Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies Page #7

---

Daddy's gonna put this tent up.

''That's right, l'm gonna put up this tent

and then l'm gonna make you pregnant.''

An hour later,

''l can't get the pole in the hole.''

People will think you're trying

to kill an immigrant. lt's one of those...

- (Laughter)

- That's just a joke.

lt's one of those...

That was quite lovely.

''ls that racist? l'm not sure.

''l'll just fan myself with the Guardian.

This is awkward.''

And we can all agree with that!

lt's quality!

lf you're a f***in' beta, runty man,

when you're havin' sex

you feel so f***in' alive!

You feel incredible!

You feel powerful!

You're thinkin', ''l'll tell you what,

if a burglar breaks in now,

''l'll knock him out with my cock!''

Think it! Never say it!

Never say it!

''You're gonna do what?''

''Nothing! Not gonna do anything!''

What a Crimewatch reconstruction though,

can you imagine that?

l wouldn't hit his head,

it'd be thigh at best, let's be honest.

That's if l was on a trampoline wanking,

and to be honest

if you're on a trampoline wanking you

probably wouldn't need to hit the burglar,

he'd probably get the message.

''Yah! F***in' steal from me?!

l've been wanking on a trampoline, f***er!''

''All right! All right!''

Doesn't matter how you learn about sex,

always bad the first time, right?

l lost my virginity underneath a bridge.

Underneath a bridge in a place

where trolls linger, that's where l lost it.

l could have banged a troll,

l don't know.

There could be a lazy-eyed

little troll going ''Daddy! Daddy!''

lt was dark down there.

l was having sex...

This poor girl, l tried my best.

l felt very much like the

Scottish football team at a World Cup,

''lt's just a pleasure to be here.''

You want your 1 1-year-old self

to be there

just to prove to him

that the future's gonna get better.

''Look at that, that's your willy in a girl.

l know. lnnit spectacular?''

Admittedly it would be a bizarre

episode of Quantum Leap, but...

you know what l'm driving at, right?

Now, l'm having sex with this girl,

it's going very badly,

primarily because l'm not very good,

she isn't very good

and my mates are watching me.

Genuinely.

We were at an army camp,

''How's it going, Russ?''

''lt's a bit weird, to be honest.

''You're looking at me in a tree

and that's really putting me off my stroke.''

''l'm fine with it.''

''l know you're fine with it, Paul,

''but it's really weirding me out.

''Are you wanking?''

''No, no.

''A little bit, yeah.

''l don't mind. Do you mind?''

''l mind a bit.''

''There's a woodpecker here

who really minds.''

''l imagine he does,

you're wanking on his house.''

l tell you what's never good.

When you're losing your virginity...

and somebody tuts.

That's never good.

(Tuts) Oh dear.

(Tuts) Oh no, what a fuss.

That's never good.

l'm pretty sure at one stage she went,

''Oh, for goodness' sake.''

That's never good.

But l persevered, then she obviously

thought, ''l'm gonna have a bit of fun.''

So in the middle of it, l'm losing my virginity,

she looks over my shoulder

with exquisite acting,

suddenly just went...

(Sharp intake of breath) Shh!

And l cacked it.

l was like, ''Wha...?''

Properly terrified.

''What is it? What's behind me?'' (Pants)

There was a beat of silence,

she looked deep into my eyes and went...

- ''Boo!'' And honestly...

- (Laughter)

..the fear that went through...

l was like, ''Ngah! Ngah!''

l've never made a noise like it.

''Ngah-ngah-ngah! Ngah-ngah-ngah!''

l sounded like a camel

with an ice cream headache.

''Ngah-ngah-ngah!

Ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah-ngah!''

lt was one of the most terrifying moments

of my life, but it led to one of the greatest.

l don't know if you've ever been inside

somebody whilst that person is giggling.

Oh, my God!

What a feeling!

lt's unbelievable!

lt's like your dick is getting a handshake

off Michael J Fox in a hurricane.

lt's going...

(Groans)

- (Applause)

- What a moment to arrive from nowhere!

Brilliant! You know when life suddenly goes,

''l can do this.''

You're like,

''Oh-ho-ho! That's quite weird and lovely.''

So strange.

That's why l've got no time for...

l'm not really a fan of technology,

like communicating through...

Twitter can really f*** off

as far as l'm concerned.

People say,

''Well, Stephen Fry's on Twitter.''

Yeah, he's also on anti-depressants.

And Stephen Fry's got something to say,

somebody else is just like,

''l've just eaten a banana!''

''Lovely. He's invented a word.''

Shut up.

Texting, l hate.

When you're together in a relationship,

f***in' amazing, like stars colliding.

When you're apart

you have to check in.

Technology ruins the mystique of us all.

''Where have you been?''

''Who knows where l've been.

''Such is the mystery of Howard.''

''Have you been to the cinema?''

''Yes.''

''You don't know what film though, do you?

Wooh!''

''Was it Star Trek?''

''Mm.''

l hate texting.

You have to check in, there's no mystery.

''l love you, l miss you, l want you.''

''l love you, l miss you, l want you.''

And you realise after a while

your relationship's pretty much

become a Tamagotchi.

''l better feed the beast,

l don't want it dying on me.

''l love you, Sarah.''

Just lose the...

Has any text ever been worthwhile?

''What are you doing?''

''l am eating a potato.''

''Why did you not put

a kiss on the end of that?''

- ''l'm eating a potato.''

- (Laughter)

''You need to put a kiss. When you don't,

that means you don't love me any more.''

''l do love you! l love you so much!

l don't know the etiquette.

''There are times when l miss you

like a recently separated Siamese twin,

''but at this f***ing moment

l'm eating a shitting potato!''

Send!

(Cheering)

''Who is this?''

''l'm so sorry, Nan.''

(Laughter)

''Please tell me you didn't

get the earlier photo of my penis.''

''l did.

''Why no kiss?''

''l'm eating a potato.''

Because if you spend your life sort of

looking down and communicating like that,

you don't see what life has on offer.

And it's amazing, sometimes

tiny things can be really, really lovely.

l was on a tube the other day,

l saw a pregnant lady, right?

Her husband or boyfriend

was rubbing her tummy going,

# Daddy is rubbing Mummy's belly

# l said, Daddy is rubbing

Mummy's belly... #

And l was there going, ''That represents

everything l want in the universe.''

lt was so lovely.

But you can't join in.

(Laughter)

# Stranger is rubbing Mummy's belly

# Ah, don't be freaky, don't be freaky

# Come on, baby... #

Little things sometimes make you so happy.

Happier than they should.

l've got a new shower gel.

l can't leave myself alone.

Sniffin' myself whenever l get the chance.

Orange and mandarin.

You feel like you've been licked all over

by a panther who's had 15 Fantas.

lt's incredible.

You know that lovely feeling

when you've had a horrible dream,

you wake up, you're like...

(Grunts, gasps)

''l've got to do my maths GCSE!''

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes