Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies Page #8

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Then it slowly dawns on you.

''No, l don't.''

(Laughter)

''l'm 29.

''My teachers are all dead.''

What a moment that is, you know?

Or that noise in the cinema. l love that.

That's another tiny bit of loveliness.

You know when there's a big glossy trailer?

lt always goes,

''Coming soon - July 2009. The Destroyer!''

You will always hear one lone voice go,

''Well, that looks f***in' sh*t.''

- (Laughter)

- You love that noise.

Sometimes followed by,

''l think it looks all right actually.''

(Mumbles) ''..absolute sh*t...''

Things from nowhere

sometimes make you really giddy.

Like watching drunk people,

l love that.

You know when someone's

a bit wobbly drunk

and they put a bollard or a cone

on top of a bus stop? How heroic's that?

''l'm pissed.

Fighting? Nightclub? Women?

''No, that bus stop needs a hat.

That looks great.''

The point l think l was trying to make is you

never know what's gonna make you happy.

lt can arrive from nowhere, like me and

my family do a very weird thing with our dog,

- which, l mean, we don't like...

- (Laughter)

''lt's a full moon! Shave it!''

l don't mean that. l recommend you do it.

When you've something naughty to say,

that maybe you shouldn't say,

simply pretend the dog has said it,

it's a wonderful game.

My dad is the champion of this game.

We use him as an evil conch, my dog Bert.

Stroking him. We were watching

The Snowman at Christmas.

Beautiful film. Childhood film.

My dad starts going,

''What's that, Bert?

''This is the biggest advert

for grooming you've ever seen?''

So then the rest of us go,

''How could you, Bert?

lt's an absolute classic, you disgusting dog.''

(Whimpers)

My brother jumps in.

''lt's a good job the snowman melted or that

kid would have an arse like a slush puppy?''

''Oh! What an appalling dog!''

Makes you so happy and there's

nothing wrong with that, is there?

Sometimes you see something

and you're like, ''Wow! l've seen that.

''l will tell my friends about that. That's

one of the weirdest things l've ever seen.''

l was in a pub beer garden recently.

l saw a full-size Jenga

topple on to a pissed dwarf. Now...

(Laughter)

You don't know what do.

You're like, ''Oh my God!

''Am l even allowed to laugh at that?

l really want to.

''l know that makes me a bad person but

if it was a big person and it hit him l'd laugh,

''but because he's small

l don't know what to do.''

Before the bricks hit his tiny face

he went, ''F***in' hell!''

A bloke two seats along went,

''That was like 9/1 1 .''

(Groans) The world's

a mad place sometimes, isn't it?

l saw this the other day - l saw a man

have an argument with a parking meter.

lt was brilliant!

lt was in London.

He put 50p into the parking meter,

the 50p came out, he threw it away.

He walked away from the parking meter,

he obviously got to about here and went,

''You're gonna leave it there, Dave?

''You're gonna let that parking meter

get away with that?

''Cos he's made you look like a monkey,

Dave, and you ain't no monkey.

''Turn and face him, Dave.''

And he turned to face him.

He had a chat with his brain that went,

''l'm gonna need words when l get there,''

and his brain went,

''l'll give you words. l'll give you words.''

And the words that his brain

obviously gave him,

just after he'd punched this parking meter

in the face, were, and l quote,

''You f***ed-up gypsy.''

(Laughter)

lt's just mental, isn't it?

You're there going...

- Well...

- (Applause)

But what's lovely about it, everyone in

the room has been in a situation like that,

when you've lost it with an inanimate object,

you can't help it.

My mum has called a kettle

a f***-sandwich. She's got no idea why.

When you lose your keys, that's the best.

When you start talking,

''Where are you, keys?

''Seriously, where are you? Stop f***ing

around, it was funny for the first time.

''Come on, keys.

Daddy needs the keys.''

As if the keys...

''You'll have to find me, Daddy.

''The pleasure's in the chase.''

Then you always inevitably go to God,

''Seriously, God, where are the keys?''

As if...

''Hang on a minute, Rwanda, bigger issues.

''They're by the microwave, Russell,

they're by the microwave!''

lt's not gonna be like that. We always leap

to the Lord in moments of pain or pleasure.

lf you hit your hammer on a thumb

you're like, ''Ah! God!''

Sexual bliss, you're like, ''Oh! God!''

You can be as agnostic as you like,

nobody has ever gone,

''Big Bang Theory!''

lt's as simple as that.

lt's interesting, He's always there.

And if you're into religion, fair enough.

lt's quite trendy to knock it,

but whatever you need to get

through life is your business, isn't it?

Like Richard Dawkins... He's obviously a

wonderful man with a really amazing mind,

but he's currently writing a book warning

children against the dangers of fairy tales.

Now, l would argue

that's a battle that isn't really worth it.

''Children, l'm gonna tell you

just why Humpty Dumpty is bullshit.''

- (Laughter)

- Do we really need that?

''All the king's horses and all the king's men

couldn't put Humpty back together again?

''Well, let's analyse that, shall we?

''Why would Mr and Mrs Dumpty

call their first-born son Humpty?

''Bullshit.

''Point number two. An egg can't walk,

an egg can't talk, an egg can't climb a wall,

''if an egg were to fall off a wall

he would not cry for help.

''Point number two - bullshit.

''Furthermore, how can a horse

put an egg back together again?

''A horse has hooves,

they gather no purchase.

''l'll tell you a story, you little f***ers.

''A man is...born!

''He...works! He dies!

''Sleep well.''

You need imagination.

You need fairy tales up until the age of eight

cos the world's f***in' terrifying.

lt's one of the greatest moments

when your dad goes,

''l'm gonna tell you

about Little Red Riding Hood.''

''F***in' preach it, Papa,

f***in' preach it.''

''There's a wolf in a dress.''

You had me at wolf.

You need imagination when you're little.

l remember once my brother was really

upset, right? So in an attempt to help him...

He was crying and l said, ''Don't worry...''

l'm eight, ''Don't worry, Dan.

- ''l can eat sadness.'' Now...

- (Laughter)

l can't. l can't do that.

But it really worked.

l mean, l made a tool out of myself,

l had to walk around the room going...

(Laughter)

But sometimes a little bit

of imagination is fine, you know?

l saw, the other day, a kid,

he was about eight,

eating a fun-size Milky Way.

He turned to his mum and went,

''Mum, it doesn't matter how many

of these you eat, it never leads to fun.''

How depressing's that?

''You all right? Do you want a Happy Meal?''

''Life is suffering, Russell,

life is suffering.''

l just can't deal with that level.

Maybe l'm being mawkish,

looking through rose-tinted glasses,

l remember being very excited

by a lot of things.

lf l had a fun-size Milky Way

l'd have been looking at it going...

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