Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies Page #6

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You're there going,

''No, none of these things will happen.

You're inventing your own misery.

For f***'s sake, try and enjoy life.

They just wander round going,

''CCTV. Big Brother. Local post office.

''Rage. Rage. lmmigration.

Ga-ga-ga! Ga-ga-ga!

''Enough to drive you mad.

This country's gone to the dogs.''

Just f***ing streams of bullshit.

My personal favourite -

''This country's the worst in the world,

it's enough to drive you mad!''

Yeah, l bet there's some bloke in some

war-torn African village as we speak,

just weeping on the floor.

''What's wrong, mate? Why are you crying?

''ls it cos you got no money,

no food, no home?''

(African accent)

''lt is none of those things.

''Some people in England only have their

wheelie bins collected once a fortnight.''

(Applause)

''ls there no God?!''

We don't give a sh*t about so many stories.

Like that story about the 13-year-old boy

that got that 15-year-old girl pregnant.

Now, we were meant to go, ''Oh my God!

Britain's broken. What a palaver!''

But, let's be honest, my reaction was,

''Hang on, he's 13 and she's 15?

''lmpressive.''

How good is he at Laser Quest?

You know?

l could not have done that.

l couldn't have made a girl pregnant.

l was weirdly proud of him. l was like,

''Go on, you little scumbag, well done.

''l'm surprised you didn't start a fire

by your shell suit rubbing against her.''

l couldn't have done that when l was 13.

l struggle with girls now.

l was on a train the other day

and this girl came up to me and went,

''Excuse me, can you look after my bags

whilst l go to the toilet?''

And l... All l had to do was go ''yes''

but for some reason l went,

''You're not allowed to go

when it's in the station.''

- (Laughter)

- Oh Jesus!

So this poor girl sits down.

''OK.

Didn't realise you were the poo monitor.''

So she sits there till the train moves away.

''Can l go now?''

''Yeah, you're probably all right now.''

And then other people

start asking me cos they've see...

''Can l go?''

''l don't work here.''

(Laughter)

''Just respect the rules. Jesus!''

What's funny, because of this 13-year-old

getting this 15-year-old pregnant,

it turned out he wasn't the dad,

that was quite humorous, secondly,

we now have sex education for 5-year-olds

being mooted by the government,

amongst other policies.

One of them is, they've got this scheme

they're gonna teach parents how

to wake their children up in the morning.

l'd argue that's the most depressing thing

you've ever heard out loud, isn't it?

lf you can't wake your kids up,

sew it up or lop 'em off.

''This is an alarm clock. lf you set it to seven

it beeps twice and you wake the child up.

''So there we go.

What do you use at the minute?''

''l hit them with a brick.''

''l'm gonna take your kids away,

you f***in' monster.''

lt's just depressing, isn't it?

Sex education for 5-year-olds, people are

very upset about it. ''Too much! Too soon!''

Calm down,

they're not gonna teach them technique.

''This is how l like to do it.''

Slap on some funk.

(Moans)

''Just make eye contact

and then just drive it home! Drive it home!''

Kids aren't gonna rush home,

put action dolls around their car and go,

''Mum, look, l'm dogging, l'm dogging!''

(Laughter)

lt's not gonna be any of that,

it's gonna be some poor teacher

trying to talk to 5-year-olds about love.

Can you imagine a harder job than that?

''Kids, we're about to learn about love.''

''Well, good luck with that,

l'm gonna lick that tree.

''l don't wanna learn about d*cks!''

lmagine a harder job. ''Children,

there's a complicated thing called love.

''We meet somebody, there's a feeling

deep inside. We don't really know what it is,

''but we know that whenever we're

near them it's wonderful and comforting.

''Eventually, your penis or vagina

''becomes very friendly

with the other person's thingamajig.

''And it can be quite pleasurable...

''or painful...

''depending on how you do it.

''Any questions?''

''Yeah, l got a question.

''My brother reckons when you close your

eyes, everyone in the world becomes a cat.

''Well?

''Cos if you close your eyes,

you could be a cat right now.

''l open 'em, you've changed back again.

''Clever little bastard.

''l'm off to lick the tree.''

''lt's the worst way to learn. A teacher

can't teach a child aged five about sex.''

There's worse ways to learn than that.

You can watch a duck go at it.

Jesus!

Yeah! You know what that looks like.

lt's bloody horrible.

l don't know if you've ever seen duck sex?

Christ! You don't forget that!

The noise alone. Wah!

Wah!

Four on one, they're dunking the head,

the feathers... Wah! Wah!

No wonder Orville wore a nappy.

Jesus!

''l want to fly!''

''You're gonna struggle walking, Orville,

they f***in' ruined you!

''Somebody get a safety pin!

''Don't look down!

Don't look down!''

''l want to...''

''Shut up, Orville! Lift his head up!

''He's in tatters!''

Or you could listen to the Pope.

That's worse.

The Pope recently went to Africa

and said that condoms weren't useful

in the fight against AlDS.

He said that abstinence

was the way forward.

l imagine God in heaven going,

''That's easy for you to say!

''You're an old man in a dress!

Nobody wants to f*** you!

''Abstinence?

There's f*** all to do in Angola!

''They haven't even got a Nando's!''

Sex education for...

lt has to be better than the way we learned.

Cos how did we learn? Through rumours,

animals, or porn we found in woodland.

And as a boy that was one of the

most terrifying moments of your life.

Can you remember that?

Maybe you've not been through this.

You might be quite young. Well, you've

got that ahead of you, its f***ing terrifying.

You look at a pornographic magazine for

the first time, look at a lady with your mates,

''Do you like it?''

''l love it, it's the best thing l've ever seen.''

But in your head you're going...

(Shrieks)

''That's terrifying!

''Kill it! Kill it!

''lt looks like Rio Ferdinand's smile!''

(Laughter)

(Applause)

That's what you're thinking.

(Yells) ''lt killed Boba Fett!

lt killed Boba Fett!''

That's what you're thinking.

You're frightened!

Doesn't matter how you learn about sex,

you're gonna be rubbish at it the first time.

As you get older,

occasionally you're all right,

you have those amazing moments where

you go, ''This is going all right. Hm-hm!

''Yeah! l've snuck this out from nowhere.''

lt's a lovely feeling, you feel so manly.

lf you're a beta male like me...

there's probably a few

proper f***in' geezers in here.

l'm not a manly man.

A lot of people now have dogs, killer dogs!

You leave me alone in a room with a dog

and l'll dress that dog up.

(Laughter)

''Somebody looks like Sherlock Holmes!''

''Get the f*** away from me.''

You know?

l'm not a manly man.

The only time l get manly

is when l light a fire or put up a tent.

lt's a lovely feeling that.

You suddenly become very Alfie.

''Right, you darlin', in the car,

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