)

- ''l'd like that dad, actually.''

- (Laughter)

He's brilliant, isn't he? l tell you what, you

know when someone's beloved of the world

when they get away

with a disabled joke on telly.

That is true power.

And nobody gave a sh*t.

Did you see it on Jay Leno? There was

a laugh over there, you obviously saw it.

Jay Leno went,

''You're pretty good at bowling.''

Barack Obama:

''Yeah, in a sort of Special Olympics way.''

Everyone went, ''Don't worry about it.

lt's fine. He's lovely.''

F***! lmagine if Gordon Brown

had said that, or David Cameron!

We'd have thrown disabled people at him!

''F***in' arsehole!

Pass me Stephen Hawking.''

(Mimics Hawking) ''Aim for his eyes.''

- lt's what we'd have done.

- (Applause)

l don't know whether you're applauding

because you like the sentiment

or the mere idea of slinging

Stephen Hawking at people.

Just loading him in a catapult,

aim him for Spain.

''You f***ers.''

Whoomph!

(Laughter, applause)

And now you're really applauding.

Sounds like a BBC3 show, doesn't it?

''Hi, l'm Vernon Kay,

welcome to Stephen Hawking Slingshot.''

(Laughter)

''You have to decide

in which nation he will land.

''Are you ready, Stephen?''

''Yeah, l'm fine.''

(Laughter)

''Well, let's oil up the slingshot and...''

(Sniggers)

''Let's get ready to rumble!''

Whumph!

''l'm here in Sweden.''

So, erm...

Where was l?

Well, l was talking about something...

Yeah, Barack Obama - wonderful man.

The reason why we like him, l think,

is because he looks clever.

lt's nice, isn't it?

He looks like he thinks.

We haven't seen that in a fair while.

Cos you used to look

at George Bush and go,

''l could probably beat him at Trivial Pursuit''

and that is not good enough.

He'd eat the pieces,

that's not even good.

Barack Obama would annihilate you,

wouldn't he?

He's amazing.

Forward-thinking, cultured, intelligent.

He's trying to bring peace

to the Middle East.

He's also reversed stem cell research.

l don't know if you know this,

but George Bush

was anti-stem cell research

because he didn't want to upset God.

How funny's that?

The idea that God could get angry.

''They're trying to make tiny versions

of themselves! l'm absolutely furious!''

He won't be. He'll be there going,

''This is incredible! Clever little f***ers!

''Have you seen this, Gabriel?

''First the George Foreman Grill

and now this. lt's unbelievable.

- ''Look at that!''

- (Applause)

''Every day is wonderful.

lt's called an iPod, Gabriel. Hm? Hm?

''Put it on shuffle.

Put it on shuffle.

''That's the stuff G.O.D. likes.''

People get obsessed with music,

don't they?

You hear people go, ''You know why kids

are violent, don't you? Bloody rap music.''

lt's such a ridiculous argument.

''The Wu-Tang Clan, that's to blame.''

We don't blame chill-out music

for lazy f***ers...

(Laughter)

''Look, you've been on the dole

for three years. Curse you, Dido!''

Some bloke crawling on the floor.

(Groans)

''What's wrong, mate?

Have you got ME?''

''No, Enya!''

- (Laughter)

- Ridiculous!

Then they blame... ''Computer games!

That's why kids are f***ed up!

''They see the computer games,

they're so violent, they re-enact them!''

You're like,

''What? No, they don't!''

You know? l don't walk around

dressed as an ltalian plumber

and try and eat mushrooms.

(Laughter)

l don't go near a wall and go...

(Hums Tetris music)

''l'm getting a Tetris flashback!

Stop me!''

But people love to be angry, don't they?

There's nothing worse than an old lady or an

old man who's given up on life, you know?

''l've been alive for 60 years.

l really hope l don't enjoy the next 20.''

''l quite agree. l say we wander around

like T-rex's trying to sh*t out pianos.''

Searching out misery. The world is full

of woe and wonder. Don't look for misery.

Like, there's nothing better

than an old lady who thinks,

''l'm nearly dead.

Let the good times roll.''

We've seen them everywhere,

those lovely women with twinkly eyes

and wrinkly thighs and, ''F*** it''.

''That's right, Mr Bus Driver, l'm gonna

sit here. F***in' do your worst, d*ckhead.''

Just gettin' out a tiny knife.

''l'm comin' for you.''

My mum's like that, she's brilliant.

The biggest gig of my life,

Wembley Arena, right?

My friends saw my mum, as people

are filing into this gig, pointing at her vagina,

going,

''That's where the magic comes from.''

- (Applause)

- lt's just beautiful.

How lovely and weird's that?

Nobody knew she was my mum!

All they'd seen was a very old lady

declaring that she had a magic fanny!

Like a weird extra from Heroes.

l've never been prouder.

''All right, Sylar, watch this.''

Whumph!

''That's what you're dealing with, mate.

l just pulled a rabbit out of my chuff.

''Try and steal that power.''

She's brilliant.

l'm lucky to have plopped out from that lady.

She's wonderful, right?

l was brought up in a very odd way.

Like did your parents ever just pull

really extraordinary pranks on you?

And you go,

''Well, that is a bit much.''

l remember once l was in Lanzarote

and we were eight,

and l was taking some rubbish

to a chute late at night.

lt had gone quite well, it was a job, and l

thought, ''l'm havin' a skip, l'm skippin' back.''

l'm skippin' back,

it's going quite well.

Around the corner

two werewolves appear.

(Laughter)

And they say, ''Bleargh!''

- And l gently pooed myself, right?

- (Laughter)

Mid-skip. Low moment, right?

Now, turns out it's my mum and dad

wearing the wolf masks.

''Ah-ha-ha!

lsn't that hilarious?''

''Not really. l shat myself.''

Now, l've only recently found out that they

did not buy those wolf masks in Lanzarote.

They bought them in England!

Which is brilliant and mental

at the same time!

''Look what l got, David.

Couple of wolf masks!''

''Let's put 'em on immediately and scare

him. He's sleeping, it'll probably scare him.''

''Can l hold you just there, David, because

l do believe we're going to Lanzarote.

''Let's get him in a foreign country,

properly out of his comfort zone

''and then really sh*t him up.''

Brilliant.

That's got to be better, hasn't it?

Being raised by people

who have a sense of fun.

l've got no time

for the ''What's next?'' brigade.

You've seen those people,

you've heard them.

They listen to the news

and invent their own misery to go with it.

''Free TVs for prisoners? What next?

lce cream vans for paedophiles? Hm? Hm?''

You're there going,

''No, that's not going to happen.''

''Free contraceptives for teenagers?

What next?

''Toddlers dressed as gimps?

Bah! Bah! Bah!''

''No, that's not gonna happen.''

''Abortion at 26 weeks? What next?

''Fannies fitted with nooses?''

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