Russell Howard Live: Dingledodies Page #10

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Six months later, Rob's having a party,

''Come round.''

l think, ''l'll come round.'' We're in

the middle of this party, it's fairly rubbish.

''ls there gonna be girls there?''

There's no girls, there never were.

ln the middle of this,

there are people passed out,

there's about seven of us and my

friend Tom goes, ''Russ, let's go upstairs.

''We could go upstairs.

''We'll put on Mrs Miller's

swimming costume.''

(Laughter)

''We'll put it on backwards

and we'll pretend we're wrestlers.''

Do you know, l honestly

remember looking at him thinking,

''You genius!''

You should have seen us.

God, l've never run so fast in my life.

We were up there, talcum powder,

giving ourselves names,

padding our way downstairs,

we knew this was gonna be

the greatest moment of our life.

(Giggles)

We got to the door, Tom goes, ''You go

ahead, l've got something special planned.''

l thought,

''You idiot. This is my moment.''

l adjusted myself, leapt into the room,

sure enough...

''ls that any way to behave?!

''ls that my nightie?''

l was wearing it as a cape.

What l should have said is,

''lt is, l made a mistake, l'm so sorry,

''a thousand apologies,

l'll never do this again.''

l didn't say that cos l was cocky,

l was 16 and l was pissed.

l went, ''Yeah, do you want to wrestle?''

Now...

- the noise...

- (Applause)

She was shouting at me.

She was very angry,

shouting at me, l'm cowering.

All of a sudden my friend Tom leaps

into the room and l am well and truly saved.

Because, evidently,

this creative little weirdo

had found some boot polish.

(Laughter)

That's right,

people of Brighton and people at home,

my friend Tom had blacked up!

That's what he'd done!

(Laughter)

''What the f*** have you done?''

He leapt... All of a sudden l'm fine!

l'm just a cross-dresser! He's a gay racist!

You didn't know if you were allowed to

laugh! ''F***in' hell! Am l allowed to laugh?

''lf l do she's gonna kill me!

l don't know what to do!''

Cos where he'd leapt into the room

one of his testicles had wriggled free.

lt was the loneliest-looking thing

l've ever seen in my life.

lt was like a fat man stuck in a train door!

''ls that any way to behave?!''

And he looked back at her and went,

''Sometimes.''

Yes!

That is the story we'd tell her.

Ladies and gentlemen of Brighton,

what a genuine pleasure it's been to do this.

l hope you had fun. lt's been f***in'

wonderful. Thank you very much indeed.

(Cheering)

Thank you very much!

(Cheering continues)

Thank you very much!

Whoo!

Well, f*** me, what fun.

- (Girl) F*** me!

- OK.

Wow! There you go.

lt's gonna be quite an interesting encore.

Erm...

- (Laughter)

- l-l can only... What was that?

(lndistinct)

That's no way to behave?

Beautiful, beautiful.

You don't want me

to have sex with you, madam.

Ooh! lt'd be a bit...

See? Look at that.

l can't... Look how...

A minute ago l was all confident,

''Yeah!''

''Have sex with me.''

(Groans)

''What? Yeah! Where?'' (Groans)

''Right in your fanny and everywhere?''

(Applause, cheering)

''l...

''l-l don't... l don't know

if they have condoms big enough.''

Oh dear.

Furthermore,

l have a girlfriend who l love.

(Audience) Aw!

(Clicks tongue)

What a moment between you and me.

(Chortles)

How funny's that? Me bogling

for my girlfriend. You like that, baby?

You like the way l move my ass?

Have you seen the birds of paradise

do that? lt's one of the loveliest things.

Do you know about the birds of paradise?

Cheer if you do.

- (Cheering)

- lsn't it great?

Have you seen it? David Attenborough.

When the bird of paradise likes a lady bird...

- Obviously like that.

- (Laughter)

The ladybird, that'd be a real stretch.

''My God, what's he doing?''

''Eight dots. l gotta do this. Can't wait

till l tell the fellas about an eight-dotter.''

That's the only way

you look at ladybirds, isn't it?

''Two dots.'' (Scoffs)

''Two dots.''

''Three dotter!''

But the way the birds of paradise do it,

it's amazing.

What happens is,

when they see a lady they like

they fly over to her and suddenly

they go from very normal black-looking birds

to blues and yellows and greens

leaping out of the man.

He does a really amazing dance,

he's like that, ''Yeah, yeah.

''Green? You want a bit of green, baby?

''Like a little bit of yellow? Blowin' your

f***in' mind! You like my plumage?

''Hey, how about a little bit of violet?

That's the way l... Hm?''

The girl could not look any less bored.

She just sat there.

(Groans)

''Another day, another boogie.''

''Another boogie? Well, check this sh*t out,

baby? You like the way l thrust my thighs?

''Thrust my...''

And then she flies off, right?

What's brilliant, he flies back to his mates,

who are on a branch,

and his mates are like, ''Yah!

You do know you were being videoed?''

''Eh?

''What? What?''

''Amber's in the hedge.''

''He's in what?

''Oh, f***'s sake. l was going on about my

plumage. Why didn't you say something?''

''Coke can to the face!''

So, no thank you.

Any other questions?

(lndistinct)

Most awkward moment of my life?

Er...

l would argue putting marbles up my

brother's bum was a fairly tense moment.

When your mother looks at you.

That takes some beating.

How about you?

(Boy) The first time l met my girlfriend's dad

l tripped over and rugby tackled him.

You rugby tackled your girlfriend's dad

the first time you met him?

That doesn't happen.

You obviously thought to yourself,

''l'm going.

''Well, it can be a fall or a story.''

And what did you do after that?

Pretended l was unconscious as well.

- Oh! That is beautiful!

- (Laughter)

Go on.

Let's re-enact it.

Come up here, we'll re-enact it.

l'll be the dad, it'll be f***in' brilliant.

''l wonder where that little f***er is

who's boning my daughter? Oh, hello.''

Wait! Wait!

Bloody hell! Build up the tension.

You nearly f***ing killed me.

Jesus!

Don't shoot your load straightaway.

Build. Right.

l haven't even invited you through the door

yet. No wonder you f***ing went for him.

So...

Well the...

Wait.

(Laughter, applause)

My wife and my daughter say

that you're the man who's come round

to try and win her hand in marriage.

What are your credentials?

Er... l got a distinction

in my media product.

Excellent.

The world needs collages.

So, l was thinking we'd walk towards each

other and hug. How do you feel about that?

Right, so...

(Cheering)

When in Rome...

So we're both unconscious at this stage.

- So what happens from here?

- Erm, well...

- He was un...

- (Laughter)

He was unconscious for about five minutes

and l was ''unconscious''...

- Oh, you were faking? Of course.

- Yeah. For about ten seconds.

And then l got up and went,

''What happened?''

Survey the scene. So just re-enact

what happened. So, l'm out cold, right?

Oh Jesus.

He seemed like such a lovely boy.

And here l am lying on...

(Hushed) Get over to them!

- (Mic thumps)

- (Laughter)

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