Russell Peters: Almost Famous

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-Yeah, Russell!

Oi, Russell!

Your mother is so fat.

What the hell did you say to me?

Do I look like Ryan's mom?

Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad.

Oh, DDR. So good.

His best buddy is in the house.

Best what? Best buddy.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

All right!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

Canada's own

and the pride of Brampton, Ontario...

Toronto, give it up for your hometown boy,

Russell...

Peters.

Hey, thank you.

Thanks. All right.

There you are. There you are.

There's my city.

Heh. That's it.

That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, give it up for, uh, DJ Spinbad

and Starting From Scratch,

ladies and gentlemen.

Live DJing. Live.

Not dead. Live.

Asian guy, how are you? Good.

You're looking very anime.

-What style..? Are you Filipino?

-Chinese.

Chinese. That's the main kind of Asian.

That's..

That's the one they make the most of.

They, uh...

You can pick them up fairly cheap.

They're reasonably priced. They're..

-Heh, what's your name?

-Kat Sang Bong.

I'll.. I'll do the jokes now. Are you..?

You doing comedy is like watching,

well, you drive. Uh, that's.. That's..

How you guys doing? You good? All right.

Hey, giant Asian guy. That's a..

Crickey, you're a big one. Um..

-What style of Asian are you?

-Chinese.

You're Chinese. Look at that.

-How tall are you?

-Six feet.

Six feet in.. In Chinese, that's like...

That's like eight feet.

Which in Chinese is a lucky number.

So, that's...

-What's your name?

-Edward.

Edward. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah.

No doubt. Absolutely I believe that.

I, uh...

-What's your Chinese name, Edward?

-I...

I...

I don't know if you were hesitating

or if that was your Chinese name.

I...

Well, that's interesting. I...

Oh, my God. I'm so glad

this job worked out, guys, 'cause..

You can't act like this in any other job.

Do you realize that?

I'd be in HR every day.

-Russell, do you know why you're here?

-No.

You insulted somebody.

Who?

Everybody.

I'm not good at things

Indian people are supposed to do.

That's why I do this sh*t for a living.

Anything Indian people can do, I can't do.

I'm mad envious when I see Indian people

doing smart, intelligent things

that involve studying and learning

how to do something good.

I.. I do. Anytime I see.. Like doctors.

How many doctors?

Are there any doctors here tonight?

Look at that. Only in my audience

we have that many f***ing doctors.

Where's the doctor over there?

-What kind of doctor are you?

-Gynecologist.

Gynecologist. Oh, wow, that's a..

Any openings?

Oh, okay. All right.

I...

And where's the other doctor? You, bro?

-What kind of doctor are you?

-Orthopedic.

Orthopedic. Is that a real doctor?

Let me ask the gynecologist.

Uh. No. She says no.

Where's the other doctor?

-And what are you?

-Surgeon.

Surgeon. That's a real doctor,

as far as I'm concerned.

-What kind of surgeon?

-General surgeon.

Gen.. Genital surgeon?

Is that what you said?

Or general? Oh, general surgeon.

Oh, yeah. That makes..

I was like, "Hey, you're cutting

into her business here."

So, out of the three doctors,

you're the least.

Um...

And that's your buddy

with the caterpillar on his forehead?

Um, look at that eyebrow. That

is f***ing incredible. Get a shot of that.

Oh, my God.

That is.. That is impressive. That..

Damn, that's a..

Springtime is here. That thing's

gonna turn into a butterfly in no time.

I'm glad there's real doctors here,

is all I'm trying to say.

'Cause I asked the audience one night,

"Any doctors here?",

and this Indian guy got up all proud.

He's like, "I'm a doctor."

I go, "What kind of doctor are you?"

"I'm a psychiatrist."

I'm like, "That's not a doctor, ever."

An orthopedic doctor is more of a doctor

than a f***ing psychiatrist.

If sh*t goes down, you're not hoping

there's a psychiatrist around.

If you're on an airplane, like,

"There's an emergency onboard.

Do we have a doctor?"

"I'm a doctor.

I'm a psychiatrist."

"Sir, this gentleman's

having a heart attack."

"F***.

All right. Uh..

Let me go talk to him.

Sir?

Sir?

Sir, let go of your chest.

Sir, what makes you think

you're having a heart attack right now?

This goes back to his childhood."

What's your name, Dr. Orthopedic?

-Jamaal.

-Jamaal. Oh, sh*t.

-Where's your family from?

-Saudi.

Saudi. Oh, sh*t. Double sh*t.

Triple sh*t. We're all in sh*t. Um...

And where do you practice? Here, or there?

-Hamilton.

-Hamilton. Yeah. Ooh.

I mean, oh, great!

Being in Hamilton, you must miss,

uh, Saudi. Um...

And Dr. Genitals, uh...

Dr. General Surgeon, what's your name?

-Sandeep.

Oh, that's my people right there,

for sure.

Got this sh*t on lock, Jamaal.

And how long you been a doctor for?

-Ten years.

Oh, you're brand new. F*** that. I, uh..

How old are you?

-Forty-one.

How long did it take you

to become a doctor?

-A long time.

-Sorry?

-A long time.

-A long time. Yeah, thanks.

Okay.

I think I was already implying that.

I, uh..

I was actually asking

for an actual timeline.

-Where did you study? Here?

-Yeah.

Why didn't you just go to India?

You could become a doctor

in four and a half years in India.

If you go to India to become a doctor,

four and a half years,

and you're a doctor.

In North America,

ten, 11, 12 years to become a doctor.

You know why? 'Cause we're soft over here.

Over here, they're like,

"They need the summer off,

so their brains can relax."

India's like, "F*** you."

And they don't learn less in India.

They learn just as much, if not more.

They just cram it

into four and a half years.

There's a billion people, like,

"We need doctors. Hurry up.

Study, study, study."

Where did you grow up?

-Mississauga.

-Mississauga. Yeah.

First of all, you can't let out a..

A 'hood "yeah!" It's..

It's Mississauga, you f***ing dummies.

All right?

It's not like..

It's not even like, "Oh, sh*t!"

It's like, "Yeah, Mississauga." It's..

Mississauga, and he's a doctor.

How gangster do you think his life was?

I gotta be honest with you, Sandeep,

it's nothing personal,

but I would never go to you as a doctor.

Um...

I would never go to an Indian guy

that became a doctor,

especially one that was born and raised

in this part of the world. F*** that.

If you were born and raised here,

you had dreams,

and it was never to become a doctor.

Let's be honest.

I'd go to an Indian woman

that became a doctor.

Obviously, not you, 'cause, you know, I..

I have boy parts.

But... I would go to an Indian woman

that became a doctor.

When an Indian woman becomes a doctor,

that means she really wanted

to be a doctor.

Even her parents are like, "Sweetie,

you don't have to become a doctor.

You can just marry a doctor."

And she's like, "F*** you.

I wanna be a doctor."

I need that kind of determination

from my doctor, you know?

Well, you had dreams when you

were 14 years old, right, Sandeep?

And it wasn't to be a doctor.

That's not what a 14-year-old

dreams about. A 14-year-old...

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