Russell Madness Page #2

- Blacklisted?

- Yodel-ay-hee-hoo.

And a yodel-ay-hee-hoo,

to you too.

So much for that.

Wait, I have an idea.

Scooch, scooch.

Craigslist, Portland.

Wrestlers.

Voila!

Yeah, I know, right?

That is, like, so cool.

Wait, you're Ferraro Wrestling?

Yeah.

You guys just re-opened, right?

You guys should come Thursday.

I'm kind of busy.

I can get you

guys free hot dogs.

- Sure.

- Okay. I'll see you there.

- See you there.

- Yeah, that sounds great.

- Hot dogs!

- Yeah, hot dogs!

Star light, star bright,

first star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might,

have the wish, I wish tonight.

Please help me find a family.

I'll never leave you again,

ll Maniac.

- Ah-hah!

- Ooh!

It's you.

I knew you were real.

So, you got me, kid.

Now, what?

You can talk!

Wait till Max finds out.

Whoa. Whoa.

Wait a second. Slow down.

I'm just here to pick up

a friend.

You never saw me.

Not a chance.

No one ever believes the kid.

Everything's a negotiation.

Everyone wants something.

Name your price.

Why do I get the feeling

I'm going to regret this?

Would you like some

sugar with your tea, Mr. Hunk?

How about two lumps

to the head, please?

Huh?

Hello there. Who are you?

- Uh, Russell.

- Hey, Russ, I'm Dozzo.

What is that? A T-bone steak?

Would you...

Would you like to share it?

You see, Russ, this is my turf.

Any food left out here

is rightfully yours truly.

- Got it, mate?

- I guess so.

I have a condition

called low blood sugar.

I have to eat every few seconds,

or else I'll get "hangry".

Hangry?

You know,

when you get so hungry

it makes you angry.

HangrY-

Why don't you pick

on someone your own size?

- Blimey!

- Step away from that steak!

Or I'll take you to

school like a bus driver.

I don't want any trouble, mate.

Now scram! Beat it!

Vamoose! Cheerio!

You got to learn to

stick up for yourself, kid.

You can't let a bully dog

intimidate you like that.

- Who are you?

- The name's Hunk.

- What's yours, kid?

- I'm Russ. Russell.

How did a nice kid like you end up

in the mean alleys of Portland?

No one wanted me.

I was pound bound, so I escaped.

A spunky runaway like me.

Now eat up, kid.

Speaking of food, it's banana time.

I got to split.

Arrivederci.

Uh, thanks, Mr. Hunk!

We are back today!

Twenty-five years later,

and nothing has changed.

In our first match we have

seasoned veteran, Vick Vice.

You know, Vick Vice is returning

from a sabbatical at Penn State.

At Penn State.

Mike, I think that's state pen.

How about you, ref?

I'm gonna throw you out.

- No, that's not right.

- Vick Vice in the house.

And it looks like Vick

has been rehabilitated.

Yeah.

Facing Vick Vice is newcomer

Brady Malibu!

Maliboom!

I wonder why they call him

Vick Vice?

Well, now, I think that

answers that question.

Dude! That's gnarly.

No, no... What are you doing?

Get in the ring.

I'm not fighting that dude.

Did you see what he did

to that cinder block?

- I thought you were a wrestler.

- Ah, swimsuit model,

surfer, wrestler,

what's the diff?

What's the diff?

It's actually a big difference.

Fine, fine.

I will double your fee to 200.

Three Bennies and I'll drop in

on the dude, Malibu style.

- Sure, sure.

- Okay.

One Benny, two Benny,

three Benny. Here you go.

What?

All right. Yeah.

Go for it.

Not the board.

Oh!

That was another

in the Vick Vice.

Boo to you!

- Nice move!

- All right!

All right, huh?

Surfs up!

- He's surfing.

- Hang loose, man. Yeah.

Brady Malibu

is hanging ten on Vick Vice.

- That's two!

- All right.

Here is Vick Vice with

- a massive spinning head slam!

- Okay.

Yeah, that's going

to leave a mark.

- Vice grip!

- Oh, here's the Vice grip.

He's in trouble now.

Oh, no.

- Stop the fight!

- No, keep the match going.

No, no. Stay in the ring.

Catch you on the flipside, bro.

It looks like Brady Malibu

- is headed for the beach.

- Dad, are you all right?

Come here, referee,

where's my belt?

- You! Come here.

- Oh, come on.

Looks like we have

some time to catch up.

So, what have you been up to

for the last quarter century, Mike?

Oh,

well I became a chimney sweep.

That actually exists

outside of Mary Poppins?

- Okay. I'm all right.

- You okay?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay.

Honey, what happened?

A lot! Give me the costume.

I am going to be your superhero.

Okay, as much as I would

love to see you in spandex,

are you sure you should get

into the ring with Vick Vice?

I don't have a choice.

Max, you go tell Mike and TJ, no matter

what happens, just to play along.

Okay, got it.

Tell us, Mike,

what is the key

to sweeping a good chimney?

The key is having

the right tools. Yeah.

The modern chimney sweeps

use more than just a brush.

Yes. You have your

your double worm screw,

your hinged drop scraper,

and the always, always helpful

boring tool. Whoops!

- You're a boring tool.

- Hey!

- We have one other question...

- Oh...

My dad said to play along

- no matter what, okay?

- All right.

Tell him to make it quick.

We're running short of material

and this audience is receding

quicker than Mike's hairline.

- Yeah. Hey! Wait a minute.

- Okay.

Who will face me?

Who is man enough?

Will somebody fight the pansy?

Don't make me come down there.

I know, I know, I'll calm down.

You're right.

I need some potassium.

I will!

I've got nothing to lose!

Hello there, Russ.

Is that a juicy,

possibly turkey sausage?

Nope, it is a worm.

A disgusting,

not at all Bavarian worm.

A worm? 'Cause it smells

like a turkey sausage

with a little bit of

Bavarian mustard on it.

Who's gonna save you

this time, matey?

Blimey!

Come back here,

you little ratter.

Mama, look! A doggy!

Okay, I can do this.

Just stay calm.

Okay, what the...

Huh?

Hey, go get the dog.

Dude, what do I look like,

a dog walker?

You're not much of a wrestler.

It's Brady Malibu and... a dog?

- A dog!

- Come on, Malibu!

What's the kid doing?

Hey, wait. Max said to

go with it no matter what.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Well it appears that the only man

man enough is not a man at all,

but a dog.

- Call the dog catcher.

- Come on!

Oh, this is not going

to be good.

All right, doggy!

I'm going to teach you

a new trick!

The kid doesn't stand a chance.

I can't watch.

What is going on?

What is this?

He's got him in a chokehold.

- He's done.

- Don't film it.

He's got him!

Woo-hoo!

And down goes Vick Vice.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

The kid has moves!

' Yes!

- Three! He is out!

- Yes!

- This is incredible!

- The winner!

- Yes, he won!

- The dog has beaten Vick Vice!

What?

Why is everything spinning?

You think he's going to be okay?

Well, he is a little

malnourished, dehydrated and

in desperate need of a bath,

but other than that,

I think he's fine.

- Can we keep him?

- Yeah, can we keep him?

He can be friends

with the monkey.

Lena, your monkey's only a toy.

He probably has

a family somewhere.

We don't know who

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