Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies Page #9

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(Gasps) 'Nother!

l'd have been very excited.

l was excited about going to a Harvester.

Christ! Can you remember that feeling?

''We're going where? F***ing unbelievable!''

Bragging in school the next day.

''Sorry, l can't concentrate on your trivial sh*t,

Miss, but l was at the Harvester last night!

''l went to the salad bar twice.

Touch me!''

Everything was exciting when you're eight,

that should be the way the world is!

Remember the first time

you saw a rainbow?

Can you remember how exciting that was?

''Dad, there are colours in the sky.

''There are colours in the sky!''

''Well, that's a rainbow, son.''

(Gasps)

''And there's a pot of gold at the end of it.''

''Oh my God.''

''And it's guarded by a tiny leprechaun.''

''Pull over, Dad.

''Pull over right now.

Let's get that gold and pay off his mortgage.

''Mother, you'll have gold teeth

in the morning. Ring-a-ding-ding!''

We looked for a rainbow...

How weird's this?

Me and my little brother, we took a knife

just in case the leprechaun acted up.

(Laughter)

''Better pack a blade.''

''Yeah, small man syndrome.

''He might get naughty.''

So...

Thank f*** we didn't find a tiny bloke!

lmagine that!

''Where's the money, fucko?!''

''l don't know.''

''Pay up, you little lrish bastard!''

Life is for living and it's great, isn't it? lt's

really great when you're reminded of that.

Recently l had some anal issues

and l thought l was gonna die,

by which l don't mean

l can't put my CDs in order.

l mean, l thought l was gonna

die of cancer of the bum. Erm...

''Ha-ha-ha-ha!''

Jesus! You vicious b*tches!

''Ha-ha! lt'll rot him from the inside!''

God! How horrible was that?

As ever, l went to the doctor's

and l pulled down my trousers...

- Obviously, we had a chat.

- (Laughter)

Just wander in, ''l'm not very well.''

''l can see that.

''This is a dentist.''

But l walked in, we had a chat

about the bum cancer, and he said,

''Take your trousers down.''

You've never done it slower in your life.

l got my pants down to about there

and just heard his booming voice go,

''ln the other room.''

And...you have a decision to make there.

Do you pull 'em up?

Do you waddle with pride?

You waddle,

you're going for the waddle.

The thing about waddling,

the last thing you wanna do is waddle

before a man's gonna

pop his finger in your Richard

because now you're a wiggling target, right?

He thrust himself into me,

had a wiggle around.

Started chatting - that's a first!

''How you getting on generally?''

(Hoarsely) ''l'm fine.

''Can you draw the curtains?

We've gathered quite a crowd.''

''Look, it's H from Steps

and he's getting fisted!''

''l'm Russell Howard!''

But it's great...

when you have a scare

and then suddenly you go,

''Yeah, l'm doing it. l'm alive.

''l'm gonna hang out

with people that l f***ing love.''

l love that. Hanging out

with my girlfriend, my mum, my mates.

Specially your mates,

those f***ing dangerous mates.

The crazy mates you'd like to be.

My friend Tom, one of my heroes.

l fell in love with him age five. He stood up

in the middle of a nativity play and went,

''Well, enough's enough.''

(Laughter)

Heroic. He was the front end of a donkey.

He was a genius.

He was the leader of our gang,

every gang had a leader.

He always used to tell about sexual advice.

''Seriously, there's a thing

called Mars Bar parties.''

''We're 1 1 .''

''l know. What you gotta do,

''pop a Mars Bar up the girl's... (Whistles)

She loves it.''

''Does she?''

''Yeah, she definitely loves it.''

''Can we not just kiss them?''

''Nope.''

- (Laughter)

- ''That is frowned upon.''

So we took some Mars Bars to a disco.

Aged 1 1 , music's playing.

(Hums tune)

Music quietened down.

We saw the girls we liked.

When we saw a girl we liked we simply

took out the Mars Bar and shook it at her,

like that was gonna be enough.

(Swishing sound)

lt didn't work!

We looked like we were teasing diabetics!

At the end of the night

boys are kissing girls,

we're in the corner of the room

eating Mars Bars.

''lt would be a waste to put it up their fanny.''

''l quite agree.''

He's the leader of our gang.

He's wonderful.

We were watching that story

about Elizabeth Fritzl last year

and that's one of those stories

that really resonates with you, isn't it?

You can't conceive of that level of sadness.

You're watching it and imagining it

and it's just horrific.

Tom was there going,

''We should do something.''

''Okey-dokey!

What are you gonna suggest?''

What we suggested,

what Tom suggested...

We were sat there going,

''This is horrific, this is bad.''

Tom went, ''We should get together,

everyone who's decent in the world.

''We should show her

all the things she's missed.''

lmagine that. Like a conveyer belt

of kindness. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

People turning up, ''This happened

to me in 1995, thought you'd like it.''

''l seen this in 1987, take a bit of that.''

''This is Nelson Mandela.

Tell her your story.''

Just fill her full of joy and love.

Wouldn't it be wonderful?

This conveyor belt of f***ing hope.

l was there going, ''That is a remarkable

idea. But what would we show her?''

And Tom went,

''You know what we'd show her.

''We'd re-enact the story.''

Everyone has that, don't they?

You know that one moment?

Like vapour funny, you know? You're

sometimes on a train and your brain goes,

''Remember this.''

You're like, ''Yeah, two years ago.''

(Chuckles) ''That was f***ing brilliant!''

lt happened to me when l was 1 7.

l was not very cool aged 1 7, l was having...

Cos when l was 1 7 l was having

one of those chats where, all the time...

''What would you rather be, deaf or blind?''

''l dunno, that's difficult.''

''Would you rather have like

a chocolate face or bread for feet?''

''Russell, if you had no arms

and no legs but really long anal hair,

''would you lower it down

over the side of a cliff if l was in peril?''

(Laughter)

''Slightly different from the

other questions you've asked.''

But l had quite a plentiful bush.

l went, ''l'd help you.''

Now, at this moment

my friend Ritchie lit my anal hair.

l don't know if you've ever had that

happen to you but that is pain beyond pain.

l'd leap to the floor,

patting my arse like that. My mates leg it.

My friend Rob's mum comes home

to find me... She's called Mrs Miller,

she comes home, she finds me

on the kitchen floor, on her kitchen floor

like a melting wookie and she is not happy.

''ls that any way to behave?!''

She doesn't know it's been done to me.

She thinks l've done it to myself

and waited for her.

''You little pervert! l've seen you

with your lazy eyes looking at my jubblies,

''and now l come home to find you

on my kitchen floor with your arse on fire

''wanting me to look up your arse,

you little bastard!''

''You've misunderstood!

You've misunderstood!''

Horrific moment in life.

l wasn't allowed round Rob's house

for a f***in' long time!

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